Lone Tiger: Revised Ending
#3 of Lone Tiger
The revised ending to Lone Tiger. Released 5/28/2009.
Lone Tiger: Revised Ending
(To read this chapter, you must agree with the disclaimer and copyright posted in the first chapter.)
(This is the revised ending of Lone Tiger. I don't have much to say here, except that I strongly suggest not reading Lone Tiger with the revised ending before reading Lone Tiger with the original ending--read Lone Tiger with the original ending, and then come back and read Lone Tiger with this revised ending later.
Also, do not read on unless you are a warrior, because Lone Tiger is war and the warnings given in Part One all apply here. Trust me when I say that this piece is and always will be a cursed journey through painful landscapes.
I think everything that has to be said has been said... so, let's rock and roll. )
Suggested Music: Marilyn Manson: The Death Song, Better of Two Evils, The Last Day on Earth, Mechanical Animals, Sweet Dreams, The Nobodies, Lunchbox; Rammstein: Ich Will, Nebel, Spieluhr, Adios
Suggested Drinks: Water, vodka, oversweet coffee, soda, energy drinks
Suggested Eats: Slim Jims, Poptarts, cold cut sandwiches, pizza, Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos, and any other manner of the nasty snack/junk foods that high school students eat
Suggested Smokes: Don't smoke! It's bad for you!
2/19/09
Feels like a long time since I've written in this log book. Dunno why. I mean, I just wrote yesterday, but it feels like I haven't written here in six months.
I guess it's because today was just... so long. Me and Aleksandra got up and headed to school just as usual, and it was a pretty normal day, I guess. I mean, nothing really happened. I wrote my paper in study hall and looked over math a little bit, and that was about it. Answered a few questions in English and pretty much kept to myself.
Didn't really do much at home, either. Just... fucked around on my Xbox and the Internet, and that's pretty much it.
2/20/09
Was hard to go to physics. 'Cause Takahashi wasn't there, I mean. I just... I'm not the kind of guy who likes change, you know? I mean, it's not that I have a problem with change. But when something this big happens all of a sudden and I'm not ready for it, I don't know what to do.
I don't even see why I care, though. Takahashi was just a teacher. Just a fucking teacher. Just another prick who made life hard for me...
I don't know why I just wrote that. I don't think that at all. I know I don't think like that about Takahashi. He is--was--my friend. I can't believe I just wrote that he's just a teacher, because he wasn't. He was a real good guy, especially to me.
You know, on my first day in physics last year, I was--I mean, it was the first day of school. I was all pissed off and nervous and trying to figure out how not to make a dick of myself, but Takahashi--when he walked into that classroom, he was all smiles. He bowed to the whole class and made all of us introduce ourselves, but right after that he didn't mess around. He just started to teach.
I didn't really talk to him much until like... spring of last year. But... I think we were pretty much friends by the end of the year. And this year, we were definitely friends. I mean, everyone knows about it. That's why they chose me to give the speech at his funeral, because they knew we were friends.
I guess... I just abandoned him. In a way. He's dead, but I... desecrated his memory by thinking of him as just a teacher. He was a lot more than that, especially to me. He's one of the greatest guys I've ever known... maybe the greatest, next to Dad, and Granddad...
...
It's like eleven now. I can't go out, and the cemetery's closed anyway. That's okay. Tomorrow, I'm gonna visit Takahashi.
...
I just realized... Takahashi isn't the only friend I abandoned. I have to visit Aleksandra, too.
2/21/09
Got up in the morning and headed to the supermarket to pick up a few flowers. Nice ones--really big, soft, wet, fresh ones. I threw those in a bucket and headed to the cemetery.
I got up extra early this morning to get there right as it was opening up. It's a pretty long drive away, but I don't care. I'm willing to travel for a while for friends, and Takahashi was my best friend.
I got there on time. A couple other people were around... just kind of said hello to them and then left them alone. Cemetery opened up and I headed to where Takahashi is.
I set out the flower on his tombstone. It rained last night, and it was pretty windy to, so there was kind of... some dust, and stuff, in the markings in his stone, so I cleaned it off and just sort of sat down and hung out with him, just like it used to be.
I guess... I spent a really long time there. I was just sitting there, but it was a lot more than that, too. I was just... thinking about Takahashi, I guess, and it was a lot different from when everyone else was around. It's like hanging out with him in class versus hanging out with him after class.
Spent all morning with Takahashi. Was thinking about skipping lunch, but I saw a Japanese place on the way over, so I went there, picked some stuff up, and ate lunch with him. Spent all afternoon with Takahashi, too.
Was going to head home at about... four, I guess, but when I got on the road... I just wanted some time alone, to think. Like I did on my birthday. So I just drove around for a while. Might've stopped at a little state park and just wandered around for an hour... can't remember.
Ended up getting home after dinner. Turns out I forgot my cell phone, which is really weird, because I never forget my cell phone. It always goes in my coat pocket... I guess I took it out last night for some reason and just forgot to put it back.
Mom and Dad were pretty upset with me. Dad was just... a little annoyed, but Mom was pretty upset. I hadn't told them where I was going, or left a note or anything, and they didn't have any way of contacting me. Mom scolded me for a while, and I felt really bad--I hate it when Mom scolds me. I hate myself. What kind of a kid am I to make my mom angry? I felt so bad, and I didn't even try to defend myself. I never do--never have, even when I was a kitten. I know that if my parents yell at me, I deserve it.
Eventually, it came out that I was just visiting Takahashi... and wandering, I guess. Mom kind of... heh, she pretty much did a 180 and apologized for yelling at me, and just made me promise to be more responsible with... my phone, and letting her or Dad know where I'm going. Then she just hugged me for a while.
Can't remember how I reacted. Dunno if I even reacted at all. I usually hate being hugged, and I think I still do, but I swear, if I could make myself enjoy being hugged I would do my damn best just to enjoy being hugged by my mom.
I think I ate something Mom saved me from dinner. Then I pretty much went upstairs to sleep and here I am. I guess I did what I had planned to do today, except for...
Well... at least I visited one of my friends today.
2/22/09
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why it made her so upset--I was just protecting her. I didn't want to see her get hurt, and I lost control. That's not--I didn't do anything bad. I don't know why she didn't like it.
I'm... I guess I'll start at the beginning.
So... I woke up and pretty much texted Aleksandra right away. Asked her if she wanted to hang out, and I swear I was sweating bullets and starting at my phone until she answered.
She said yes. I don't know what I'd have done if she'd said no.
Anyway, I was so happy that she wanted to hang out with me. So, I... washed my face again, a few times, and... ironed my shirt, and cleaned my jacket and boots. I tried to see what was up on the Internet and play Xbox, but I just... I couldn't sit still.
Eventually I had breakfast. Then, I headed over to Aleksandra's house.
She... was dressed pretty nicely today. She always dresses nice, but today, she was dressed extra nice. I wish I could say that she dressed up for me, but I don't know. Especially now. I really don't know anymore.
When I saw her, I pretty much just stood there and smiled for a while. It's been a couple days since I've seen her, so I guess I... I guess I got used to how pretty she was, and started to take her for granted. But when Takahashi died... I've spent the last few days forgetting about her. So when I saw her again, it was like it was when I first saw her.
Not when I first saw her. When I first started to really look at her--when I realized how beautiful she is.
Anyway... it was normal for a while. Just... the two of us, heading into the forests to walk around and talk a little bit. We didn't really say much for a while, so I guess you could say it takes us big cats a while to really lower our guard and really talk. Or maybe it's just a weird thing that me and Aleksandra have in common. I dunno. She's the only other big cat my age I've ever been around.
I told her about how much I missed Takahashi, and how it's... sort of hard for a guy like me to deal with stuff like this. I've never had--I mean, of course I know a few people who died, like Granddad. But even though I loved that old man, Takahashi and I were really close. I mean, I saw Granddad maybe three times a year, but I saw Takahashi at least three times a week.
At the end of the day, I'm just another guy. I know I'm a tiger, and... a fuckin' 6'5" scary Ruskie with huge teeth and everything, but I guess I am a person. I can't just be expected to not feel it when someone I'm really close to leaves me forever. That's pretty much what I said to Aleksandra, and I think she was just about to forgive me when it happened.
I--
Broke my pencil lead. Dunno why, but even though it happened a few hours, I'm fucking seeing red right fucking now.
I'm gonna take a break for a minute. Gonna continue this later.
...
I'm trying to keep myself calm right now, but it's really hard. I guess I'll just do that breathing stuff Takahashi taught me last year. He said he used to do it all the time when he was younger, 'cause after the war, he was a pretty upset young man. That's what he said, but I dunno if I can believe it. Takahashi, upset? That's like me being happy. Never happen.
So... Aleksandra and I were talking. And I--it happened when I was telling her that I'm just a normal guy, when it really comes down to it. I'm just another person. I was telling her that... I think I said that that doesn't make it okay for me to ignore her or forget about her... can't really remember. Because right after that...
...
Sorry, old man. Breathing exercises aren't working.
2/23/09
2/24/09
2/25/09
2/26/09
2/27/09
Couldn't tell you what I've been up to this week. Can't remember. It's just... a fuckin' blur, kind of, but... not in the way that things are blurred when you're confused or excited. It's like I wanted to forget this past week, even though nothing bad really happened.
I guess... I pretty much went to class, came home, and... ate, slept, and hung out online. I think... I watched a ton of animes and stuff, and read a lot of stupid shit. Just like comics and mangas and stuff. Played on my Xbox until my eyes hurt every night, went to sleep, and did the same thing the next day.
It's because of Aleksandra. But it's not her fault. Actually, it kind of is her fault in a way, but I don't want to think about it like that. I don't know.
She won't talk to me at school. Won't even look at me for... just like a glance or maybe a nod to say hello, but that's it. That's how it's been since Sunday. She won't let me take her to school, or back from school, or anything. It's like... she treats me the way everyone else treats me. Like I'm some kind of freak, or contagious with a horrible disease or something. I think she's scared of me in a way. Everyone's scared of me; I always knew that, but I'm pretty sure everyone kind of hates me, too. Even Aleksandra now.
What the fuck do I care, though? I'll just go back to the way I was...
Huh. Just realized that I never really recorded what happened on Sunday. I guess I'll do it now. Should be able to do it. But thinking about it still fuckin' pisses me off...
...
I put a punching bag in my room on Tuesday. Asked Dad what he used to do when he was angry--cause he had it pretty rough in Russia, since it was a commie country and his family was fucked up and all that--and he told me had had a big punching bag in his room that he unloaded on pretty much every day when he was my age.
He told me that it's normal to be angry from time to time. But he kind of... put his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eye, and said that it's just not natural to be angry for a long time. He said when he used to be like that, he almost destroyed himself. Said he pretty much got lucky by being able to come to the US and finding Mom.
Didn't really say anything. Didn't actually look at him, either. I mean... I kind of looked at Dad's eyes, but not into them. Just sort of let my vision glaze over and thought about... fuckin'... I can't even remember now. He knew exactly what was going on, and he used to get so mad and sad at me about this, but he just... sort of sighed, and said to get in the car so we could head to the sports store.
Anyway... I just beat the living fuck out of the bag. So I guess I can say what happened now.
So... I was telling Aleksandra that I'm a normal guy and all, and that I've never really had a friend die before. Said I was sorry and all--and I really, really meant it--and I promised that if she'd just... hang out with me again, I'd get over myself and treat her right.
I'm pretty sure she was gonna say it was okay. She just had that look, you know? Kind of like she was sad, or hurt, but she was hurting for someone else. I don't even get how that works... I mean, why would she, or anyone else, feel bad just because someone else is?
So, she was just standing there... her tail was sort of twitching, from side to side. She kind of lifted up her arms a little bit and stepped toward me. I think she was going to give me a hug, but then the Gislers' dog came.
...
Kind of a pain to write when my hands hurt so much.
I'm glad Dad got me one of the good punching bags, not the shitty ones. If I had one of the shitty ones, it'd be in pieces on the floor right now.
Man, it's amazing how just letting loose on something will cool a guy down, eh?
Anyway, the Gislers' dog came. And it's not one of those... cutesy little things you can just punt around if you want to. I think it's a German Shepherd or something. Maybe? I dunno. I'm a tiger. I don't know the first thing about dogs. Yuck.
But this fuckin' thing was a beast. It's one of the biggest dogs I've ever seen. When Mom and Dad took me around the neighborhood for walks when I was a kitten and that thing was around, they'd sort of--you know how you don't ever get between a mama grizzly and her cub? Well, Mom and Dad would get sort of like that. All defensive and stuff. Dad would kind of get between us and the dog, and Mom would kind of stick close to me. I guess so that she could grab me and run more easily. I'd hate that, but I'd probably hate getting attacked by a fucking canine even more, so who knows how it would have turned out if that dog ever came at us?
Then again, I bet Dad would have eaten it alive before he let it get close to us.
I think I had the same kind of mindset when that fucking dog came at Aleksandra. I just got so angry--I couldn't have controlled myself if I'd wanted to. I mean, the fucking thing came at Aleksandra, and--I know she's my friend, but she feels like a lot more than that. She's like my best friend, or my sister, so when that dog came at her, it was like it was attacking my family. And I--I'm a tiger. You don't fuck with my family.
...
Didn't really hit the bag. Just sort of paced around a little and hissed--just like I did when that dog came. I hissed, and told it to get the fuck away--and I pretty much never curse out loud. I know I curse in this log book all the time, but I barely talk to anyone except for teachers, my parents, and Aleksandra, and I'm not gonna curse around any of them. But I told that damn dog to fuck off or else, but the damn thing just kept barking, and growling, and circling me and Aleksandra.
I guess I'd kind of jumped between it and Aleksandra, 'cause, you know, I'm a lot bigger than she is. Figured I could scare it off. But it just kept circling around, you know, trying to get an angle--and not on me. It was fuckin' focused on Aleksandra, and she was trying to get away and call the cops on her phone; meanwhile, I'm trying to keep track of where she is without looking away from the dog too much, while staying in between the fucking thing and her. I was scared out of my fuckin' mind--I didn't give a damn if it had come at me, that's what I was trying to get it to do at a few points, just so that it would leave Aleksandra alone. But it was just locked onto her.
It came at her after... I dunno. Felt like a lot longer than it was to me. Aleksandra had just gotten through to the cops, so I guess it was just a couple seconds, but it felt like a lot longer than that.
So, that fucking dog came at Aleksandra. Just... went right for her, way too fast--I try to grab it, but it was way too fast. The fuckin' thing blew past me, and I fell, and when I saw it jump at her I damn near went crazy.
But Aleksandra's a tough girl. Not just for a girl. I didn't know she carried a knife, but she does. She had it out, and when that dog came at her, she just sort of sidestepped, and cut it a few times before it went for her again. I think she might have been able to take it by herself, but at the time, you know, I couldn't think straight. I was like paranoid, and mad as Hell, so I went for that dog, and I grabbed it and just chucked it into the nearest tree. I guess that kind of stunned it, because it like stood there for a second.
So, I took my knife out and just tackled it. Knocked it down, wrestled it so that I could hold its mouth away from me, and went to town on its fucking body and neck with my knife.
...
Looking back... I guess the fuckin' thing was out of commission pretty quick. But I didn't see that at the time. I just kept feeling it moving, so I kept stabbing it. My knife got stuck in its ribs, so I punched it in the chest. Broke its ribcage, it got out from under me and tried to bite me, so I got up and stomped on it.
I think... I think Aleksandra might have tried to stop me. I'm not sure. It's hard to remember. I think she might have grabbed me or something or maybe yelled at me, cause there was this like split second that I sort of turned around and shoved something away... I guess that was her.
I didn't actually stop until the cops came. They came out guns drawn, but Aleksandra dropped her knife and told them what happened. I guess we're pretty lucky that one of the cops was one of her people... took her like five minutes to calm down enough to speak English.
Me, I was pretty much back to business as usual just like that. Wasn't too much for me to be upset about. I mean, Aleksandra was okay, and I was okay. I got bitten and scratched up a little, and I was kind of nasty 'cause of all the blood, but whatever, you know? Shit happens.
Mom and Dad came by pretty quick, and Aleksandra's dad was there pretty soon too. I think they were all pretty much relieved to see that we were both okay. Aleksandra's dad seemed kind of grateful that I made sure that that fuckin' thing didn't touch Aleksandra, but then, they all kind of saw the body, and...
I dunno. Dad seemed kind of proud of me at first. He kind of... walked around me, smiled at me, and nodded, like I'd done a good job. Sort of dusted me off... kind of felt like I was one of those boxers who always get toweled off between rounds. I actually kind of felt like I had done a good thing; Dad was talking to me in Russian and all, but then he saw that Mom was kind of staring at the dog, and then he looked at the dog, and... he kind of left me alone real fast.
I didn't really care. I mean, I hate being touched, and Dad was all over me. I was confused, though. I mean, one second everyone's treating me like I'm a boss; next second they're all... wary and shit, you know? Like I did something really bad.
I know I went far, kind of, a little bit, but you can't understand what I did until you have to protect your best friend from a rabid fucking canine. I was so angry--if that dog had been a bear, it wouldn't have made a difference. Wouldn't even have needed my knife. I would have killed it with my bare hands.
Ambulance came by a couple minutes later. They wanted to take me to the hospital, but I said to forget it. So they just sort of treated my cuts... disinfected them, bandaged 'em up, all that stuff. Asked me if I was traumatized or anything; I said nah, I'm built for that kind of stuff.
Looking back... I wasn't traumatized, I know that for damn sure. Alexandra was breathing hard and terrified and shit, but me, I just... was like whatever. It's not just that I'm built for this stuff--all tigers, all felines--Hell, any fuckin' creature that walks on this planet is built to dish out pain in self-defense. But it's another thing to just dish it out and dish it out and then sit down and chill with a heart rate of 62 bpm.
I didn't feel bad about what I'd done. Still don't. Nothing to feel bad about. But... I didn't feel anything when I was finished. Wasn't worried, or scared, or shocked, or upset. Was barely fuckin' worried about Aleksandra. When I was finished, I kind of looked at her, saw that she was okay, said whatever, and just stood there and held my hands where the cops could see them.
One of the cops was kind of close to me. Pretty close, I mean... could have gotten to him within a couple seconds, I think. Probably could have taken him out before he took me, I bet.
...I don't know why I think like that. But I always do. When I'm bored in class, I imagine walking down the aisles and chopping heads off and shooting people and shit, or setting the damn building on fire or blowing up a hospital or something.
It sounds pretty sick now. Even I can see that. But... I'm not always in a calm state of mind. I don't know why, but random things piss me off... at school, outside, anywhere. So when I'm in a pissed off state of mind, which I usually am in, things that aren't okay sort of become like... hey, you know, why not?
I don't know. I'd never kill anyone.
...
I don't know. When I looked at that cop, after killing the Gisler's dog... I really wanted to kill him. Not for any good reason, just because. I knew in the back of my mind he was there to help, but... I guess it was for the same reason why I shoved Aleksandra away. I was killing and I didn't want any interruptions. And when the cop came, it was like... yay, halftime's over.
I feel fucking sick with myself now that I'm looking back on it. But that's just who I am when I get into these moods. That's why... I guess that's why people don't like me. I know that I can kind of tell what kind of person a person is after being around them for a while, so I guess people can kind of guess what's going on in my head after a while. Not like mind reading or any voodoo shit. It's just... you know what a person is feeling if you try to find out.
I hate being angry so much. I really do. I think I started to keep these logs to kind of deal with that, because... sometimes, anyway, when I have time to look back at stuff, I can't just shut it out and ignore it and pretend that it never happened. Now I have to look back at what I've done and felt... well, not really. I don't really read old logs, but... I dunno.
...
Mom and Dad don't make me angry. Neither did Takahashi or Aleksandra.
Well... one down, one forfeit, two to go.
Fuck. I hope my parents never die. At least not before I'm dead.
...
Guess I'll pick up where I left off.
The Gislers came out a while later when I told the cops it was their dog. Can you believe those motherfuckers--their dog just tried to attack Aleksandra, and they start to yell at me in front of my parents about animal cruelty and shit. Those guys are really nasty people--no wonder their kid's a douche, and not just to me.
I was thinking of grabbing one of those syringes the EMTs had laying around and shoving it through Mr. Gisler's eye, but Dad just looked them both in the eye, asked them to calm down, and said that he'd love to see them in court any day. Told 'em he's licensed to practice law, and asked the cops about those... fuckin' pet laws, that are supposed to make sure jackasses don't keep dangerous dogs and let them get loose.
That shut those sons of bitches up real quick. Dad was actually talking to Aleksandra's dad about suing them, but he wasn't interested, and it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Those fuckers aren't exactly rolling in dough, and like 70% of their money goes to booze. The rest probably goes to harder stuff.
You know... I kind of feel bad for David. That's their kid, by the way. He's a dick and everything, to everyone, but what the Hell can you expect from a guy coming out of a place like that?
Maybe Hitler had it kind of right, you know? If we didn't let the undesirables breed, we wouldn't have as many folks like the Gislers around.
Then again, we wouldn't have many Slavs around, either. Like me. And Mom and Dad. And Aleksandra.
Know what... fuck Hitler. Even if Aleksandra never talks to me again--seriously, fuck Hitler.
2/28/09
3/01/09
3/02/09
Used to make logs for the weekends. Used to be that I did stuff over the weekends. With, you know, Aleksandra. That's all over now, so... I guess you could say it's back to the old standby. Wake up, hit the Xbox, hit the internet, dick around, maybe more Xbox, do some homework; next thing I know Mom's telling me to go to sleep.
Not that... today was much different. I didn't even remember to make logs. It's like 11:30 right now--sorry, Mom, but I have to do this--and I was kind of dreaming about all the things I've done in the past couple weeks, and then I remembered that I didn't make logs.
So, I guess... well, it was kind of cold today. Not really. Little chilly. Maybe a little nippy if you're not covered in stripes from head to toe, plus a trenchcoat. Me, I was okay. I guess other people were kind of cold, though. They were all clinging together and stuff when we were between classes.
Heh... kind of funny that Rob Lee has such crappy insulation and no heaters. The teachers make a killing--like six figures if you look in the stuff they have to tell you 'cause of the FOIA--but the school can't afford warm halls. On cold days, everyone's got an excuse to hug and hold hands and stuff. They're all... snuggling all over each other and stuff like kittens.
Me... well, I've got my stripes and my trenchcoat. No way someone else could keep me as warm, right?
3/03/09
3/04/09
I talked to Aleksandra yesterday after school. Grabbed her before she headed to volleyball practice. Not--I didn't actually grab her, that's just a metaphor--I just sort of walked up to her and said hi.
She's afraid of me. When she saw me, she took a step back, and kind of flattened her ears. I kind of have that affect on other people, sometimes--like if they see me teach someone a lesson after fucking with me, they give me my space. Give me my respect. But Aleksandra--I don't want her to take a step from me like I'm dangerous. I am dangerous, but not to her. I'd never hurt her, never set a hand on her if she didn't want it, and I'd never let anyone else hurt her, either. That's why I killed that fucking dog.
That's pretty much what I wanted to say to her. That's what I would have said to her if we'd been alone. But with all those other fuckers in the hallway... I guess the story of what happened got around. It was on the local news, too--not just the local news, either. I think it was a story on Fox or something. People knew what happened and what I did, so... when folks saw me starting to talk to Aleksandra...
A couple of guys kind of stood there. That's how it started. Then there were like six, or eight. Football players and basketball players--real jock fuckers, you know? They were pretty much waiting for something to happen. And a few of Aleksandra's friends were there, and I could tell from the way they were standing that it was like I was the Gislers' dog.
So, I... well, I asked her if she wanted to hang out after her volleyball practice. Said that I'd drive her home, and we could... just play on the Xbox, or... I was going to say something else, but when I asked Aleksandra if she wanted to play on the Xbox, everyone just sort of laughed. And I hate being laughed at, so I kind of got pissed off.
Probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. I think I got pretty close to getting beaten up. One jock I can take, maybe two, but I had half the football team like ten feet from me. If they'd have done anything, I... dunno what would have happened.
I guess I have Aleksandra to thank for calming things down. She pretty much said she wanted her space, 'cause she needed time to think. I said okay, and that was that. She walked away... and I wanted to stop her so bad, just to say sorry ,or say something more, but with all those other guys breathing down my neck... there wasn't anything I could do.
I think I ended up getting home at like six last night. Just... got in my car, called Mom, said that I felt like driving. She asked why, I said I just felt like it.
At least Mom's not afraid of me anymore. She was that day, but she's not anymore. When I got home, I guess I was still kind of sad, so she took my trenchcoat off, like she always does, and kind of hugged me.
I guess she thought she could get away with it. I didn't let her. Just shivered and went to my room without eating. Played Xbox for a while and passed out in my clothes.
Today, I... got up and headed to school. Did my work. Did some work. Nothing really happened. Now I'm back at home and I have no idea what to do with myself. I'm sick of Xbox, and I'm sick of the internet. I've reloaded Failblog enough times that I feel fuckin' insane--just reloading the page again and again, hoping for something new that might make me smile.
I guess I'll... go and mess around with my car for a while. Maybe there's stuff I can do.
Actually, I have always wanted to give it, you know, better headlights, a cooler stereo system, speakers, maybe some other stuff. I bet I could do a lot of cool stuff--and I know about electronics and stuff, Dad's pretty handy, and Mom does IT consulting for a reason. I bet they know all sorts of stuff about this.
3/05/09
Long day... busy day...
School was pretty normal. Ho-hum, whatever. Everyone left me alone and I returned the favor. Aleksandra still sits next to me, but now she's pretty much just another face in the crowd. She'll say hi and stuff sometimes... I wish she'd say more than hi, but there's not much I can do about it, except to say hi back, ask how she's been, and pray that she'll say more than "good".
Anyway... in my off-time at school, I wrote down a ton of the things I want to do for my car. Got home, researched some stuff... like the prices and everything, and how much they'll increase my car's value. Watched a few how-to videos on Youtube... I think I've got a pretty good idea about how to do the stuff I want to. None of it's too bad. I just want to get better headlights, high beams; want to put in fog lights, a new stereo system with an amp, some nice speakers, better tires, a spoiler...
Heh... I guess there's a lot of stuff I want to do. Anyway, I basically wrote up a proposal within like an hour, and showed it to Mom. I think she was surprised that I wasn't like playing video games and just wasting time--see, the internet isn't all evil, Mom--and she actually took a good look at the plan.
End cost of everything I wanted done was about three thousand bucks... I guess that's a lot of money. So I guess Mom was right to give me a budget of a thou. I'm pretty sure this isn't just some fuckin' thing I'm gonna do and get tired of in a week--I'm not like that--but we figured that a thousand bucks' worth of stuff was gonna keep me pretty busy for a while.
Anyway, I crossed a couple items off my list to get the total down to a thousand and that was that. Headed to my car, Mom asked me where I was going, I told her. She was surprised that I was gonna go out to get all that stuff today... So I told her that I don't have time to wait around... I'm getting old.
She had a pretty good laugh at that. She was gonna just give me her credit card and let me go... but then she said, know what, she's coming with me. So, we got into her car and headed to the store.
I guess Mom's a pretty cool mom. Sure, she'll try to snuggle you a little bit from time to time, but I'm pretty sure I can talk to her about anything I want to. Plus, she's really smart and open minded, and even though she does kind of get scared more easily than me or Dad... she's a pretty tough person. Her mom died when she was pretty young, and she had to try to be a mother to her little bro and all that. I guess... when he got caught up in all that gang shit, and then got killed, that was pretty rough on her.
Maybe that's why she's always been. . . she's always basically treated me like I'm the center of her life. I know she definitely loves Dad, but she'll always, like... like if there's one cookie left, she'll make sure that I get it, and if I ask for something for dinner, or breakfast, or lunch, or whatever, I'm definitely getting it. Plus, she's the one who stopped her career for like ten years to be a mom for me, to teach me math and stuff at home so that I could be smart.
Guess it's just icing on the cake that she moonlights as a computer engineer, heh. I remember the one time our ISP throttled our bandwidth 'cause I was torrenting too much... asked Mom what was up, and in about five minutes, she did some crazy shit and then I'm downloading at three megabytes a second.
So, yeah. Me and Mom went to the store, and got a ton of stuff. Hauled it home, and it was getting kind of... not late, but Dad was about to get home, so Mom went to cook and left me to get started on the car. So, I basically took over the garage, popped the hood, and became a grease monkey for a few hours.
Dad came in and started to help me out when he got home. Mom ended up giving us sandwiches and helping out, too. All this stuff was supposed to take at least a week to install and test out; the three of us had everything squared away and locked down by nine PM.
I'm kind of satisfied with myself. Pretty proud, too. I know Mom and Dad are. But... I dunno. I just don't feel it, you know? I mean... I'm doing all this stuff, but it just feels kind of pointless.
Anyway... tomorrow, I'm putting on the spoiler, tires, air horn, underbody lighting, and some other stuff. Maybe I'll feel better then.
3/06/09
Today was pretty much the same as yesterday. Went to school, got home, went out, got the stuff, got back, installed it, and it's eight PM.
I don't really remember much in particular about what I did. I mean--of course I can remember it, but there's nothing I really feel like writing about. It's like how it used to be in the fall. Just... school was boring and pointless unless some shit happened, and I'd basically make logs of what games I played.
Oh--that's one thing. I'm getting rid of my Xbox and all my games today. Put 'em up on Ebay.
I thought about it a little bit at school... I haven't really played it for a couple days, and when I do, it's like a drug. Can't get off of it, won't eat or go to the bathroom until I'm finished playing. Plus... just say I get the best K/D ratio, or to the highest level, or whatever. So what? It doesn't do me any good. I could get more and more games to keep myself occupied, but... I dunno. Fuck it.
So, we pretty much finished doing all the stuff on my car. It was all pretty straightforward. The one tough thing was the underbody lighting, 'cause I had to splice some wires and stuff, but it wasn't a big deal. Got it all to work just fine.
Not much left to do on my car. Just gotta put in some speakers and a better stereo system tomorrow. Maybe I'll get some of those decals for the front panel to make it snazzy... but then I'm selling it. I just--just got the idea as we were finishing it. Dad's a self-made man--he knew he was gonna be an attorney or something, but when he and Mom got a house, they both put a ton of work into it. He was the one who got the idea of trying to sell it for a profit, but it's like they say, every great man's got a great woman somewhere in his life. She talked to a friend who knew a friend or something who wanted to buy it... and that's where it all started.
These days, Dad's making six, maybe seven figures easy. He's got like twenty employees... no IT, though. Every time they get a problem with that stuff, he just gives Mom a call.
I don't actually know what Mom and Dad do with their money. Our living expenses can't be very high, and we own the house and all... I guess a lot of it goes to charity and stuff, but there's got to be a lot more left after that.
Maybe they just don't know what to do with so much cash. That makes sense--Dad was a poor kid growing up, and Mom didn't exactly have it easy, either. They don't really need much to keep them happy... just each other, I guess, and me.
I know why they work so hard, though. They both really like what they do.
Me... I doubt I'm gonna end up souping up and selling cars for a living. Maybe. Probably not, though. It'll probably just be something to do for fun, or on the side. I'd say it would be something that I'd do for friends, but... I'll have friends when pigs fly through the eye of a needle on a cold day in Hell and then become President.
...Maybe that was a stretch. I can't help it. Mills is teaching us about adynatons.
Aleksandra gave something like what I just wrote as an example of one. Made me smile for a minute. That was the high point of the whole week for me, now that I think of it.
3/07/09
3/08/09
3/09/09
Not much of a point in keeping logs this weekend. Just... nothing much happened. I saw Aleksandra walking by the house a few times, to go running. She still has that way of dressing... just makes me feel like I'm dreaming every time I see her.
I guess... it was kind of a productive weekend. Got a ton of schoolwork done. I also went to Dad's office on Saturday so that he could show me what he does. It's actually kind of interesting. Some of the legal stuff is just a headache, but it's kind of cool to see how they buy and sell houses and stuff and make a profit every time. Asked Dad if he'd let me try to sell a house for him... he said he'd take me along to see how it's done a few times before I get to fly solo.
So, Saturday night I kind of... just got home. Sat in my room for a while, just... waiting for something to happen. It's kind of weird. I used to be okay with being bored, and wasting my life on the Xbox. And then, when Aleksandra was friends with me, I always had something to do. But now... there's just nothing. Absolutely nothing for me to do, except for what I want to do, and I don't know what to do. I'd fuckin' join the football team to have something to do, or to have a few people to hang out with and be able to just call and go to do something.
I ended up looking up how to train for a marathon. That got me interested in some other stuff... so I guess you could say I'm into fitness now. I ran five miles Saturday, Sunday, and today, and did some pushups and other stuff. Probably not gonna do any weight training... I'm just not interested in getting big. Dad is huge these days, cause he benches like four hundred, but if I was that muscular I'd look like a freak. I like being lean and mean.
Dunno much of what I did on Sunday. Did some reading. Mostly about technology and stuff. Lots of National Geographic magazines. Watched a few documentaries. That's it.
I guess the teachers are starting to like me more. It used to be that I was either quiet, or mean. I can see that now... and I kind of feel bad about it. But not really. Over all these years, not one person has really tried to be nice to me, except for Takahashi, and Aleksandra. I know I'm a different kind of guy, but if anyone would just... ask me what's up sometimes, or say hey in the hallway...
I dunno. But Mills and Schreiner are okay with me these days. They just leave me alone, and I leave them alone. Same thing with everyone else.
Aleksandra's really popular these days. She's got a ton of friends--you know, other girls--but now there are a lot of guys that try to talk to her. And she talks back. Sometimes, she'll even kind of laugh at their jokes. I guess she's going to start dating some of them pretty soon.
Good for her. Dating's a normal thing for normal people, which is why I'll never do it. But Aleksandra's not like me. I hope she ends up with a nice guy, preferably not some jock on the football team who'll mistreat her. 'Cause if anyone mistreats her...
Actually... if anyone mistreats her, I'm not...
I tore the Gislers' dog apart for her, and now she treats me like I'm a stranger. So, you know, the Hell with her. She ends up in trouble someday, guess who's not gonna be there with a knife to bail her ass out.
...
She still smiles at me sometimes, though. Not a lot, but... just a little smile, now and then. Then she'll kind of shiver and look away. It's like she wants to do more than smile, but can't.
I wish I could smile at her and make her feel the way I do.
3/10/09
There was an announcement in school today. Turns out yesterday night, there was a big party and everything. And kids were drinking and all that stuff. Couple of them got into a car, but they don't know who was driving, because they got to a big intersection, didn't see the light, and pow. Big eighteen-wheeler took 'em out... all five of them died like that.
Turns out Melissa was with them. Took the cops a while to identify them because it was apparently pretty... "messy" was the term the principal used.
Fucking prick. You don't talk about dead people like that unless you're playing a videogame. And if I ever catch that bald fatass on Xbox Live, I'm gonna track him down and murder him.
Whatever. Not like I care. Not like I should care anyway, because none of these guys were my friends. Even Melissa--I barely knew her. I've barely said two words to her in the past few weeks in gym. Sure, she'll come and sit with me afterwards and just sort of hang out, and tell me that she wishes she could be more like me. "Strong and silent"... that's what she always says she wishes she could be.
My second grade teacher called me that. "Strong and silent"... dunno what the Hell she was talking about back then. I still don't really get it. She and Melissa act like it's a good think to be "strong and silent"... they both used to look at me like I was an idol or something. But they don't have a fucking clue what it's like to be me.
Sure, there are some benefits. I mean--and I'm not trying to brag, but you can't really be as smart as I am without being like me in some ways.
But there are costs, too. It's not even worth it half the time. Sure, I can upgrade my car and get bids that'll give me a 50% profit margin within a couple days on Ebay, and yeah, I can speak Russian, Spanish, and German, and yeah, I can... fuckin' run ten miles on an empty stomach and get 2200 out of 2400 on practice SATs no sweat. But it's damn hard. It's damn brutal. I don't know what other people are like in their own lives, but I just can't imagine normal people going home and doing what I do... just sitting around, waiting for something to happen, hoping someone will call or... show up to hang out. It's a big deal for me when Mom comes up to my room with tea or M&Ms or whatever and just chats with me about stupid shit. I can't imagine most people being like that.
Then again... I'm not exactly likely to die in a car accident because I've got too much alcohol in my system to think straight.
...
Oh yeah... today, I joined an MMA club. Name of "Johnston's" or something. It's not too far from school... so, from tomorrow on, I'm gonna be stopping there for an hour before going home.
I originally signed up because I figured it would be great to beat on people in order to be cool for the rest of the day. Now... you could say I kind of respect martial arts as an art, not a way to get kicks. Guy who runs it's a pretty cool guy. He's like 70 years old, but he can drop me with one hand tied behind his back.
No, literally. He did that to demonstrate the kind of stuff I'm gonna be learning, and to give me an idea of what I'm gonna be capable of pretty soon. I didn't even see him move--I was just standing there, he told me to come at him, I did, and pow, I'm on my ass.
He told me that he can tell I'm kind of a, you know, different guy. Said he's pretty sure I'm a good guy, but the minute he gets the idea that I'm a bad guy, I'm getting blacklisted from every martial arts joint this side of the Mississippi.
Heh... "this side of the Mississippi". No one talks like that anymore.
"This side of the Mississippi..."
3/11/09
Had a pretty brutal workout today. Hit Johnston's, then went on a run. I basically collapsed when I got home, and Mom yelled me out for not knowing my limits or something.
Well, she didn't really yell at me. She kind of--you know how moms are. She kind of got scared, and impressed, and proud, all at the same time, and made me shower and then let her pamper me until Dad got home.
After that, the two of us headed out. Just the boys, you know? Except, I was in my car, and Dad was in his Beemer. Bidding on my car ended this morning; I'm pocketing a cool $5,000 on top of the costs of buying and building the car itself. So, we drove my car to the buyer's place, let him test it out for a while, and that was that.
He paid in cash. Seemed pretty happy about it.
So, me and Dad were heading home, and Dad asked me what I'm gonna do with my money. I said, well, the first thing I have to do is to get a license, but then, I'm gonna get a motorbike. Probably gonna spend seven grand or something. Dad asked me what I'm gonna do with the rest, I said that I'll probably put it in my college fund.
Dad reminded me that I'm going to Fraiser on a full ride scholarship. I said that in that case, I'll stick it with Takahashi's money, let it collect interest for a while, and then dump a ton of it into the Red Cross or something.
Dad didn't say anything for a while. Then he promised to match my donation.
3/12/09
Took a break from running today. We did a ton of calisthenics at Johnston's today, so I figure I got a pretty good workout there.
It's funny--Mr. Johnston says it usually takes newbs a couple weeks to get used to the kind of stuff we do there. Looks like I'm a natural, though. I've been going there for all of one day, but I'm picking up on this stuff fast, even though I barely worked out before joining.
I guess it's cause I used to watch a ton of videos on martial arts. Like, documentaries, and instructional videos and stuff. Plus, I'm a tiger--it's in my blood to know how people move, and how to kill them.
Kind of a grim way of looking at it. But it's true.
In school... eh, same old, same old. Used to be different a couple weeks ago, 'cause I used to do things worth thinking about at school. Before that, though, minute I got home my brain fuckin' erased everything I'd done earlier that day, because none of it mattered and it was taking up important space.
That's pretty much how it is again. Couldn't tell you anything specific about what I did today. I think I got a couple assignments back... who knows? I don't even do homework at home anymore; I have more than enough time to get through them in study hall.
So, I guess I'm pretty much as boring as I used to be. Except now, I don't have videogames to distract me. I tried to play CoD on my PC, but I got sick of it after like ten minutes, so I just went outside and walked around for a while.
A couple guys from school were playing basketball. Just the guys from Fox Chase--Browns, Chris, Matt, and two other guys who are sophomores. They looked like they were having a lot of fun, but basketball's a team sport, and there were five of 'em. So, I was walking by, they looked at me, I looked at them... the sophomores asked me if I wanted to play, and I said sure.
Browns was okay with it. He's an okay guy. We've never been friends, but he's always kind of been a weird kid, which is why he's always been cool with me. Chris and Matt are kind of jocks though. I think, anyway. They kind of winced when I said okay, but they were actually okay with me joining pretty soon.
I think I gave everyone a pretty good time. I've never really played basketball much, but Dad made me play it with him a couple years ago when he was in bad shape. So I guess I learned how to dribble and stuff okay, and these days, I'm pretty tall... so, yeah.
We played for like... forty minutes or something. In the end, everyone had to go for dinner, but I think Chris and Matt were starting to like me. I guess... I've kind of changed, recently. I used to be kind of a jerk, but now, I'm just a quiet, weird kid, who's not a jerk.
Not that I care. They almost got me to smile in the end, but the whole time I was playing, I just felt dead inside. I can't explain it. Chris tried to give me a high five, I just said that I'm pretty tired and I have to head home.
They asked me if I could play tomorrow, so I said sure... same time, same place. Then I went home and took a shower. That was a pretty good way to waste time until dinner.
Now... it's like eight o'clock, but I'm beat. Think I'm gonna turn in early tonight. It's either sleep, or sit in the dark by myself at my chair and hope for something to happen. Fuck it.
3/13/09
We did a practice AP test in Calc. Aced it. That's pretty much all I can remember from school today--oh yeah, I officially met the two sophomore kids I played with yesterday. Turns out they're on the football team.
Kind of weird that we play football year-round at Rob Lee, but whatever.
I used to think everyone on the team was a jerk, but I guess these guys are okay. Can't remember their names off the top of my head, but they're okay.
Hit Johnston's again today. Went running and did some pushups for fun. I don't know how I can do all this stuff without collapsing. I guess it's 'cause I have a good, healthy Russian diet... lots of meat and potatoes, heh.
Turns out we couldn't play basketball today, because there was a big football game. That's why--I showed up at Chris's house, which is where we were playing yesterday, and I just caught him and Matt heading over to the game. It was an away game... at Xavier's, which is like a good forty minutes away.
I thought they were crazy, and was just gonna go home, but they asked me if I wanted to come. I really didn't, but then I got to thinking... what the Hell else am I gonna do? So I called Mom, asked if I could go, she said yeah, and I went.
Got home at like nine. Was an okay time. Didn't really... do much for me, but it was an experience, I guess. Kind of loud, though, so I don't think I'll be going again.
Aleksandra was there. I guess she was on a date or something, because she was with this guy, Ryan. I know him from a few classes... actually, I think I've known him since like elementary. Don't know him that well, though. I think Mom was friends with his mom and tried to get us to be friendly, but he pissed me off and I told him to leave me alone or I'd cut him into little pieces.
I don't think he's forgiven me for that. Can't really blame him, even though I was like eight at the time. Whatever.
3/14/09
I torrented Swedish lessons starting last night. Spent the whole day getting through them.
Jag kan tala Svenska nu.
Wheeeeee.
3/15/09
I went to church for the first time in years today. Not for the services, though. Just to see Takahashi and kill some time serving poor people food. Had nothing better to do, so I figured just spending my time doing a good deed or whatever.
Got home at three. Spent more time on my Swedish. Went to Johnston's for an hour. Got back. Played basketball. Showered. Ate dinner.
I guess the guys I play with are kind of okay with me now. We're not friends. I'm never gonna have friends. But at least people are okay with me now. I guess they kind of get what's going on. I'm okay with playing basketball and even... going to football games sometimes, but I'm just not one of the guys. Never will be.
Signed up for my motorcycle license test online. Gonna take it on Thursday right after hitting Johnston's.
Went walking around in the woods where Aleksandra and I always used to go. Got to that spot where I murdered the Gislers' dog.
I honestly don't know what I should have done. Was I supposed to let that thing get her? Is that what she wanted? I know what I did was sort of brutal, but I didn't have a choice. If I'd be less aggressive, who knows what might have happened?
I dunno. I can't help it that I don't have a problem with being brutal. It's just who I am, and I. . . well, I guess I haven't kept it under control in the past. I know I used to be kind of dangerous, but now I'm okay. I wouldn't hurt anyone unless I absolutely had to. Or if I'm sparring.
But that doesn't count, because you always bump fists at the end.
3/16/09
Not much went on today. Just... school, then Johnston's, then I came home. Sat around and waited until it was time to play basketball, did that, ate dinner, and here I am.
Found a good deal on a bike in the paper. Went out with Mom to take a look at it, but someone had already bought it so we just went home.
Dad got back late tonight. Both of us stayed up for him. Just... drank tea, and played chess. Actually, Mom played chess, and I got my ass handed to me. I don't understand that game. In fact, I don't understand any game where you can't shoot someone in the brain with an assault rifle.
3/17/09
Aced some test in... English, I think. Can't remember. But I finished it in like half the time and I knew everything about it. I just couldn't tell you a damn thing about it now. School's like a big blank space in my mind these days.
I'm doing pretty good at Johnston's place these days. I think--it used to be that everyone thought I had beginners luck, or that I was a phenom or something and just thought that I was better than them, but now they're kind of getting used to me. Just because I don't like to talk much doesn't mean that I'm a jerk. I think they're starting to respect me, or like me, as much as anyone can.
Played basketball for a while today. Aleksandra walked by with one of her friends. Some Latina girl or something... her dad runs a couple of fast food joints around here. She lives in Fox Chase too, but on the other side, so I never really see her outside of school. I think she plays volleyball, too.
So, they were walking by... only reason I noticed is because Chris tried to show off and do a layup on me.
Didn't work. I smacked the ball... all the way to the other side of the Mississippi, heh.
Actually, I hit it near Aleksandra and her friend. She looked like she was going to pick it up and roll it back to us, but she took one look at me and walked away a little faster.
3/18/09
School. Johnston's. Bored. Basketball. Dinner. Bored.
Learned Swedish here and there, I guess. Kind of picking up on it. I posted on this one forum just to see how I'm doing, and I think my Swedish is almost conversational level. So, when I'm older, bored, and lonely, I can go and be bored and lonely in a Scandinavian country.
Gave up on Swedish. Started torrenting Ukrainian lessons... in case I ever meet another beautiful snow leopardess in my life.
Yeah, right.
I cut myself a little earlier. I was just so bored, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, so... whatever, you know? No reason not to do it. And it was sort of neat to see the blood running through my fur and then dripping off.
It's like nine now. I could go through my Ukrainian stuff until twelve, but I'm sick of them. They remind me of Aleksandra--and I don't know why that bitch left me like that. I didn't do a damn thing wrong--I saved her ass, for crying out loud.
...
I half-murdered my punching bag. Imagined it was Aleksandra.
If it really was Aleksandra dangling from a rope in my room right now, she'd be in worse shape than that fucking mutt.
3/19/09
Got my motorcycle license. Went there after Johnston's... which was after school, I guess. I think we did some shit in Calc... but I dunno. At one point, Schreiner asked me if I was doing okay, because I haven't been very talkative recently... not really emotional recently.
I just looked at her for a while. Didn't mean to be rude, but I didn't know what to say. She was talking to me from like two feet away, but I swear I didn't hear a word she said. I dunno.
Went running for a while. A long while. I guess I forgot that it's Friday, because I just got back like an hour ago... and it's like eleven now. Mom and Dad were pretty worried, but they didn't yell at me. I think they know something's up... they know that if they yell at me, I'd probably stab myself through the neck.
I feel pretty bad for making them worried. I think... they're pretty much all I've got left. I know I have these fucking hobbies now, but they don't matter. If I had to live like Aleksandra does--no mom, and she always comes home to an empty driveway--I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane weeks ago.
...
Mom just came up. Didn't really say much. And she knocked before coming in, which she never does. But she did this time, so I said "come in," and she did. Gave me a Slim Jim and said that it gets better.
I guess she gave me a lot more than a Slim Jim. I love you, Mom.
3/20/09
Looks like I forgot to tell the guys that I was getting my motorcycle license yesterday. When I showed up today, they were actually... kind of worried. Said sorry. Played a pretty good game, even though I was beat from yesterday.
Not much else to say. Had fun at Johnston's--we learned a lot about grappling today. It's really fascinating stuff, because it's nothing like what we were doing before. Thing is, it's hard for a guy like me to practice, because I don't like being touched.
Told Johnston that. He said it's okay, and that I could just practice by myself until I'm okay with being touched.
Don't think he really got it. I'm never gonna be okay with being touched. I think I might have gotten close to it one day if Aleksandra and I were still friends, 'cause being around that girl calmed me down. I didn't mind it when she touched me too much. Anyone else, though... I'm fucking shivering thinking about it.
Whatever, though. I'll get good at grappling all by myself. No other choice.
3/21/09
I actually ran into Aleksandra today.
I hit Johnston's in the morning and was going on my run. Was heading to that one stream at the very edge of Fox Chase, right before where there's that fence. On the other side it's all public land, but no one really cares. Aleksandra and I crossed that fence a few times... don't even need to jump to clear it in a lot of places, because the logs are basically rotted and there's no reason to fix them.
Anyway, I saw her, and she saw me, and we stopped. She looked kind of scared, but I just stood there for a while... just to let her know that I wasn't going to go crazy and take her out. Said hello eventually, asked how she was doing. She said she was okay... kind of looked away, and said that she ought to go home.
She was still pretty afraid of me. I don't want her to be afraid of me, because it's fucking terrible to see someone else, a person who you care about, standing there with their tail sort of twitching so that you know they're getting ready to run
I asked her if she wanted to walk for a while. Just... not even as friends. Just as neighbors. Just because. We used to be friends, and we live close, and I'd rather take the beating I gave that fucking dog before I let anyone touch a hair on her head.
I don't think I said that out loud. But I think she got that I still like her. And, eventually, she said yeah, she'd like to walk for a while.
So, we walked. For a while. Like... a good hour, or something like that. Didn't really talk much. I didn't want to look at her too much either, or else she might, you know, get spooked. And I could tell that she was pretty nervous. She never got too close to me, plus, she was always shying off to one side and near the edge of the trail so she could sprint away if she had to.
I guess I just said some stupid shit, and she did the same thing. We only talked about school and stuff... nothing important. I wish I could talk more--I wish I'd learned to talk better. I'm pretty sure that I write like ten times as much as I talk, especially these days. I guess that means I think about what I say a lot more, but sometimes, I can't think of what to say no matter how much I try to think about it.
You know... I really liked that girl. I still do. I remember--there used to be this one kid in first grade who I liked. Name was Matt Sullivan, or something. Pretty good guy--he was a mountain lion or something, so I guess we used to sort of get along because he was a feline too. I kind of liked that kid, but I guess it's kind of hard to be friends with me. Creepy Ruskie tiger stuff aside, I know I can be a prick sometimes. And back in the day, I was even worse.
So, eventually, that kid just stopped hanging out with me. Couldn't forget about him for months. And then he got run over by a car, so... yeah.
I still miss that kid. He was a pretty decent guy. Had to have been his parents' pride and joy, because after he died, his mom suffocated herself and his dad blew his brains out with a shotgun. Read about it in the newspaper, back when I was six.
Heh... I guess I am pretty weird. How many fuckin' six-year-olds read the newspaper? I didn't even read it that much. I don't even know why I did that day.
3/22/09
Got up early and went running for a while. Went to Johnston's. Was going to go and play basketball with the guys. Went there, but when I got there, they were all just sort of sitting and talking about stuff. I was gonna go, but Browns said hey, why not sit down for a while, so I did.
Didn't really say much. But we had an interesting conversation. About politics and stuff like that.
I don't really know much about politics. I mean, yeah, I know Obama's the President and all that, but it doesn't really make much of a difference to me. Same thing with Mom and Dad--I used to ask them about politics and stuff during the election, but they weren't really keeping up with things. All they'd ever say is not to worry about it too much, because as long as the US doesn't go hardcore commie, it doesn't matter that much if we have to pay higher or lower taxes, or if we execute murderers or not.
Kind of an interesting way to look at it. That's the one thing I really remember saying when Chris and Matt started to really go at it. Matt sort of looked at me for support, and I said that, and everyone just kind of calmed down and said that I had a point.
Browns said that it's great that we get to live in a free, safe place, so why not do something fun? And just like that, we started to play basketball again.
Heh... kind of seems weird that we're celebrating being free by playing a retarded little game. In a way, I guess that's what being free is all about, though... just being left alone to play retarded little games if you want to, and talk about what you want without worrying about the commissar coming along to send you to Siberia you for being against party principles.
Mom had a headache today, so me and Dad cooked dinner. Steaks, of course.
It's not that we can't cook. It's just nice to get a chance to be, you know, manly men from time to time. So, we broke out the grill, fired it up, and cooked up some nice New York strips and ate them with grilled vegetables and mashed potatoes.
Kind of weird. We're all tigers, but none of us can take a steak that's under medium-well. Mom even says she's probably going to go vegetarian soon.
Dad says that's fine. Just as long as she doesn't cook vegetarian.
It's so funny watching Mom and Dad go back and forth. They've been together for over twenty years now, but they still get along so well.
I wish I could meet someone who would tolerate me for twenty years. But I know it's not going to happen. Even the good times I have with Chris, Matt, Browns, Fred and Dan... it's not going to last for too much longer. Sooner or later, something's gonna happen, and they're never going to want to look at me again.
Same thing's probably gonna happen with Mom and Dad, too. I'm gonna do something, and... that'll be that.
I don't know why I'm thinking like this, either. I had a great day--I should feel great, but it's like--if you were born with a terrible disease, and you didn't notice it, and no one told you, I think you'd still sort of know, somehow.
I feel the same way. Something's really wrong or something, but I can't quite put my finger on it. But I'm still slowly dying, day by fucking day.
It's just a matter of time before something gives, but by then, it'll be over.
3/23/09
3/24/09
3/25/09
3/26/09
3/27/09
3/28/09
3/29/09
I can't believe I've been out of school for a whole week. I've never felt so bad before in my life, though. Tried to get up last Monday morning and I just couldn't move. Was fucking exhausted, so I told Mom I'd get a few more hours of sleep and go in late or something, but I was out until Dad got home.
Ended up going to the hospital. Like, the ER, not just the doctor's. Turns out I had really severe pneumonia with complications and a bad cold or something. Had to spend that night in the hospital... and the next day, too.
On Wednesday they let me go home. But I've been fucking beat. Just... too exhausted and sick to do any more than to eat or let Mom feed me, and that's about it.
Turns out the guys came over Thursday to see what was up. Mom told me that--said she was confused, and kind of scared, that a couple of big teenage guys were showing up at her door. 'Cause it's the first time anyone's ever come to our door to see me.
It's nice to know that they were sort of worried about me. But God damn it, I wish--
...
Even though I've been so sick, I wake up every morning, just in time to get ready to go to school. And 'cause my bed's right near the window I can kind of roll over and just look out.
It's been snowing a good amount over the past few days. Kind of weird, 'cause it's so late in March, but not that weird, I guess. And it's so pretty to just look out and see the snow coming down. I wish I could go out, but even now I'm just... I don't even know if I'll be able to get up tomorrow. I caught up on all my homework today, but that was like wrapped in like fifty blankets, next to a space heater, with Mom on-call the whole time.
And I'm all like fuzzy. Not--besides the blankets and the fur, I mean. I can't really think... it's hard to focus, even when I'm doing problems I know I can, it's just hard. I can't even keep track of what I'm thinking about half the time. Don't even know what I was writing about before I started to cough.
...
Oh... yeah. . .
Every morning, except for Tuesday, since I was at the hospital... every damn morning, I've been getting up, and just waiting until it's time to go to school.
There are like two bus stops in Fox Chase--there's the one that Matt, Chris, Browns, Fred, and Dan use, and then there's the other one that used to be just for me. There was another one too, but then they consolidated them... so, Aleksandra walks past my house to get to the bus every morning. I've been getting up and staying up just to see her.
She's like an angel in the snow. Sounds corny, but that's just how I see it. Just... the way she walks... it's like she's not even touching the ground. She just... just drifts from point A to point B, always smiling, always happy, with her blond hair floating in the air behind her.
I can't believe how close we used to be. We used to be friends--good friends--but now, it apparently doesn't matter to her if I'm half-dead in my bed for a week. And she knows that I'm out of school, because we still have all those classes together, and she's been sitting next to an empty chair all week.
And she doesn't even need to walk out of her fucking door to see what's up. It would mean so much to me if I got a phone call, or an email, or a single stinking text message from her, but apparently she doesn't even have the time for that.
I can understand it if she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I don't like it, but God damn--I put myself in danger for that girl, and now she's pretending that I don't exist.
...
It's snowing pretty hard now. Seriously--it's coming down. They've already closed down the schools near Krebs', because there are a ton of mountains up there, so they get a ton of snow all the time. But Dad's saying that they might close down Rob Lee, too.
You know... Mom's been the one who's taken care of me this week. When I'm awake, I mean. Because I've been so tired--pretty much been passing out at like four pm until eight the next morning. So I asked Dad what he's been up to this week, you know, outside of work and stuff.
He said something like, "Not too much, not too much... just doing some reading for a change, and relaxing, working on the business's website and all. Can't do too much in a messy teenager's bedroom, can you?"
Turns out he's been staying with me pretty much from when he got home to when he goes to sleep. Just to hang out and make sure I'm okay, and warm, and probably to get a chance to mess with my hair too. Because he loves to do that, and I absolutely hate it.
Well, not really. But you know how it is. When your dad messes with your hair, you mrowl real loudly and glare at him and pretend to be mad, and in my case, spend the next ten minutes shivering because someone touched you.
Heh... I guess me and Dad are just like that. We don't talk too much--actually, I don't talk much at all, but I barely say a few words to Dad a day. I even talk to Mom more than I talk to him. But, you know, he calls me a messy teenager, I say that I'm not helping him shovel the driveway, he offers me a candybar, I help him shovel the driveway, and that's that.
I don't even like candy that much.
3/30/09
No school today. But that's fine. I got a chance to recover. Felt pretty good. Even went to Johnston's this afternoon. Was exhausted by the end, but I felt great. It's so nice to be able to not just lie in bed and rot.
Dad got me a motorcycle today. He called me from work--'cause Mom told him I was doing okay, and he just wanted to talk, he said. But we got to talking about motorcycles, for like an hour, and I said the Kawasaki Ninja has got to be the sweetest one ever. Said I'd love to have one, and then, Dad had to mysteriously go all of a sudden.
Turns out he spent a while talking to dealers around here to find out which had Ninjas ready to go home that day. Didn't get a hit until late afternoon... by then I was at Johnston's, so when Mom drove me home, she was all smug, and by the time we got home, she had her camera out.
Took me a while to get why there was a motorcycle in the driveway. Video's priceless, apparently. Had to get Mom to promise not to put it on Youtube. Dad had the thing gassed up and running by the time I was there, so he just tried to hug me, gave me the keys, and let me just ride around until whenever I got back.
Was really refreshing. Just... so nice to drive around like that. Dad got me some sick gloves and a helmet--one of the good ones with Bluetooth and all that so I can connect it to my phone--and I always rock my trenchcoat and boots. Of course, next time I go around on my motorcycle in fuckin' sub-zero weather, I'm wearing a hoody underneath it.
Anyway... was a great time. My bike--man, it's so sweet to be able to say that--it's actually pretty quiet. And when you're wearing a helmet, it's almost silent, for a powerful fucking vehicle. So, I just had time to think, and relax, and just enjoy the snow and the forests and everything.
I went everywhere. All the way up to Krebs' and back, and down that--damn, I can never remember the name. But it's that one road near school that's got like two miles of trees on each side, you cross through that mesa on the top of the hill, and pow, you're in the desert.
It was so nice. Probably the nicest thing I've done in a while. Wasn't at all like working on my car or playing basketball or running or getting in the ring at Johnston's. When you're all by yourself like that, you have time to really reflect and get to know yourself better.
Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just insane. I believe it. Because I swear to God I saw Aleksandra out there a few times. Just... walking at the side of the road, or in the forests, and smiling at me the way she used to. Of course, every time I'd look a little closer, she'd vanish.
Ended up getting home with basically no gas left in my tank. Almost got sick again, but I'm okay. I'll be okay.
3/31/09
We had school today, I guess. Construction on the new part started, so I kind of hung out for a few minutes afterwards to watch them work.
Not up to much else, though. I watched a few instruction videos on martial arts and knife fighting and shooting. Dunno why. I think Dad has a shotgun, but I've only seen it like twice, and I'm not really into guns unless they're in video games.
Maybe I'll get one, though. Just for fun, I guess, even though it's kind of a waste of money.
Whatever. I do enough productive stuff to justify stuff like this now and then.
Not up to snuff today apart from that, though. Got a few upgrades for my bike and spent a couple hours installing them. HID kit, baggage compartment, some sweet decals... not much else...
I'll probably end up selling this damn thing too. Fuck it.
...
I don't know what's going on. No matter what I do, or what I get, I'm only happy for like five seconds. It's pathetic. I'm so ungrateful, but there's literally nothing I can do about it.
I really did like my bike. I still do. But it's not--it can't make me happy. I don't know what could make me happy these days, and it's fucking bizarre. I have everything that any decent person could ever want or need, and I'm still finding an excuse to be miserable.
At least I'm not a jerk anymore. But whatever. No one cares.
4/01/09
Aleksandra said hi to me today. Right before class, too. I was at my locker, swapping my coat for my hoody, and she just came up and said what's up. Asked me how I was doing and if I was okay.
I just stared at her. What, she... she fucking doesn't have time to give me a single call, or email, or text for a week, and then she comes to talk to me? I didn't know what the Hell to think. I was sort of happy that she wanted to talk again, but looking at her made me pissed off that she wants to talk to me now. It was like she wanted to make herself feel better that she fucking wasn't a friend when I actually needed it, or wanted it, by doing something after the fact.
I think I was going to say that it was alright, though. I'm pretty sure that I was gonna say that.
But she was with her friends. She's pretty popular these days. Can't walk ten feet without someone from her volleyball team coming up to her to chat, or some guy coming up to hit on her.
She spent like two seconds looking at me before some bitch came and dragged her away.
So just like that, she was gone. Again.
Took a day off from Johnston's cause I was pretty tired and still recovering.
Looking back, I probably should have gone. Might have made me feel better.
When I got home, I just... had fucking nothing to do. There was too much snow outside, so I'm not going to play basketball, and I got rid of my fucking games; Mom's out shopping, Dad's at work until late today, so... it's just me.
Sat around for a while. Went on the internet. Sat around some more.
I used to love being alone, cause then I could turn up the volume on my speakers or watch fucked up videos online without my headphones. Now I hate it. It's so fucking quiet. I wish I could hear... Mom walking around, or doing her work, or something. Or to just hear more than my own fucking thoughts echoing around.
I went outside to walk around. I got fucking bored of it after like ten minutes and just ran home because I was sick of walking.
I'm sick of everything these days. Everything I used to do that made me happy is fucking done. Mom left me dinner, and I'm eating it as slowly as I can now, at like five PM, just so that I can have something to do for a few minutes longer.
I can't believe I'm writing logs at five PM. I'm a fucking waste of fur.
...
Ended up cleaning my room for a while. Just let Dad say my room's messy again. Fucking can't do it anymore.
...
Cut myself. With Mom's big kitchen knife. The straight-edge one that she uses for meat and stuff.
I guess I'm not much more than a sack of meat. Dunno why I'm alive... don't really think there's a reason at this point.
Not that there ever was. I guess when I was younger, I might have existed so that Mom and Dad could be happy that they had a son, but... I'm not really a good son. Never have been. I get in trouble at school all the time, and I can't even let my own mother hug me more than once a month.
...
Went driving around on my motorcycle for a while. Just... to have something to do, I guess. It's really nice weather out here... really cloudy, and snowing, just a little bit. It's not too cold, though. I can see my breath in the air, but just barely.
I texted Mom to let her know what's up. She asked me where I am... I just replied that I'd be back by nine or ten, and that I'd call her if anything happened. The truth is, I don't really know where I am right now.
I guess I could use my phone's GPS thingy. I dunno, though. I think I might be... hallucinating right now. Everything is so perfect right now. It's just me, standing by the side of my bike, in the middle of the road. There are two hills around here... one behind me, one in front of me, but they're like a mile away, so if another car or bike was coming, I'd be able to see it and get out of the way.
Everywhere else... to the sides and all around, it's just desert. All that dry, empty space, covered with frost. There's nothing out here for miles and miles; don't think I've seen anything else in like twenty minutes. It's so lonely and cool and quiet and dark, and if I was here like three months ago, I'd be the happiest person alive.
Right now, I just... just fucking wish I had someone with me. Not Mom or Dad, though. If I had... Aleksandra with me right now, it would be perfect.
But I don't. So right now, I just want to curl up on the side of the road and sleep forever.
4/02/09
Didn't end up finishing my logs for yesterday. Sorry, I guess... to all of the people who will ever read this stuff, heh. I doubt even I'll ever touch this stuff again ever in my life. Maybe they'll read these in like five hundred years when we're all dead and fossilized.
In case that's how it turns out, um... Sup? Heh.
Anyway... ended up just driving home after I hung around way out there on my bike. It took me a long time to find my way. Don't even remember how I did it... I just drove around for like an hour, eventually found signs for the highway, and that was that.
Looking back, that whole fuckin' experience was like... a dream or something. I know I said that it felt like I was hallucinating at the time, but that's not really right. I mean, I dunno, because I'm never gonna touch drugs in my life, but there were no... weird colors and shit. It was pretty much just dark gray and black and the color of my bike's light.
I think I did see things, though. And hear them. Don't really remember what. I just remember that it was a... really strange experience.
Today I went to school. Just... hung out, did my work, answered a few questions. Saw Fred and Dan after lunch. They were heading to their math class... we just passed in the hallway, said hey. They said that basketball's on for today, so I said I'll be there, same time as usual.
School finished. Went to Johnston's. Not too many people were there today, cause most of the class lives over in Hamilton Township, and the one road that they use to get over here got shut down because of a big accident. Detour would've added like forty five minutes to the commute, so they just took the day off.
Was an interesting class. We did a ton of kicking.
I'm getting stronger, I think. Like, a lot stronger. Today, I did like twenty five kicks straight, rapid-fire, no rest, and then again with my other leg. Doing five would've put me on my ass two months ago, but now, I can do it.
I dunno why I'm all into being fit and being a good fighter these days. I think it's because Johnston teaches you all this good stuff, but he'll also tell you about when and when not to use it... about combat restraint and all that. I think that speaks to me a lot. Maybe if I'd known how to fight, but also how to hold myself back on that day... well, the Gisler's mutt would be dead, no mistake, but I wouldn't have gone overboard. And Aleksandra wouldn't be scared of me, and we'd still be friends.
So yeah. Interesting class as always. Did some sparring, but Johnston paired me up with this old guy, so it wasn't really a challenge. I think he did it to really make a point about holding yourself back, because even with all this protective gear on... if I wanted to hurt that guy, I really could have. I mean... I could have broken his ribs with a kick, or taken out his shins, or knees; could've broken his snout or bruised his throat with a punch.
I didn't, though. I mean, I won, but I didn't wipe the floor with him. I just kept him back, didn't let him touch me, and got my points when I could without k... killing him.
I think I could kill a person these days. With just my bare hands. It wouldn't even be that hard, because I'm starting to figure out where weak points are. If I wanted to fuckin' disable someone, or paralyze them, or kill them... if I got the jump on them and it was a one-on-one thing, I'd probably be able to do it pretty quickly.
I'd never do that, though. Just... not the right thing to do. I mean, I could do it, but I could never look Mom in the eye afterwards, so...
Oh, yeah. After class, I was just gonna head home, but Johnston asked me to hang around for a while. Said he'd give me twenty bucks to help him clean up and close the place; I said keep the money. Never took a dime from Takahashi to help him clean up his boards and stuff, so why would I take money from Johnston? I know how much money it takes to run a business--he's barely got a profit margin from what he charges us.
So, I hung around for like half an hour. He didn't ask me to do much. Just to put some of the gear away and stuff like that. Can't believe he was gonna give me twenty for something like that.
Was gonna head home, but he just started to talk to me. Sort of like the way Takahashi used to. Takahashi would just say something, like... nice weather today, or something, and we'd just chat for a while.
That's kind of how it went today. We were behind the desk, just sitting down and drinking water, and he was showing me some pictures of him from back in the day. From back when he was in 'Nam.
Said he got drafted, just like everyone else, but ended up staying after his ToD was up. Didn't really say why. I don't even know if he feels bad about it or not. He just told me his war stories... about firefights and stuff, and crawling through tunnels, and shooting machineguns out of helicopters while they tore up the fucking jungle with napalm and rockets.
Don't really know why he talked about all this stuff to me, of all people. Most people think I'm a really fucking bloodthirsty, dangerous guy. And... well, I can kind of see why. I don't think most people would have gone as far as I did with that mutt.
I still dunno if I did the right thing or not that day. Dunno... what I was supposed to have done.
Whatever. Next time a massive dog attacks Aleksandra, she's on her own.
4/03/09
Schreiner kept me after class today. Said I've been pretty quiet recently. Just shrugged.
I guess she's right, though. I used to be pretty quiet, but I'd ask questions now and then, or smirk when she said stupid stuff, or make sarcastic comments when she tried to get me involved. Now, it's just yes, no, or I tell her the answer to the question and that's all. She said it's like I'm not even alive anymore.
She tried pretty hard to drag a couple words out of me. I wasn't having any of it, though. Just stared at her like I was staring right through her and waited for her to let me go.
It's not that I don't like her. I just don't care, and I don't want to talk about anything to anyone, least of all her.
Had a pretty good time at Johnston's, though. He taught us some pretty brutal shit today, about joint locks and what you can do to someone's arms to fuck them up if you're pinning them down and they're not giving up.
I think it was mostly because we had a few cops come in today. Usually, the cops will come in for the later classes, but today a couple showed up and asked about what your options are if you're on top of a really big guy and he's... still threatening you somehow, or something.
Seemed like kind of a weird question. But then I realized that if you're like 5'3" and a hundred a ten pounds, if you're trying to pin a seven foot tall crackhead, all he has to do is flop like a fish to get you off.
But there are things you can do. The more obvious things are to go for an arm bar, but if that's not possible, you still have a lot of options. You can go for the guy's weak points, like his eyes, or nose, or ears, or neck. If you can't do that, then your best option is to get off and wait for him to try to get up, because when he does, there are at least a couple seconds when you'll have an opening.
Was kind of weird practicing with cops. It's not that I like or dislike cops. I've just never really been around them before. There are one or two who sometimes stop by at school just to say hey to everyone and make sure everything's okay, but that's about it.
It's kind of pointless, though. We haven't had a fight at Rob Lee for like three months, and I'm about the closest thing to a school shooter you'd get around here, and I'd never do anything like that.
...
We had a good time playing basketball today. After we were finished, I went for a run and did some pushups and stuff... just for fun.
Passed Aleksandra on the way home. She kind of glanced at me once and looked away.
...
Just had dinner. Was pretty good... some nice fish and meatballs with rice. It was really good, actually, but I wasn't that hungry. Couldn't even have seconds, even though I did a good amount of running and stuff today.
Had a spoonful of ice cream just because. I don't even like deserts and stuff anymore.
My stocks have been doing pretty good recently. Today, I sold everything off just to cash out... I've made 8% in a month, which is pretty good. Really good actually. Now I have enough money to buy up some stuff without fucking anything up for the money I'll need during college and stuff.
So, I ordered some... just random shit, I guess. Some clothes, protein powder, a Zippo, a big KA-BAR knife, a nice Lamy pen, dog tags...
I dunno.
4/04/09
Mom and Dad had to go to this big conference thing in the city or something. We had a nice breakfast and they left, so now it's ten in the morning and I've just watched every fucking interesting thing I could online and I don't have anything else to do.
Johnston's doesn't open until noon. I guess I'll go there, come back, and eat something... probably a few big sandwiches and stuff. Maybe I'll make a nice Greek salad... I like they way they cut up the onions and mix in just a little feta cheese and sliced olives.
...
Not too many people at Johnston's today. There were a couple of the other regulars, and one or two others, and me. Wasn't a bad time, but we didn't do anything interesting, so... whatever.
It's kind of cold outside, but not really. The snow's starting to melt already, but it's still pretty cloudy, and they're predicting a wintery mix today and tomorrow. Kind of relaxing to just chill out here and eat sandwiches and drink milk. Really peaceful, you know?
It's a little too quiet, though. It's just me, and... the sound of the fire, and whatever I'm doing.
I'm going to do some homework or something. I don't even know if I have homework. I'm just going to study something or else I'm going to put my head through the nearest wall.
...
I studied for a while. Don't even know why. At this point, I know everything there is to know in all of my books. I even memorized some stuff... like, I can remember the way one question was worded or why one explanation was a little off, or... just stuff like that that ought to have told me that I don't need to hit the books again until next year.
Walked around the house for a while. Cleaned up some stuff. Watched some TV until I got pissed off enough to put the remote through the fucking screen, and then I just jumped on my bike and went for a ride.
I drove around for a while. Just around town, though. There's plenty to see around here. I mean, I was tempted to head up to Krebs', but I didn't really want to. So, I just... drove around for a while and looked at stuff and thought.
Eventually ended up over by that old dynamite factory. It's the one right next to the river, where that one couple drove off the road, broke through the barrier and almost died a couple years ago. That story made the news because neither of them could swim worth shit, and they didn't remember how they got out of the water.
So, yeah. I was just driving around there, just for fun, and I saw this big Lincoln parked out back, just relaxing. There was a guy inside and he looked pretty cold; I thought he might be in trouble, so I pulled up and asked if he was okay.
Said he was fine. Was just eating some soup out of a can and listening to music or something. He was a Russian guy... not my kind of Russian, though. He looked pretty shifty, you know? And he had the car running for some reason, and he wasn't parked. It was like he was ready to bug the fuck out of there at any time.
Asked him what was up. He told me to fuck off, and I'm nobody's bitch, but... well, there's pretty much no other way to put it. I got the fuck out of there pronto. Dunno why I didn't give that motherfucker a piece of my mind, and maybe my knife too. Just... he have me the fuckin' chills. It's like when Dad used to work in the city and he'd take me with him for fun, and we'd pass a crack dealer or something. You just know something is up even if you can't smell anything weird--you just know to keep your distance.
Drove around for a while. Passed by the gun store... then went back and headed inside.
I know I wasn't supposed to be there. But I couldn't help it. I don't really like guns that much, but... just that fucking rush of doing something you're not supposed to do... at the time, I couldn't resist it. And it wasn't like I did anything wrong... just wandered around there and looked at all the stuff they had.
Heh, it was actually kind of weird, come to think of it. I don't live in a hick area, but they had deer heads and shit mounted all over the place. They had a ton of fishing stuff and gun magazines too.
And they had a ton of guns, of course. Like, walls of them.
Realized that I could buy a gun. I hadn't even thought of it until then. I mean, I had the cash--I have thousands in my bank account from stocks and selling my car, and I had my debit card on me. Which is kind of weird, 'cause I never carry my debit card around. I never fuckin' carry my credit card around, either. Just like ten bucks in cash unless I want to buy gas or something else. I don't--well, I mean, I don't want to get robbed at all, but if I do, I don't want to get robbed of that much, you know?
So, I... sort of told the clerk that I was pretty much new to shooting. He asked me if I knew the three rules, and I said yeah, and told him what they were. I memorized them off the NRA's site, like... months ago or something. Dunno why. That was pretty much enough to tell him that I was cool.
Which was nice. Looking back, I guess it wasn't exactly smart to go into a gun shop dressed like you're part of the Trenchcoat Mafia. But it's not my fucking fault that I like trenchcoats. I mean, why not like trenchcoats? They're comfortable and practical, and they make lanky motherfuckers like me look like we got some meat on our bones. But yeah--it was pretty nice of the clerk to not be all, "Oh, you're dressed like this therefore you're going to do this" and shit.
Then again, it would have been kind of hypocritical if he had done that. The man was gothic. We even talked about Marilyn Manson while he waited for my background check to go through.
Cool dude, actually. No wonder he went to Xavier's, not Rob Lee.
So, yeah, I bought a Mini 14. It's just a basic 5.56mm semiauto rifle. I got the standard version... full stock, wood furniture, basic sling, variable-power scope, an extra mag and some ammo. Bought an NRA shirt, too... it was $20, but it was pretty cool, so... yeah.
Put the rifle case over my back and drove home, and here I am, eating dinner.
I don't know what I'm going to tell Mom and Dad about my rifle. I mean... Dad has a shotgun under his bed, but I can't even remember the last time I've seen it. It's just sort of there, you know? It's not that it's taboo or anything, it's just, like... you don't talk about the toaster, do you, unless there's a reason to, because it's just something that you take for granted and don't care about unless you need it.
Dunno why I bought the Mini, though. There's no real point. Dad's got it in him to shoot someone to defend me and Mom, but I dunno if I do. I dunno if I even want to have that. I mean, I want to live, but I don't know if I could actually kill anyone to live.
I know Dad could, though. Dunno how, I just know. It should scare me, but it really doesn't, because I know he'd never touch a hair on my head.
Except to ruffle it and make me complain, of course. But that doesn't count. You know what I mean... heh...
You know, it's kind of fucked up. I know that Dad would never hurt me, even though he would definitely kill anyone to protect me. I killed that fucking mutt to protect Aleksandra, and she and everyone else, even Dad, was like shocked that I did that. I know it was messy, but I was just so FUCKING angry--
...
I got about an inch from mauling my punching bag with my knife. I don't even know why I got so upset so quickly. I haven't been this bad since freshman year, and that's when I shoved a pencil through Gisler's hand because he smacked my ass.
It's a good fucking thing that kid got transferred to Bedford's, which is where you get sent if you're really fucked up or retarded, or else he'd get a closed casket and I'd get thirty to life.
You know, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was really wrong. I think that if someone pissed me off enough, I could definitely kill them. I could probably do a lot more than that, because when I was angry, I shoved Aleksandra, and that's something I would never do normally.
I dunno, man. I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad about my rifle, and if they tell me to return it, I'm going to. If I don't, I can definitely see the day where I pick it up and kill myself, or a whole bunch of other people.
4/05/09
Turns out Mom and Dad don't really care about my rifle. Just as long as I'm sensible, I mean. They pretty much gave me the same rules I got when they gave me my knife... don't be an idiot, don't bring it to school, and that's pretty much it. Dad asked to see it and he sort of went through the manual with me, which was cool of him. Mom's not really into guns as much, so she pretty much had the same learning experience I did.
Kind of weird... I think I actually need Mom and Dad around to watch me, you know, so that I don't go crazy. It's because I don't think I could really do anything to embarrass them. Like, I do some bullshit in school, or I used to, and the worst part wasn't getting made fun of or whatever. It was when the teachers and principals yelled at me, if I respected them, and when Mom or Dad came to yell at me.
Come to think of it, Mom and Dad never really yelled at me. They just told me they were disappointed, and that was... pretty bad. I don't think I give a fuck about what anyone thinks except for them. Like, when I got my first trenchcoat back in the day, Dad told me I looked ridiculous or something, and I pretty much sulked for a week even after he said he was sorry.
'Course, then he dragged me out to the store and bought one of his own and we went for a walk and talked about the shit he did when he was my age.
Heh, Dad's a pretty funny guy. He's also a huge hypocrite to tell me I look ridiculous with my trenchcoat. That day, he told me that he used to be really into heavy metal and stuff. He was even part of a band, but it never went anywhere because at practice everyone would pretty much get drunk and pass out, so he got pissed off and quit.
But, yeah, he was really into heavy metal before he, you know, grew up and came to the US. He even had long hair, like... he said it got to about mid-back length before he cut it off. One time, he was on a bike and heading home after school or something, and a couple of his buddies cut him off in a van and almost hit him. So, the next day, he goes to talk to his friends and they tell him about this chick on a bike they almost ran into because she was an idiot... and he said he sort of got that spider sense, you know, and he asked them where it was and when it was, and it turns out the "chick" was him.
He doesn't really have many pictures of himself from back then, but when we got home, he went through his stuff and found a picture of his old band, and I looked at it and asked him if his stage name was Rapunzel.
Took him a while to get it. I mean, he is a Russian guy--Hell, I don't even think he has US citizenship yet, even though he could have gotten it like fifteen years ago from Mom. Anyway, he was like, "What is this 'Rapunzel'?", and then he thought, and then you could see the lightbulb go off, and then he laughed and called me cheeky.
He actually suggested that I grow my hair out someday, but I really don't know. I mean... just eaugh, you know? I can't picture myself with anything longer than like shoulder length, and even that's a stretch. And it's not just because I don't want people to call me Rapunzel. And I'd be cramping Dad's style, heh.
Anyway... so now that Mom and Dad are both home, I discovered that I can't stand it. I paced around in my room for a while, tried to play Xbox or go online, but I just got pissed off. Grabbed my rifle case and headed out on my bike and here I am, in the middle of the morning, chilling out about... I'd say ten, fifteen miles from school at that big forest that that weird old guy used to own before he died.
Haven't seen anyone around here in a while. And it's kind of nice to just relax and walk around. I actually kind of like nature... like wilderness, you know? Sure, it's nice to fuck around in video games and stuff, but... I sort of feel calm now.
I guess that's a good thing. Guess it's a good thing that I'm occupied at all, but this can't last. Something's really wrong... has been for a while. It's like someone cut my arm off or something but I haven't noticed it yet, even though I know something is missing.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just insane.
Whatever. Until they fix me, I'm going to do what I can to enjoy myself. Right now, I'm sort of chilling out on this bench the old guy must have built. There's a great view out here--there's like a nice big lake about a hundred yards away, and then a forest, and then there's a plain behind me.
I guess I'm gonna do some target practice now. Let's see if shooting is as easy IRL as it is in CS. Guess after that I'll get something for lunch and then go to Johnston's. We'll see.
...
Pretty much... did some shooting, grabbed a sandwich at home, headed to Johnston's, came back, and here I am.
I'm okay at shooting, I guess. Like, I'm not great, but I'm not bad, either. I can keep a decent grouping at like fifty yards, so I guess that's alright. Meh... I'll get better in time, I guess. Just in case I ever need to go to war, heh.
We did a lot of practice with joint locks and stuff at Johnston's. Was kind of cool. Class ended up being pretty long, since we had a lot of newbs today for some reason, and they had a ton of questions.
It was pretty inspirational, actually. Like, they knew almost nothing about how to fight, but they didn't let that stop them. There's a really good culture at Johnston's, and I think the man himself knows that. How he created it I don't know, but he's a genius for having done that and having maintained it for so long.
I was going running, but when I did I... I ran into Chris and everyone again, heh. They were playing basketball as usual, and when I showed up, they were actually kind of happy to see me. They asked me where I'd been and stuff, so I told them that I got really sick and busy and everything, and... then we pretty much played three on three again, just like we used to.
These guys really aren't too bad, you know. I mean, Dan, who's one of the sophomores, he can't really play that well, but he's a fast little dude. If he could dribble right, he'd be able to get right past me nine times out of ten. He's getting better, though... doesn't let being gay stop him, even though I'm pretty sure his dad knocks him around for it.
I wonder what it's like to be gay. Like, if I was gay, would life be more or less weird? Heh. I dunno. I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, though. I'm pretty sure I don't like guys like that... not that I'm sure that I'm straight, though.
We actually discussed girls and stuff a while in, when we were taking a break and just hanging out and enjoying the weather. It's kind of chilly today, but definitely a lot nicer than it's been for a while, so it was nice to just sit there and drink Capri-Suns and talk.
Chris and Matt are currently single, but they've both had girlfriends pretty much since middle school or freshman year. Browns is dating that one girl from Texas who's all about horseback riding or whatever. She's actually really good at it, apparently. Like, she wins big competitions and stuff. Fred's a religious guy, so he said he sometimes gets set up with girls from his church, and Dan's probably the only gay guy in school who's not a fag, so yeah.
As for me... I got ninety nine problems, but a bitch ain't one. Not anymore, anyway.
Anyway, it's getting late real fast. I'm gonna shower, eat dinner and try to do some work on reading for English. Maybe I'll write more logs later, but I don't think anything interesting is going to happen, so...
4/06/09
Headed to school. Went home. Went to Johnston's, came back, went on a little run, showered, and here I am.
I guess it's a pretty good thing that I'm keeping myself so busy. It's like the old saying, idle hands are Satan's work... that's definitely true for me. I would have liked to play some b-ball with the guys, but it was raining, so neh.
I... don't really have much to say about today. Was a pretty average day. New physics guy had us do an experiment with... I don't even remember. But it was an utter failure, so he took this big piece of construction paper, wrapped it into a cone, put it on his head and sat in the corner.
He's a pretty decent guy, actually. Turns out he actually moonlights as a comedian, which is fucking strange, I mean... like, what, you're a high school teacher, and then you go to comedy clubs after work-slash-school? I asked him about that, and he says you need a sense of humor in his field.
Dad's working late today, and he had some issues with his router, so Mom headed over there. I mean, she made dinner for me first, of course, but she just texted me... probably gonna be a while before they get back. Like, ten or something. So, I'm on my own again.
...
You know, I had a really weird dream last night. Just remembered it now. I've never had a dream like it before, and it's... I don't like it. I mean, violent dreams, I don't care about--had 'em all the time in freshman and sophomore years--but it's generally about just kicking down a door and firing a machinegun and screaming. I generally don't imagine faces, or feelings, or anything. But this time...
I guess I'll start at the top, or at least the top as best as I can remember it.
So, it pretty much started out normally. Was like... I was back in February, back when Aleksandra and I were friends. It was actually like that one time that we were at her place and she took her shirt off for me... I think that was like the ninth or something. I dunno. Maybe someday I'll go back and read and know for sure, but I doubt it.
Anyway, the dream was pretty much... she took her shirt off, and then her pants, and then I... well, I threw her down and raped her.
That's pretty much how the dream went. I've never had a dream like that before. I have dreams about doing messed up things all the time--well, I used to, but now I don't as much--but they were never really that personal. Generally, I'd just do fucked up things to screaming silhouettes... like things that were basically cardboard cutouts, not actually real people.
This time, I was looking right at Aleksandra as I was doing it. And what was really messed up was that she wasn't even like struggling, or anything. She was just looking to the side and crying a little bit, like she was disappointed in me, or what I had become.
...
You know, maybe everyone is right. My own Mom and Dad could barely look me in the eye after I took out that fucking mutt, and I think I get why now. It's not because I did it because I had to. To be honest, I enjoyed every fucking second of it, and when I was finished, I... felt like I was at the top of the fucking world. Killing that fucking dog gave me a better feeling than anything else I've ever done in my life. It was better than going to Krebs, or riding my bike or in my car, or playing basketball, or running, or learning physics, or practicing MMA. It made me feel... so fucking calm, and cool, like I was a walking God or something.
I know it probably sounds cheesy, but that's just how it is. When I was finished with that fucking dog, I bet I had that steely look in my eye, the one that I know I get when I get ready to really fuck things up. Like, there's a video from back when I was like three or four, just a little guy. I was playing around with some Legos or something, and I got pissed off so I smashed everything I'd built. Then I took a fork, looked at Dad, who was filming, and... even though it's me, and I was like four, when I watched that video I got the chills. You could tell that if Mom and Dad weren't there to calm me down, I could have done anything right then.
Four years old. I swear to God, if it wasn't for Mom and Dad, I could have become a mass murderer at four years old.
...
Back in '07, the day after Virginia Tech got shot up by that one Korean guy, my English teacher said that she heard about that shit and thought about me. I just looked at her, said thanks, and walked to the office and told the principal--whose name I can't remember for the life of me ever--what happened.
She got in trouble or something and I got switched to another class. It pissed me off a lot at the time, and now I think I know why. It's not like... like if someone calls you an idiot, you can just respond by saying, "Fuck you, too," or fighting them if they come at you or whatever. But if someone says something that actually makes sense, you can't just insult them back or fight them, because they're right.
I dunno. I read a lot about Cho as everything about him started to come out, and... that guy was fucking nuts, obviously, but... I can't pretend that there aren't similarities between me and him.
Maybe I should just fucking accept that I'll never be normal. I mean--I already pretty much know that I'm never going to be normal, or have real friends or a girlfriend, except for one named Jelly who flies in a rocketship or whatever. But maybe I should accept that I don't really know what's right and wrong, and that the only things really holding me back from just fucking going crazy are my parents.
Meh. April 6th, 2009. The day I accepted that I'm a sociopath.
I'm gonna sneak out later tonight. At like 2am or something. Just gonna walk around and stuff. Mom and Dad are gonna flip if they find out, but they probably won't, and even if they do, I doubt I'll seriously give a fuck. After all, I'm a sociopath. I don't give a good fuck.
4/07/09
Didn't play basketball today. Just couldn't be bothered. Just... went to school, same as fucking usual, came home, hit Johnston's, ran around until I was exhausted and then I walked home.
I guess the most interesting thing that's happened since yesterday's logs is when I went out last night. And it wasn't that interesting. I mean, I just walked around Fox Chase and that was about it.
Stood in front of Aleksandra's house for a while. Stared at her window. For a while, I was seriously tempted to just storm up to her house, kick down the door, go up to her and just... I dunno. Yell at her, or something. Yeah, right...
I'm seeing less and less of her in school. At Rob Lee, most teachers aren't too anal about making us keep the same seats day in and day out, and let's say that Aleksandra's... well, she was always more popular than me, but these days I'm not only not in her league, we're in whole different sports. She sits in one part of the classroom with her fucking friends, and I have the tenuous honor of being the king of freaks.
I'm pretty sure I hate her these days. I mean, if it wasn't for her, I'd probably be a lot more okay than I am now. On the other hand, I'd kill just to have her look at me for a few minutes, or say hello, or just go on a walk with me and not say a word.
I really don't know what to think, let alone do about it. I've never had to deal with anything like this before, and I don't know how to figure it out. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so... I mean, I can't talk to my parents about it. I know better than that. I used to try to talk to them about my dreams and stuff when I was really young, but they just got scared and told me that things would get better, so I just stopped talking about it and let them think that I was okay. And I don't really have any friends, or siblings, or anything else, so... yeah.
Anyway, right now, I'm just eating dinner in my room and watching some stupid shit on Youtube so that it's not silent and lifeless in here.
I guess I'll go shooting in a few. Gotta practice, you know. Just like Cho did.
...
I... guess I will start from the top. Gonna be hard. I think I'm still hopped up on adrenaline, because my hands are a little shaky, but I also feel like I fucking own the world. Like I did when I killed that fucking mutt that belonged to the Gislers.
Kind of weird, actually, that that was the Gislers' dog. I mean, these fuckers are wearing collars with the name... damn, this is some kind of a fucked up mystery...
So I basically was gonna go shooting. Thought about heading where I did on Sunday, but I thought and said nah, fuck it, I'm gonna head somewhere else.
So I drove for a while, past New Amsterdam. Went right to the border of Rob Lee and Xavier territory, heh. Like, you live a mile in one direction, your kid goes to Rob Lee, or if you live a mile in the other direction, your kid goes to Xavier's.
It's pretty much as close as you'll get to Redneckville around here. People out there by Xavier's aren't poor, exactly, but you can tell that they're... corn fed, let's say. Tons of cowboy hats, shotguns, moonshine jugs, not too many teeth...
Heh. Jeez, I wonder if all sociopaths laugh about dumb shit the way I do. Or maybe their escape is to just sit home and watch porn until they can't get off on anything but shit with goats.
And who the fuck likes goats? I know I don't. I mean, what, "Damn, that chick's got a Hell of a badonka-horn!"? Come on, man. I don't even like porn or sex. Don't know why some people do... but whatever. Live and let live, right?
So I was near Xavier territory. Stopped my bike, put it at the side of the road, and headed up to that old barn; you know, the one that looks like it should have collapsed a hundred years ago. I had my rifle out, but I wasn't exactly walking around ready to spray... was just kind of holding it in my hands, safety on and all, looking for a place to shoot.
And I was on public land and all. At least, I think. I mean, even if I wasn't, it doesn't matter. There weren't any houses for like miles, and we have a sort of allemansrätten thing around here anyway. You can pretty much go wherever and do whatever you want as long as you're not bothering other people.
But why would I care about bothering other people? I'm a sociopathic motherfucker. And what I did not five minutes ago proves it. The blood is still fucking warm, and if I wasn't somewhat germophobic, I'd be drinking it right now.
Anyway, I guess what happened really wasn't that complicated. I was walking toward the barn when three dogs came out and started barking at me.
It wasn't a friendly yipping or whatever. I know I'm a tiger, but I think I can tell when a dog wants to be petted and when it's saying that it wants to rip out a piece of your ass in canine. And these fucking things wanted a piece of my ass bad.
Tried to yell at them. They kept coming. They started off like twenty feet away, barking at me, but then they got closer and closer, and then they started to circle me, and I knew I had to do something before I got taken from the back.
So I shot one dog. Right in the head--probably right through the brain. It went down and I shot the next one... like three times in the chest. So, that was two down, but the other one was coming at me kind of from the side and the back, so I... fucking stepped forward, planted my foot, and kicked out with my other foot. And this wasn't sparring, so I didn't use the ball of my foot for safety--I got that motherfucker in the jaws with my heel.
Damn thing went down, bleeding from the mouth. Probably knocked out half the teeth with that kick. But it was still coming at me... or maybe it wasn't. I dunno.
Doesn't matter. Put that thing down with every round I had left in my magazine.
Stared at the bodies for a minute... I think I was paranoid, like I was thinking that they were gonna get up and come at me again. I mean--hey, you can't blame me, right, I'm not used to this shit and I think anyone who got attacked by three vicious... fuck, why is it that I can tell you what the capital of Zaire is but I hardly know that a Chihuahua is bigger than a great Dane? ...Wait. That's backwards, right? Fuck, I dunno! Heh.
But yeah, I'm not fucking used to these... high stress situations yet. But I think I did a little better than I did when I was with Aleksandra. Back then, it took me a while to think straight, but this time, it was all of like two seconds before I realized that I was in a fucked up situation. So, I reloaded as quick as I could and looked around... but that was that. Nothing else happened.
Dunno what I was expecting. But anyway--hey.
There's a truck coming. Big pickup. Red. License plate... fuck, it's too far away, but I'm not fucking waiting for it to get close enough for me to read it. I'm getting the fuck out of here. Why the fuck am I writing--
...
You know, it just occurred to me that there would have been pretty much no point in writing down David's license plate number. I mean, if he'd have seen me and killed me or whatever, I'm pretty sure even he's not so stupid that he wouldn't like burn my diary--fuck, I mean my logs--and there is a difference, because only fags keep diaries.
I guess I was still paranoid at the time. Which sucks, because I was ready to try out for the Navy SEALs... after combat experience totaling to all of like four minutes in my life, heh.
Anyway, I saw David's pickup truck coming down the road. At the time, I didn't know it was his, but I just got this feeling, so I got on my bike and just drove the fuck away.
I don't know how he didn't see me. Maybe it's because he was with that one slut who used to yell "Hey Tigger!" at me every fuckin' day in middle school... I dunno.
So, I drove like... maybe five hundred yards away and got off my bike. Left the thing running, and it's kind of quiet, so I wasn't worried about him hearing it. Just turned around the bend, so he couldn't see me through the tree cover unless he really looked for me.
I'd kind of just thrown my rifle over my back, and I couldn't see what was going on too well, so I took my rifle out and sort of scoped in... all quiet, like I was a totally badass sniper or something.
So David got out of the pickup with his girl. He walked toward the barn for a minute, whistling or something, just striding through that knee-high grass that grows around here, and then he must have found the dogs, because he just stopped dead in his tracks.
I guess they were his dogs. I mean, their collars did have "Gisler" on them, and he was looking for them, so, yeah. Wonder what the fuck--why the fuck did he keep dogs in that barn, of all the random places?
Anyway, yeah, David was pissed off. Like, really pissed off. I know for a fact that when I'm pissed off I can be pretty scary, but David is... almost as bad. And he is a pretty big kid; gotta be three, maybe four hundred pounds, and he's taller than me.
I guess when he gave... Courtney, I think her name is? Brittany, maybe? Anyway, when he nailed her across the jaw, she went down pretty hard. She'd just asked him what was wrong or something, and for no fucking reason, pow, he just gives her one across the mouth.
I actually got pretty close to killing that motherfucker. You don't point a gun at anything you don't want to kill--well, I had my rifle leveled right at him, and when he got Cour-Brittany or whatever like that, I put my finger on the trigger.
Realized that I was way too far away. Thought about marching back over there and just executing him like I executed that last dog after I kicked it.
But then I just put my rifle away and drove over here... to Margarita's.
I've never actually been to Margarita's before. It's like where everyone from Xavier's goes after school to get frozen custard. Tons of kids from Rob Lee go here, too, especially after like football games or whatever, or on Friday, and I can see why.
I got a little, just a basic cup of vanilla custard, and this stuff is pretty good. Service with a smile, too. I mean, they don't discriminate here--the lady in the pickup window, who I think is the owner, because everyone calls her Margarita, gave me a smile and called me a sweety, so... yeah.
Kind of weird what little things like that will do for you. I mean, no wonder that this joint is so popular, right? Great custard, great people.
No wonder I'm so unpopular, right? I have nothing to offer anyone, and I'm a jackass sociopathic jerk to boot.
Fuck. I was happy like ten seconds ago, but now... I dunno. I'm sitting here at this one bench, all by myself, and... it's really nice right now. Gotta be like forty degrees out, perfect trenchcoat weather, and it rained earlier today, so there's that nice, earthy smell in the air. The area next to Margarita's, which is actually basically just a trailer they converted for use as a custard joint, is just a bunch of mulch with benches where customers sit and eat and hang out.
There's some music being played right now... wish I could tell you what it is. It's kind of nice--pretty poppy, but I dunno. Don't listen to popular music much, so I dunno. Marilyn Manson forever, right?
I guess there was something going on today. There's a ton of kids from Rob Lee here... couple guys from Xavier's too. And even though we kind of have a friendly rivalry going on because we're sister schools, everyone's pretty much hanging out together and chilling and talking and eating custard.
I actually know most of the Rob Lee guys. Like... pretty much all of them, and most of the girls, too. And I recognize a couple of the guys from Xaiver's, from when I went to that football game against them with Chris and Matt.
All these different people, guys, girls, all species, all races, all nationalities, all... fuckin' socio-economic backgrounds, religions, whatever, they're all hanging out and having fun right fucking in front of me like I'm not even alive, and I know at least some of them know me. It's like there's a fucking one-way mirror in front of me that they can't see through and that I can't break, and I swear to God the more I look at them just... talking and laughing and knowing that life is worth living, the more I feel my soul dying.
Aleksandra's there. She's right there, not thirty feet from me, and I know she sees me because I'm looking into her eyes right--nah, she looked away. She's too busy with her new friends... guess I can't blame her for that. I wouldn't want to hang out with a son-of-a-bitch like me if I could avoid it. And Aleksandra's pretty much got everything going on for her... she's smart, good looking, polite, so there's no reason why she'd waste time even saying two words to me.
But you know, if I was over there hanging out with them, and there was someone else I knew sitting here all by himself, I'd like to think that I'd have it in me to come over and say, "Hey, why don't you come hang out with us?" and actually mean it.
Maybe life is really different if you're a normal person. I dunno, though. And I guess I never will.
4/08/09
Played some basketball today. After Johnston's. Was gonna run after that, but I was pretty beat, so I just called it a day and went home.
Mom made Chinese food today. It actually came out really--not good, because Mom's cooking is always good--but this time, it actually tasted like Chinese food. Usually when Mom makes Chinese or Mexican or whatever, it's pretty much what we normally eat plus like one extra spice or something.
This time it was pretty authentic, though. At least I think it was. The stuff you get from take-out joints is authentic, right? I dunno. Maybe I should get a Chinese friend someday... maybe I should get a friend someday.
Maybe I will. At least I'll try sometime. We all got to have a pie in the sky, right?
I haven't actually shaved in a couple days. Not that it really makes much of a difference. I don't exactly have a patchy beard, it just grows really slowly. Last year I grew it out for like a month and then I shaved it off, but even I could barely tell the difference when I was looking for it in the mirror.
Huge ruff, teeny beard. The curse of the Russian tiger, heh...
So I kind of styled my beard a little. Just gave myself a sort of a... thin chinstrap. No 'stache, though. Don't want to look like an Indian guy, heh.
Anyway, I... decided that I'm not gonna graduate. Not gonna go to college, or have a job, or a family, or retire and play golf and drink daiquiris on the beach. I'm not even gonna drop out of school. I'm gonna commit suicide pretty soon.
It came to me when I was heading home after school. I had just... sort of got on my bike and was gonna put on my helmet, when I paused, and just sort of looked around.
I wish I was more poetic. I'm really having a hard time describing how fucking perfect everything out there was. It's like when I had just got my bike and I was at the side of the road in that desolate place, with nothing and no one around.
There were so many people--kids, basically, just like me, all just hanging out and talking and heading home. Wasn't an unhappy face out there. Even the Gothic kids, who used to try to hang out with me until they got too scared and shit, weren't playing any of that "I'm so depressed and different" bullshit. They were all just hanging out with fuckin' anyone. Jocks, nerds, foreigners, Goths, hicks, pretty much every sort of weirdo you get in high school, all hanging out and heading home.
I just watched for a minute. Didn't look at anything in particular. Just the scene in general. I've never felt so different in my life. I just... it felt like an out of body experience, because I felt completely removed from being alive. It's like someone sucked me out of my body with a straw and I just have to kind of wander around until I die.
I could do that. I really could. Could go to Johnston's, run, play basketball, and go motorcycle riding every day until I die. I could get a great job as fucking anything--maybe even be the CEO of a dozen different companies at the same time if I really tried for it. But no matter what, I am never, ever going to change. Winter, spring, summer, fall; '09, '10, '11, '12, all the way to whenever I die, nothing is going to change. I'm just going to fucking linger around until something comes to take me away.
Thought about letting that happen. I might get lucky and go like Takahashi did... quietly, and in his sleep. I doubt it, though. I'll probably get myself shot or tortured to death one of these days, and I'll probably deserve it.
I guess I could just work and give money to charity except for what it takes me to get boozed up enough to just forget everything when I'm at home over the nights or weekends. I could do that. But I just can't stand the idea. I can see myself in an apartment just getting older, and older, and older, and older, calling Mom and Dad once a month just because, and eventually just dying and decaying and only getting noticed when my neighbors smell it.
That's why I decided to commit suicide. It's pretty much the only choice I have. If I stay alive, there is a chance I might do some good for the world, but odds gotta be ten to one that I do something bad instead.
I guess I'm glad I have a gun. Otherwise, I'd have to hang myself or OD on drugs or something, and I couldn't let Mom and Dad find me like that. Couldn't do that to them.
So... next Monday is the tenth year anniversary of Columbine. I think I'm probably going to take my rifle to school... like hide it under my coat or something, and shoot myself.
Don't plan to write a suicide note or anything like that. Don't think there's much to write... wouldn't know what to say, and this isn't the kind of thing you can look up online, I hope.
I have to get pretty busy over these next couple days. I'm gonna enjoy myself as much as I can--gonna have as many experiences as I can because soon, I'm going to be a corpse in the ground.
Thank God for Mom and Dad, though. If it wasn't for them, I'd kill myself here and now.
4/09/09
Didn't go to Johnston's today. Just went home right after school and spent a lot of time playing basketball with the guys... like a lot of time. Until it was time to dinner.
Was going to head home. But I got an idea instead.
Ended up taking the guys out to Friday's. Paid for everything, too. Heh, I actually felt the big cheese, you know, because I could tell they were all looking up to me. I mean, I didn't brag, but when they asked me where I got the cash to do stuff like this, I told them that I got a lot of money from fixing up and selling my car, and trading stocks online and stuff.
Was actually kind of a nice thing to do. We had a pretty good time... interesting conversations and stuff. Ended up spending a good... two, almost three hours there, actually.
I wasted a wad of cash. But I'm not gonna miss it. And I'll make it back pretty soon, thanks to Apple. I swear that company's going places, man.
I guess it wasn't a waste of money, though. I mean, I spent money but... I got a lot of satisfaction out of it. Sure, I get satisfaction out of riding my bike and stuff, but this was... it really was different. It's hard to believe, but I guess I am more than a walking sack of meat with a little eau de sociopath sprinkled on it. I actually do like people.
Which is why I've gotta go, soon. I'm... I can feel myself going insane. It started just over a month ago, but every day, it gets worse. It's getting harder and harder to not cut myself or shoot myself or swig a bottle of alcohol and jump into the highway. And every time I close my eyes for ten minutes, I can see myself murdering just... not even assholes like David or whatever. Just random people who I barely know and don't have a problem with.
At night I dream about killing Aleksandra, and Takahashi, and Mom and Dad. I don't write about it here, because I don't want to think about it or remember it ever. When I wake up, I slap myself or hit myself until I can focus on the pain and stop myself from dreaming more.
Sometimes it works. Usually doesn't.
It's kind of late now, but not really, but I don't think Mom or Dad would be too happy if I went out for a walk or a ride. I know that I shouldn't give a fuck what they think, but I'm only going to live for a few more days, so I might as well keep them happy while I can.
4/10/09
Tried to be a little happy in school. Didn't really work. But I made it a point to raise my hand at least once in each class. When I did that, everyone was shocked, like... "What, that kid's still alive?"
But yeah, I said at least a couple words in each class. In Calc I asked about this one problem that confused a lot of people, Schreiner said it was gonna be on the AP tests, and pretty much everyone looked pretty well afraid, so she went to do something like it on the board.
The way she did it made sense I guess, but I asked her this and that, and the next thing I knew, she had me at the board to explain what I meant.
Ended up doing her problem a different way. A lot shorter. A lot easier too, algebraically. I finished, and looked back, and everyone was staring at me.
Started to get kind of pissed off... nah, not pissed off. I actually got a little sad. It was fuckin' embarrassing; I mean, I was just doing what I could to explain myself, and they stared at me like I'm a freak or something.
So I just looked away, put the marker back on the ledge in front of the board, and sat back down. Didn't say another word all class.
When I was going, Browns stopped me. He said everyone was staring at me because the way I did that problem made perfect sense and was easy, so they were all looking at me like I was a genius--his words, not mine.
At the time, I didn't want to listen to him. Just kind of shrugged and walked away.
I texted him a couple hours ago to say sorry for being a dick. He said it was okay.
I guess I was a dick. But couldn't someone have done something to make me feel less alone? I know I am alone, but just from time to time, it would be great if someone could look at me without cowering or snickering or something. And the guys kind of treat me okay when I'm playing basketball, but when I'm in school, it's like someone threw a fucking switch. Can barely get them to say two words to me at the best of times.
And what about Aleksandra? Calc is one of the few classes where she hasn't moved too far from me. She's not sitting next to me anymore--she sits behind me.
I hate people touching me. I really do. But I swear to God, when I was sitting in that classroom after going through that shit, I wanted her to just reach out and put her hand on my shoulder and tell me that it was alright. If she'd have done that, I...
I dunno. I was gonna say I could die I happy man, but I dunno. I don't think there's anything that could make me really happy at this point.
...
Heh. Thinking about Calc and that girl I used to hang out with actually made me so sad that I forgot that today was a pretty good day, overall. Last time I went to a football game I went with Chris and Matt. Browns was there too with Ms. Texas, and Dan and Fred were probably there too. Football is like the center of Rob Lee, after all.
This time I went to a game with Mom and Dad. First time I ever have. First time Dad's actually sat through a whole game. Mom's a little more American than he is, kind of, so she went to a few football games in like college and stuff. Dad said that he tried to watch football when he came here to get more Americanized... and then he gave up.
He still doesn't understand the damn sport. I had to explain to him what was going on, and he still cheered when the other team got a touchdown right after half-time.
Had a couple of angry Rob Lee kids and parents around there. Then Dad said he was sorry, and when everyone heard him say it like the way he does... "I am sworryi!" with his accent, they got that he didn't quite get the sport yet and just laughed it off. Was probably because even after that touchdown, we were up by six points.
There was a timeout after that. I asked Dad why he sometimes has a thicker accent than when he's like dealing with clients and stuff--in Russian so that no one else would get it--and he said that it's sometimes best to seem like an American and it's sometimes best to seem like a foreigner. He was hamming up his accent so that it was clear that he didn't get the game yet.
I should try hamming up the old accent sometime. Dunno when I'd get a chance to, though, and even if I did get a chance, it probably wouldn't occur to me until after the fact. When I talk, I just talk--I used to get in trouble for that a lot when I was younger, but I guess I've sort of developed a filter over the years. Now, I don't say every fucking thing that comes to mind. Just most of it.
Probably wouldn't work anyway. Whenever I try to imitate Dad's accent, it sounds really contrived and fake. Which is weird, especially since I apparently speak Russian with a neutral accent. Dad once said that I could blend right in in Moscow if I dressed to fit in, so I asked him where I could get a commie suit like the one Kim Jong Il wears. He had a good laugh at that.
Anyway, we had a pretty good time at the game. I kind of didn't give Mom any warning when I came home... I just said, hey, can we go to the football game, she called Dad and he said he was up for it, and she didn't really have time to make anything to eat, so we just picked up some sandwiches from Quiznos and ate them at the game.
Typical Quiznos, run by Indians, heh. The guy who served us was a kid about my age... maybe 18, 19 years old, who was working there with his parents. All of 'em were tigers. Was actually really nice and different to have two different tiger families in the same place at the same time in this whitebread fucking town, even though one of them was Indian.
Not that I'm racist or anything or against owning sandwich joints--I'm just saying, it's typical. I support franchises 100%... that's how Granddad made money for him and Mom and her little bro. He was a manager for like McDonald's and a couple other places... basically, every time someone in the area wanted to open a new fast food place, or wanted their place to do better, he'd get a position there for a few years and free reign to do whatever to run the place properly.
That's why he got paid pretty well and didn't have to move anywhere. He never quite had the money to buy his own place until he was older, but then Dad needed money to open up his practice, so Granddad lent it. He got it all back pronto, though--like within two years--but then his health started to go downhill. He was going to open up a Mickey D's, but he got really sick and it just didn't work out.
Mom tried to convince him to move in with us for half a year. We had money and it's a pretty good area around here for an old guy if he's Russian enough for the winters. She drove over to see him like every weekend, took me and Dad along half the time, but Granddad just never wanted to come.
He ended up dying all by himself. Had a stroke. Mom tried to call him one day, he didn't pick up, so she called later, but he still didn't pick up. She called a few more times and then she drove over all by herself. Dad wanted to come, but... fucking spoiled brat that I was, I wanted to stay at home because I hated driving for a long time. So me and Dad stayed at home and watched The Lion King.
I still remember what happened. Mufasa died, Dad sort of... shivered and turned away and said he was going to get a drink of water. Not five minutes later, Mom calls, and... that's that. Granddad's dead, and Mom had to find that out all by herself. We drove over there to see her and she tried to hug me and I just squirmed away, got back in the car, and let her cry by herself until Dad came out and hugged her.
I dunno why I'm just writing all this bullshit in my logs these days. I guess it's because it has to be written, right, or all this information will just vanish. Mom and Dad don't keep logs, and I'm their only kid. I'm gonna kill myself, and eventually they'll die, and I don't want the whole story of our family to just vanish forever. I feel like if these logs survive--and they will, I'll make sure of it--at least something of who we were will be left.
...
I really love my parents. I'm not ashamed to acknowledge it. I wish I could tell them.
4/11/09
I pretty much spent the whole day with Mom and Dad. I woke up, made breakfast for them before they came down, and badgered Dad until he took the day off. He usually goes to work for a few hours Saturday and then comes home to relax... might spend the afternoon with me when I want to, and then he and Mom will usually do something together. I guess they are really close... wish I could have something like that. But I never will, so... whatever.
So I took Mom and Dad around on my motorbike. Dad didn't have the guts to drive more than like half a mile, but Mom did... and she actually really liked it. She got all the way up to seventy miles per hour before she slowed down and said that she had to get one of these things for herself.
Dad didn't really like driving a motorbike or even being on one while I drove. I asked him about it... he said, what's the point of having a vehicle if you can't sit down in peace instead of holding on for dear life the minute you hit forty? Because that's when the air resistance against you is really high and you have to lean down a lot or get blown off. He said bikes are fun, but he'll stick to his Beemer.
He's got a point. I dunno, though. I like it, and Mom likes it. She had me drive her around for like two hours at all speeds. She didn't complain once; just sat there and held on tight.
Maybe she just liked holding me. I hate being hugged--I tried really hard to change that earlier today but I just couldn't--but when I was on the bike and driving, it just didn't occur to me, so... I dunno. I really don't know. I don't understand myself... doubt anyone does.
We went out to lunch at IHOP. Didn't really know what to do next... then Mom suggested going past Krebs to that one ski resort we've always wanted to go to but never have... until today. Doesn't matter that it's the middle of April--there's always snow up there.
So, we went home and packed up some stuff. Which was really weird--I mean, we don't travel or take vacations. We just don't. Living here's like a vacation, I mean, the weather's pretty nice usually and there's plenty of space and stuff to do, so why do we need to go to some... fucking sunny damn place?
So we drove up to the ski resort and just spent the rest of the day skiing. It was really nice--the place was pretty much deserted. No one was there except for a few locals... no tourists or anything.
One of the guys who worked there got a good deal on a house from Dad a while ago, so he upgraded our room for tonight to this "executive suite" or something for free. It's really nice... we get a huge living room and a big damn bedroom. I got the couch for the night, but I don't give a damn. There's a huge roaring fire like ten feet from me and half the room's got floor to ceiling windows that let me look over the slopes at night. It's great.
Mom and Dad are together now. They're probably cuddling like they always do when I'm not around. They try to tone down the lovey-dovey stuff when I'm around, but you can just see it in the way they look at each other. Having grown up with them, I can't wrap my head around the concept of divorce, heh. You can tell that they're made for each other.
I wonder if, like when they first met, did they know right away, or did it take time for... for their love to flourish, heh. Or, as another possibility, maybe one or both of them knew right away, but they just didn't say it out loud or admit it to themselves for a while.
I dunno.
I remember when Aleksandra walked into the classroom the first time. I was the first guy in class... in English. I remember it perfectly, even now. It was January 12th. I was just sitting there, and she walked in and I kind of glanced at her. Didn't think much of her at the time... just another face in the crowds, right?
She looked at me, though. She walked across the front of the class and looked at me and I looked back for a second... just watching her walk there with her blond hair just trailing behind her, carrying her books, nervous as anything. And then, of all places, she sits right next to me.
I looked away by that point. Like, turned my head away so that I couldn't see her. But--and I don't know how I know this, but I do--I swear she was trying to talk to me like ten times before everyone else came in and sat down.
I wonder what would have happened if I'd looked at her. Or if I'd have said hello. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone so fucking overboard on that dog, or if it hadn't come at us at all.
I wonder what would have happened if Granddad moved in with us. He was so... he had this way of talking to me. I trusted him like I don't trust my own mother; he was the one person who'd hug me and I'd actually hug him back. I wonder what would have happened if Takahashi had lived just a little longer, or if...
I dunno. I don't know what the point of what-iffing all this is. I'm gonna be dead in ten days and nothing I did or might have done will ever matter to anyone anywhere, least of all Aleksandra, no matter what the fuck happened when I looked at her for the first time.
4/12/09
We pretty much skied all day. Got up, ate breakfast, went skiing, ate lunch, went skiing, ate dinner, and went home.
I'm not actually very good at skiing. Like... if I went down one of the slopes with those fucking mounds, what are they called... Mongols? Mughals? I dunno. But if I went down one of those slopes, I'd probably like die.
Dad can take those slopes, though. Mom can too. And they did a few times. They went down one or two black diamond slopes and came back in one piece.
But mostly, the three of us pretty much stayed together. Great times, man... if I could live a little longer, I'd like to go skiing again. Maybe I could get better... maybe even if I didn't, Mom and Dad would still go with me sometimes.
Oh, well. I told myself that I was gonna die on April 20th, and I'm going to, unless... there's a fucking miracle, or a signal from God or whatever that I should stay alive for a particular point or reason.
Like that's gonna happen. Heh...
I'm pretty worn out from all the skiing. It's not stopping me, though. I went out for a run just now... even though it's a little chilly out and it was raining. Went on my normal route... a grand tour of Fox Chase, from my place to where Chris, Matt, Brown, Dan and Fred live and back.
When I came back, I saw Aleksandra's dad pull in. Poor guy looked pretty worn out. But he saw me, and he recognized me and gave me a smile and asked me how I was doing. I said I was fine, and then we talked for a little bit on his driveway.
He mentioned that his car was giving him some problems. I offered to take a look at it tomorrow. He said that would be great... told me that I was one of the good guys. Just like that, pretty much. I mean, we were talking in Russian mostly, some Ukrainian, but he switched to English to say that I was one of the good guys.
He sounded like he really meant it. Or like he really wanted to mean it. Or maybe I'm just fucking cynical, I dunno.
I asked him how Aleksandra was. He said she was doing well, and... I wanted to ask him if she'd talked about me at all, or if... if she's doing as bad as I am these days. But I know--she doesn't think about me anymore, probably hasn't in three weeks. And she's doing great--she has friends, probably gone through a boyfriend or two by now, and she's happy. Meanwhile I'm stuck trying not to think about her when I'm awake and waking up from dreams of her just talking to me to realize that she's never going to talk to me again.
It's a big damn weakness to be this attached to one person. But there's nothing I can do about it. I don't mind if I don't know what she's up to or who she's with or when or where, but I can't stay alive without knowing that she thinks I'm one of the good guys. If there was something I could do to convince her that I'm not a psycho, then...
I dunno. I am a psycho, and I'd better get used to it. Not that it matters. Not gonna live much longer. I'm gonna go to sleep now, wake up, go to school, go home and when Aleksandra's dad gets back, I'm gonna fix his car. Then on next Monday, I'm going to walk into school and shoot myself.
Maybe I'll even take some people down with me. I don't know. I don't care, or I wish I don't care, or I wish that I did care about stuff like this. I don't know anything anymore except that I'm so fucking empty and numb and alone that there's nothing that will ever make a difference.
4/13/09
Went to school. Came home. Hit Johnston's. Was a pretty interesting lesson today... we did a lot of drills on bags and stuff. Mostly arm work. I'm getting pretty good with it... I can hit really fast and pretty hard at the same time if I push myself. Of course, Johnston can still put me down with one arm if he wants to, but... was gonna say that I'll get there eventually. But I guess I won't. I'll be dead long before I can become that great of a fighter, or that great of an... anything, really.
Went on a run when I got home. Took a shower, got out just when Aleksandra's dad was getting home. So I went out, said hello to him and had a look at his car.
Turns out his engine just needed some basic maintenance. I changed the oil, cleaned a ton of stuff out and tested it out for a while. I guess something must have gotten itself snarled up on one of the belts for a while... or maybe it was because the air intake valve had gotten clogged or something. I dunno. But when I was finished, the thing sounded fine and worked like a charm.
Aleksandra's dad came out and said thanks. I was just gonna go home but he asked me if I wanted to stay for dinner.
Thought about it for a minute. We were in the garage, and I was looking at him. He was in front of the door, and I could see that Aleksandra was there behind him, inside, just looking out. Couldn't see her that well, but... I think she was pretty scared. Like she thought I was gonna take the wrench I had and just beat him to death with it like that.
So I said no thanks and went home and washed my hands.
I'm exhausted. It's eight PM, but I'm in bed right now, just so damn tired. Of fucking everything.
4/14/09
The last Tuesday I'll be alive... and I wasted it.
I waste a lot of time. Always have, pretty much since seventh grade. Just... go to school, do my thing, come home, and sit on the internet and video games until it's time to go to sleep.
Today wasn't as bad as it could be, I guess. I went home and took a break from Johnston's... played basketball with the guys for a while. Went on a little walk and came home and ate dinner. Was gonna go upstairs to... practice Swedish or go on Youtube or read something or whatever, but I decided to just... hang out with Mom and Dad for a while instead. Seeing as how I don't have much time left with them and all.
They were both pretty surprised that I decided to stay downstairs. But they were happy about it... pretty happy. We didn't do much... just talked and drank some tea and watched National Geographic and hung out until it was time to go to sleep.
I wish I could have enjoyed it, I really do. I'm not going to have many more chances at being happy in my life. I only have a few days left, after all.
4/15/09
I didn't do much today. Not much to say. Went to school. Came home. Went to Johnston's. Came home. Played some basketball. Came home. Showered. Ate dinner. That's all.
I want to do something more. I really do. But I feel so... trapped. Helpless, like there's nothing I can do. Which makes sense, because there's nothing I can do to stop what's going to happen.
I dunno. I'm gonna go out riding in a few minutes for a while. Not that it'll keep me sane, but it'll keep me from going totally insane all of a sudden.
4/16/09
I was going to play basketball today, but I decided to go on a run instead. I had a shitty day at school... don't even know why. I just can't stand being in that fucking building any longer. I'm sick of it and everyone in it.
I was pretty quiet at Johnston's, too. He didn't say anything, but I could tell he was kind of looking at me. At the end of class he tried to take me aside, but I just said I had to go and pretty much left without another word.
After I'd come down from my shower, after running and everything, Mom sat me down. She attracted me with some cookies... the Mexican wedding cookies she learned to make from one of her friends in high school. So I sat down and just listened to what she had to say.
She pretty much told me like it is... said I've been acting really strangely lately. Like, one minute I'm all about hanging out and doing stuff, the next I'm sitting all by myself, completely quiet, with no light in my eyes. She said everyone goes through tough times in their lives and it's alright to feel bad, but she's worried that I'm taking it a bit too far.
I didn't really respond. So she just talked to me a while about what it was like to raise me. About... all the little cutesy things I've done over the years, or how I learned to read by myself, or how I memorized stories after hearing them like two times.
She got this close to making me tell her everything. This fuckin' close. But I'm a cold-hearted wretch... when she was finished I just thanked her for the cookies and got on my bike.
Right now... I really don't know where I am. It's ten PM, and Mom and Dad were calling me like crazy until I turned my phone off. I texted Mom--told her not to worry and that I'd be back in time to go to sleep.
That's not gonna do any good, though. Mom can't relax unless she knows I'm happy and safe. When I was younger and I used to stay up all Saturday night or whatever and play video games, she would come in at random times... like two, three, four in the morning and just sit down for a second, all bleary-eyed, and ask me if I wanted water or anything. And if I said yeah, she'd go down and get it.
I can't imagine what she's like now. She's probably... pacing, or just sitting next to the phone and trying to distract herself. Dad's probably trying to cool her down, but it's not working, and he's sort of worried, too. Dad knows me pretty well even though we don't spend that much time together. He knows I'm... sort of angry and unstable, just like he used to be, except I'm worse. A lot worse.
So... right now I'm not too far from Xavier's. I actually passed Xavier's, and that pick-your-own farm that employs so many kids from Xavier's. I've never really been here before... there's a ton of farms for like corn and stuff. Right now it's a little rainy, and kind of windy... really dark. There's going to be a storm pretty soon, but I don't mind. I love this kind of weather, always have. It's so beautiful and angry and dangerous, and when I'm in weather like this, I can focus on that and not on myself.
I pulled over at the side of this big field... don't think it's being used for much, so I'm going to go through it and just wander around in the woods past it until it's time to go home if something doesn't come to take me away first.
4/17/09
I stayed out until pretty late last night. Got home at like... almost midnight. Mom and Dad were both wide awake and worried sick when I got back. I could tell they like wanted to yell at me and just hug me at the same time, but on the other hand they could tell that something was up. Something bad.
I couldn't look either of them in the eye after I got home. I just... took off my coat, sat there at the island where I usually do, and... just fucking sat there, like I was a corpse, or a zombie. Mom tried to talk to me a few times, but I didn't hear her. When she tried to put her hand on mine I just moved it away and said that I was going to sleep.
Dad stopped me. I think he was... just on the verge of yelling at me, and he hasn't really yelled at me since Freshman year when I told that one teacher I was going to kill him. Last night, I think he got pretty close to just going fucking crazy on me, but he just... stopped himself and like demanded to know what was going on.
Lied. Told him that nothing was going on. He then named like everything in the fucking book... if I had too much homework, if I was getting bullied, or this, or that, or the other thing. I said no every fucking time; didn't even realize that he'd asked me if I was still thinking about Aleksandra until after the fact.
If I'd heard him ask me if I was still thinking about Aleksandra, I don't know what would have happened. I might have... just walked away, up to my room. I might have gotten back on my back and just driven until who knows what. Might have grabbed my rifle and shot myself through the head, or I might have... just flipped out and smashed my head through the nearest wall. I dunno.
I can't stop thinking about her. I know I've barely written about her in the past few weeks, but it's just because I'm trying to get her off my mind, and I can't. She was the one who took the fucking shell that I used to be and almost made me a person, and then just left for no good reason. Or maybe it was a good reason, but I dunno. I murdered that dog, but I'd never murder a person. I left it looking like it went through a wood chipper, but I'd never do that to a person, not like what happened to Walsh.
He's a new administrative guy, or... was, anyway. He wasn't in school today, and it was all over the news when I got home. He got killed, and not just killed--he got fucking destroyed. The cops aren't saying anything, but the person who found the body... actually, I know his kid. Patrick Chang... I've taken math classes with that kid for like the past five years. His dad found the body and took pictures for some fucking reason, and they got sent to MSNBC, and... they're bad. Like, real bad. The only way they know it was Walsh was because he had his wallet and driver's license on him.
It's fucking terrifying to think that that kind of thing can happen to someone, and no one even knows what happened. He was found way out there in Xavier's territory... he was coming to Rob Lee, his car had broken down or something, so he got out, and... whatever got him got him good. He didn't have a chance of fighting back.
Mr. Chang did an interview on the news a couple hours ago. Said he couldn't tell much because it was raining hard, so there were like no obvious signs as far as he could tell, but he thought he heard dogs barking and yelling just before the cops got there.
I dunno. But when I got home, Mom made me promise not to go over by Xavier's anymore.
I would, though. I would in a second. If Aleksandra told me to go there for any fucking reason, or no reason at all, I'd do it, just because it might make her smile at me one more time.
I got home a little late today. After class, instead of just rushing out, I spent a while walking around school. Rob Lee's a pretty big school, so it took a good half hour or forty five minutes. I dunno why, I just... I'm never going to spend a full day at Rob Lee again in my life, so, I figured it might be fun to just wander around for a while.
I guess I've made a lot of memories in that place. I was actually surprised by how nostalgic it was to walk around there. It's actually sort of fun... this past year and last year were kind of quiet, because back in freshman and sophomore years, there were a ton of kids from other middle schools who didn't know me growing up, so it sort of took a while for me to get my reputation. I got into a ton of fucking fights in those days, man... like at least one a month.
It was different back then, though. I didn't know how to fight, and whenever I fought anyone, there were a ton of people around. Not teachers, though, otherwise I'd have gotten sent to Bedford's long ago. But whenever I went too far, people would always hold me back before things got too bad, so... I think the worst thing that happened was back in like Freshman year, at the end of May, when a few guys on the football team thought it would be funny to trip me down a flight of stairs.
I really don't know how I was able to take them. I mean, I was just a shrimpy little freshman... not even six feet tall back then, I think. I think they just weren't ready for me to come at them like that, again and again and again. Sure, I took a couple of shots to the face and abdomen, but I did throw the one little guy down the stairs, so it was just two on one after that, and once I chucked the garbage can at the other guy and distracted him, it was easy to get the last guy in the balls and drop him.
It's actually kind of hard to believe that I haven't seriously hurt anyone, or that no one's seriously hurt me. Or that I've never gotten caught. I think it might be because if there's something really bad going on that people aren't sure how to deal with, they just sort of don't pay attention to it and hope it'll go away.
Well, I haven't gone away yet. I'm still here, for another... not even three days.
But Rob Lee isn't all bad. There were good times here, too, like... with Takahashi. I hung out in his room for a while, just looking at his posters and stuff and thinking about all the times we hung out after class. He was a really good guy, you know? Like the kind of guy who probably isn't your idol, because he wasn't a fucking pop star or whatever, but the kind of guy you always try to emulate. He was a nice guy, damn smart and pretty funny too.
And he told me some pretty personal stuff over the years, like about how it was in World War II, when he was a soldier. He managed to avoid fighting for most of the war because he was a smart guy and well born, so he didn't actually fire a gun until Okinawa, and he told me how bad that was... fucking hiding from air strikes, ambushing American soldiers, bonsai charges even when the odds were stacked against them ten to one.
The one thing that he said made him surrender was when he and his buddies went to a town and told everyone to commit suicide because US troops were getting close, and there was no way to defend the area. And everyone listened, too, no questions asked... the father of the household, if he was still around, would take out his samurai sword and just... start cutting, I guess. Of course, there were tons of homes without fathers, so the mother would have to kill her children first before killing herself.
Takahashi said sometimes his squad had to help them along. I asked him if he personally killed any Okinawans and he didn't answer.
But he gave up after that. He and his buddies got ambushed one night, most of them died immediately, a couple more blew themselves up or went for bonsai charges, but he and one other guy survived until one soldier shot him for fun.
Apparently the leader of the group saved Takahashi and captured him. The rest is pretty much history, I guess... he was held as a POW until the end of the war and found out that his sisters died in Nagasaki. He's pretty sure his brothers and father died at some other point in the war, but he couldn't find out for sure, and he has looked again and again, over the years, but... no luck.
My granddad fought in World War II, too. But he was just part of the Navy. He got sent to Berlin at the end, because he could speak Russian and all, but that's about it. No war stories from him except for loading shells into guns and firing, day in and day out.
Dad's dad fought in Afghanistan, I think. During the Soviet War. But we don't talk about him. I'm pretty sure he lived but just bailed or whatever, which is why Dad's mom remarried to that asshole of a guy who spent half his time drinking and the other half beating on Dad.
I kind of always wanted to be some kind of warrior. Of course, like every boy, I wanted to be a pilot when I was younger, but then I wanted to be a sniper, then a SEAL, and now here I am. I'll never be able to fight for anything or anyone--I won't even be a metaphorical warrior, like a warrior for peace or God or whatever. I'm just going to die and in fifty years, no one is going to know or care. I'll just be another prick who decided to bring a gun to school... at most, people will be grateful that I just killed myself.
...
Didn't go to Johnson's today. I just ran a long, long time, all the way out to Xavier's, promises to Mom be damned. There were tons of cops out there, even though I didn't go that close to where Walsh got massacred. Couple of them just slowed down and kind of looked at me, but I just smiled and waved and they'd kind of go, "Oh, he's just a kid," and smile and wave back and get going.
I eventually got to some place that I've been to once before. I don't even know if it's real. I think I might just have been... hallucinating or something. It was like that one time when I was on my bike and I found that... valley, sort of, that was all snowy and desolate. It was that same place now, except it wasn't snowing. But there still wasn't anything for miles in any direction.
I don't know how I got there or how I got back. But I think I was there for a while. I think I imagined Aleksandra sort of being there with me, or sort of not there... like she was there, but I couldn't see her or sense her or touch her or talk to her.
That bitch. I would die for her in a second, but she acts like she's dead to me know. She doesn't even look at me these days, but I'm pretty sure there's a lot that hasn't been said between us. She does have some kind of opinion about me, and I know she does, because she used to look at me and almost talk to me in school, and when I fixed her Dad's car, I swear to God she was standing there with 911 dialed into her phone.
Sometimes when I get to school early I see her with her volleyball friends heading to the gym. It used to be that girls were afraid of me in that giggly stupid sort of way, but right after I took apart that mutt, they were legit afraid of me. Like, they'll walk faster or try to dart into a hallway that goes away from me, or they'll kind of group up around each other and try to hurry away.
It's better now. But a few weeks ago, it was pretty bad. And I never even looked at them more than in passing. They were just terrified of me because of how far I went with one fucking mutt.
I guess that was my chance to be a warrior, in a way. That, and when I shot those three other dogs. All Gisler dogs... why do they have four vicious dogs?
I guess I should have called the cops after I killed those three dogs. Even more so after I saw David take out his girlfriend.
I dunno. Guess it just didn't occur to me. And it's too late now, so...
Well, it's sort of late now. Ten PM, and I'm just listening to some music and hanging out in my room. I guess I'll go to sleep pretty soon... and then try to enjoy the last weekend of my entire life.
...
Why do I have to die now? I'm not even twenty years old--not even nineteen, not even eighteen and a half. There's so much I haven't done. I haven't been to another country, or made a million dollars, or been in a plane, or gone to Hawaii, or Alaska, or fallen in love or anything.
If the Hindus are right, then I guess I'll be back for a round two pretty soon. If that's the case... well, I don't know how to pray, but I'm going to pray that in my next life, I'll get to be with Aleksandra, and stay with her. Not even as a boyfriend or whatever. If I could be her friend, or her brother or something... if I could do that, then... I think I might live the best life I could ever hope to, and be okay with being let go forever.
Heh, who am I kidding? Once I die, that'll be it. I won't be there or anything, it'll just be fucking done. Just a silent, cold black void with nothing left to do but go insane.
4/18/09
I did a lot of stuff today. Drove around on my bike, ate lunch out at this one diner... just got a sandwich and some fries and headed back out. I went to Johnston's and hung out with him for a while, just talking about stuff, and then I played a little bit of basketball but I was off my game, so I went home.
Wrote a letter to Aleksandra. Crumpled it up. Started to type out a text message to her, even though I deleted her contact from my phone weeks ago... I remember her number. But I deleted it.
I still don't understand why what I did was so bad. I guess I never will... and I'll never understand why she didn't try to reach out to me more after it happened. I mean, I reached out to her--at least I think I did, as best as I could. When we met, she was the one who started to talk to me, but after I killed that dog to save her, she barely spoke to me.
And she could have come over here any time, or called me over there. Or to somewhere more public, I wouldn't blame her for being a little wary of me. Even when I was sick--when I almost fucking died--she didn't do anything.
I dunno, man. I'm probably the least perfect person alive, but what she did was fucked up.
But I still wish she would talk to me. It's about 7:30 at night... she's probably awake now. Probably finished eating dinner. Her dad's home, so she's probably with him, or else she's... I dunno.
I guess I don't exactly know her very well. We haven't exactly spent much time together... which makes it even more weird that I can't get her off my mind. I mean, I'm not really a social butterfly, so... then again, maybe that's why I can't get her off my mind. She was the one who introduced me to things I'd never have known otherwise, and now I'm like in limbo. I can't go back to being who I was, but I can't go forward without her either, so... I don't know what to do.
We had some good times. Heh. I think we were pretty close. Friends, like. Maybe even more than friends. I remember... if I wanted to, I'd look back in these logs, back in February, when she told me to kiss her and touch her. I remember her saying that, and I remember exactly what I did. But if I looked back at my logs for that day, I think I'd just put my head through the wall, because what happened between me and her is never, ever going to happen again. Nothing in the world can replace it and now that I've lost it, I've lost it forever.
I guess it kind of makes me feel better that I don't think anyone is close to her like I used to be. I know she's been on a couple dates since we stopped hanging out, but I have never seen her... hold hands, or do more than hug, really.
A couple weeks ago, the guy she was dating at the time... can't remember his name. Jock type guy, I guess. I have him in a few classes. I think he tried to fuck with me back in middle school so I stole his books and threw them in the trash so that he had to pay for them or something. A couple weeks ago, though, he tried to kiss Aleksandra. On the lips, like. She turned away and just kind of let it go on her cheek and then she walked away from him.
I think they broke up after that pronto. Which is kind of weird, because the stereotype about Slavic girls, especially Ukrainians, is that they're, you know, easy. Aleksandra's not like that, though. I can't picture her drinking, or clubbing, or anything. Me... I guess I'm a stereotypical shady Russian guy in some ways, heh. But I can't stand booze. Mom and Dad barely drink every few weeks, and when I was like sixteen I was curious about alcohol, so Dad let me try a few sips over the weekend. Didn't like any of it except for vodka, and I could just stand that.
Heh. Maybe I should join the KGB. Better yet, I could join the CIA and the KGB and be a totally badass double agent. Maybe I could just play jokes on both agencies all day for fun. That would be a Hell of a life, eh? Heheh.
Ah, man. I wish I had someone to joke around with like this. Or just someone to talk to. I imagine conversations all the time these days, and I never used to do that. I used to be okay with playing videogames and basically wasting my life, but now it's different. I can't turn back but I don't know how to go forward, so it looks like the only path is to the... graveyard, I guess.
I wonder where I'll get buried. I'm not a religious guy... I'm not even sure that I believe in God, I mean. Actually, I'm pretty sure that I don't believe in God. But... I guess Mom and Dad are Russian Orthodox, and I guess I was sort of raised in that tradition, so maybe I'll be buried at a Russian Orthodox church somewhere.
I dunno if I'm okay with being buried. For most people, I guess it's okay, because then your relatives have something to visit and stuff. No one's going to want to visit me, though. Mom and Dad might for a while--Hell, they're such good people, they might do it forever, but then... nothing. Just nothing. I, or my body, will just be a waste of space, trapped in a coffin forever.
I'd rather be cremated and thrown into a nice place. Like off a mountain or something. Or into a lake. Just... any postcard place, actually. As long as it's cold, foresty, and dark, I'll be okay no matter what happens after this life, if anything.
I'd write a will and sign it and all that stuff, but I can't do it. Definitely not now. My hands are shaking so badly. It's Saturday night, the last Saturday of my life. I'm going to die so soon, and I'm so scared. I can imagine Mom crying over my dead body as Dad holds her, and they'll be the only ones there. Everyone else will just be like, "Good riddance," and they'll be right.
I wonder what Aleksandra's going to think about me after I'm gone. Sure, she'll probably be like, "Oh, it's a shame, but he was a weirdo, so, you know, whatever," just like everyone else, but deep down, I think she'll feel something different.
Or maybe I'm just doing some wishful thinking.
I don't fucking know. I'm eighteen years old and I'm going to die within a few days. Cut me some fucking slack.
4/19/09
I pretty much kept to myself all day. Went on a run and had breakfast by myself after waking up. Came down for lunch... Mom made some sandwiches before she and Dad went out for... I dunno. But I had those and came back up to my room.
Now that I think of it, I haven't done much all day. It's about 3 in the afternoon now, but... couldn't tell you what I've been doing since morning. I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking, but I don't know.
I guess I'm actually in a kind of rare place. I mean, how many people know for a fact that they're going to die tomorrow? It's actually kind of interesting. I don't... really know what to think about it, heh.
I kind of feel numb. I'm scared, but... I dunno. I've had my mind set on dying tomorrow for a while, so I can't turn back, but at the same time, there's always that instinct to preserve yourself, so... I don't want to die. I really don't. I wish there was some way I could avoid this, but no matter what...
I'm going to die sooner or later. And I think the more I put it off, the worse of a person I'm going to be when I finally kill myself. At least if I die now, I'll have a tiny bit of dignity left, I guess. I mean, I haven't done anything in my life, but I haven't done anything bad, either, and I haven't yet become completely pathetic. I think if I let myself live for a couple more years, I'd give up keeping fit and stuff. Would probably take up smoking and drinking and probably jack off like ten times a day, so... at least if I die tomorrow, I'll die with a little dignity.
I'm pretty surprised I haven't done anything like... bad yet. I know I've done bad things before, but I haven't killed anyone yet, so... and I know I can. I probably will if I don't die tomorrow. It might be a while, but I can definitely see myself becoming a serial killer or mass murderer if I don't fucking kill myself soon.
Not actually sure why I chose tomorrow, though. I guess it's because it's the tenth anniversary of Columbine and all, even though I'm not going to kill anyone.
Well... maybe just one or two other people. Maybe.
...
I can't believe I just wrote that. I've tried so fucking hard to keep that shit off my mind, but I guess it's just repression. I'm... really a sick, twisted motherfucker. I want to kill. I just... I want to do it, and I can't deny it anymore, not after writing that.
I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like killing myself right now with... fucking anything. Mom keeps aspirin in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom--I could OD on those and fucking tape my mouth shut. Or I could just cut my neck wide open or shoot myself through the head... and let Mom find me like that.
You know, I'm so worried about what might happen if Mom had to find me dead. It kind of makes sense, because she's more emotional than Dad--she's my mom, and a woman, after all. But... I wonder how Dad might react. I... think I've seen him cry maybe once in my life, when Granddad died.
For the most part, I guess Dad's pretty much a BAMF. I mean, just look at the man. He's about fifty years old, but ripped as Hell, and... he's got character, you know? Like, he's the kind of guy who would tear the head off a mugger or rapist or whatever, but on the other hand, there was one time when he found a bunch of kittens in his office after work. He stayed with them for a while... like, almost until midnight, but the mother cat didn't come back, he brought them home and we took care of them for a few days until we found homes for them all.
I was like seven at the time. I remember... I went to go and play with the little fuzzballs, but one of them upset me, so... well, I was going to punt it across the room, but Mom stopped me. Just in time.
I think that's why we didn't end up keeping a few. Hell, I'm probably the reason why we've never had any pets. I'm not like Dad--I don't have character, at all.
I guess I could keep writing about all the fucked up things about me for hours. Days, probably. But at this stage, it's really pointless. Anyone--whatever FBI, or Secret Service agent ends up reading this shit probably knows more than enough about me by now. I'm fucking sick... that's all there is to it.
...
I broke into Aleksandra's house.
Wasn't much to it. Today was a nice day, so she had a couple windows open. I just... climbed in through one of those and... that was that.
She was getting ready for her father to come home. She came downstairs like a minute after I got in and just started cooking. So, I... sort of snuck into the living room and just watched her.
She's a beautiful girl. She really is. I can't believe how lucky I was... how lucky I am to have known her. And I don't just mean that she looks good. She's... kind, and sweet, and gentle, but, heh, she carries a blade and she knows how to use it, and she could probably beat me on foot at any distance at all.
I guess it's kind of pathetic to commit suicide over a girl. Well, Aleksandra's a girl worth dying over, and I'm not just killing myself over her. I'm doing it because she opened the door to another kind of life for me, but I can't walk through it without her.
At one point, someone called Aleksandra. Dunno who, or why they didn't call her on her cell phone. I didn't listen to her conversation. Just her voice... I haven't heard it that much for so, so long. It was fucking beautiful.
Sounded like her conversation was going on for a while. So, I took a risk and went into the kitchen. She'd been cutting up an onion... she'd just taken off the stem, so it was there, with the knife, so I finished cutting it up for her. And I wish I could say I didn't, but... I really did think about going and stabbing her. I really, seriously did.
But I put the knife down and hid again before she came back. When she came back, she took her knife and she kind of paused, and looked at the onion, and... well, I didn't wait that long. I left the way I came in and headed right back home on the sidewalk. Didn't look back once, but I felt her eyes on me. She's a big cat, just like me, with a fuckin' powerful sense of smell that no deodorant on the market can fool. She... maybe she didn't know for a fact that I was there. But she guessed it, and I swear to God she was looking out her window, watching me march back home, not sure whether to call the cops or just shake her head, ignore it, and tell herself that there's no way I'd break into her house.
Heh.
I'd like to write a note or something to her before I do it. But... I wouldn't know where to begin. Or how to put it.
It's sort of late now. Mom and Dad got home and we ate dinner, and I went right back up to my room. I can't look them in the eye anymore. I'm just... way beyond that point.
I'm going to go for a walk soon. Just to enjoy the fresh late evening air for the last time in my life. Tomorrow, I'm... I'll go to school early, before classes start, and... I'll just see what happens.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know what's going to happen anymore.
4/20/09
Click here to view the transcripts attached to these logs.
4/21/09
4/22/09
4/23/09
4/24/09
4/25/09
Well, it's been a busy week, even though I've been in the hospital. I don't know why they're making me stay so long--Hell, I feel fine. I mean--well, I'm sleeping fourteen plus hours a day, and I'm still sort of covered in bandages, but... ah, I guess they have a point.
A lot of the other guys from Rob Lee have been sent home, but there are a lot of us still here. It was kind of boring at first, but starting on Wednesday, a lot of us students got together with the teachers here and we decided to just have a class, sort of, and just learn about stuff. It was kind of cool. Really informative, actually.
I guess... I am kind of popular around here. All of the hospital staff seem to know me, and plus, whenever I talk to anyone--literally, anyone, Rob Lee student or staff or hospital staff, they just start to beam, and... it's kind of scary, actually, but whatever. I have guys who barely said a word to me growing up just coming up to me to chat or whatever, and... it's kind of fun. I kind of like it, even though I'm probably not a very good conversation.
Ah, well. I haven't had any complaints.
And... Aleksandra's hanging out with me again. She got sent home from the hospital on Tuesday, before I got back from talking to the Sergeant, but she comes back and hangs out with me every day for... a good few hours. Sometimes we talk, or sometimes she brings books for us to read, or homework, but... it's like the one time in the whole day when I won't hang out with anyone else. When I'm with her, or Mom and Dad, that's like our time, and I just want it to be our time.
I guess it kind of sucks that I haven't been keeping logs of what's been happening day by day. I didn't get my book back until today. The Sarge needed it for a few days for some reason, but when he got it to me this morning, he was nice enough to attach the transcript of our conversation with a lot of stuff crossed out. Like Aleksandra's last name. Dunno why they'd need that edited out. I mean, I know Aleksandra's last name; it's...
Err... I guess her last name is like Browns' first name. It's a mystery, heh.
But, yeah. She hangs out with me a lot. It's kind of like old times, but now, we're just that much closer. I'm... really happy to hang out with her again. It's great. And this time, I know that she's not going anywhere, because I've grown up, and she knows me a lot better than she did before. So... we're not like attached by the hip, but... I always feel close to her, even when she's not around.
I guess one of the things I was worried about was Rob Lee. I mean... almost the whole building was burned down. About all that survived were the dedicated classrooms--not the homerooms--and the gym, and the new section. But I got a chance to deal with that yesterday.
Turns out I'd forgotten to donate Takahashi's money after all. So, I put it in a fund to rebuild Rob Lee, and a bunch of people from around here--and not just around here, from all over the world, put a ton of money in, too, and... we're going to rebuild Rob Lee. A whole wing is going to be named after Takahashi, and construction's starting today. It might be finished within a month, but until it is, we're going to take classes at Xavier's and in a bunch of trailers that are getting set up next to Margarita's.
It's kind of late now. Like... eleven at night. I really should be getting to sleep, but I just got my phone back, so I started to go through my emails, and...
I guess someone must have leaked my address. I've got like thousands of emails--tens of thousands of emails, and the Sarge was right. They're all thank you notes from all over the world. Even from places I've never heard of. I even have an email that's from the domain "whitehouse.gov", so... maybe I got an email from the President. That would be something, wouldn't it?
I just got a text from Aleksandra. It's nothing much--just "Good night, Alex". But it means a lot that she sent it. Even now, at eleven at night, she's thinking about me.
I'm gonna get out of the hospital tomorrow. I'm gonna find a way to surprise her. And since they'll have taken all the bandages and stuff off, I'll be able to hug her again at last.
4/26/09
It's great to be out of the hospital and back at home.
I kept busy all day. I got up, told the staff I wanted out. It took them a few hours, but they cleared me to leave before lunch, so I... heh. I asked Mom and Dad to grab something for me to eat at the diner between Fox Chase and Rob Lee, but I timed it so that I would be there waiting for them. Gave them a nice little surprise, and we had a nice lunch together. Just... sandwiches and stuff, but it was great. The owner wouldn't let us pay, either, because he recognized me, and... turns out his son goes to Rob Lee, so... yeah.
After lunch, we went home. I stopped at the grocery store to pick up some flowers, and on the way home, I called Aleksandra. Asked her what was up, how she was doing and all that. I got her to tell me that she was at home, kind of... craftily. Anyway, I told her that they weren't going to let me out until next week--and that was when we were pulling into Fox Chase. I had her telling me how much it sucked that I wouldn't be out for a few days when I rang the doorbell, and... heh.
Expression on her face was priceless. She sort of stared at me, hung her phone up, and just hugged me for... a long time.
Mom and Dad took a picture of it. Actually, Dad took a picture, Mom took a video, so... that's another thing that's gotta stay off of Youtube, heh.
After that, she pretty much dragged me into her place. Tried to get Mom and Dad to come, but they just said nah, so for the next couple hours, it was just me and her.
She made me tea, first. And then, she... pretty much had me sit down and she snuggled up against me. She just held me around the chest and sort of nuzzled against me, and I kind of... had my arm over her back and around her shoulders.
We talked a little bit. Mostly about... just stuff. But I told her how much I missed her in the hospital, and how much I've missed her over the past few months.
I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. But you could tell that that got to her. She apologized again, and I said it was okay, but... I dunno.
I don't want that to come between us. It's in the past. I don't even know why I mentioned it. I guess I wanted to say that we have to make up for lost time, but it didn't come out like that.
I dunno.
But I think the both of us got over it. We--that happened in like the beginning, and for the next couple hours, we were just sitting there, holding each other, and... it was really great. I think I asked her if she wanted to go on a run once or twice, but she just shook her head and said that I was still in bad shape, and so was she. She had a point, but I said that I don't want to get fat.
She said that I wasn't fat. And she kind of poked me in the side. I wasn't expecting that, so I kind of jumped a little, but she just laughed and started to kind of tickle me and stuff, so... I went right back at her.
I don't remember who won. I think I did. When we were finished, I was kind of holding her over my lap, and she was all flustered and laughing and blushing. And... we've never been so close before. Not for months, anyway.
She's a really pretty girl. I know I probably say that in here a lot, but it can't be said enough. She's like... the perfect girl. Tall, blonde, pale fur, brown eyes, and fucking fit. I told her--I can tell that she's like all muscle whenever I touch her. She's not like buff, but she's... toned, sort of like me, so you can tell that she keeps fit. She's not some delicate little thing you have to worry about setting a hand on.
I told her that stuff. And I... was going to kiss her, but I decided to just nuzzle her like a kitten a few times. I was kind of embarrassed to do it at first, but now I'm not. I can be myself around her, and do things that I wouldn't in front of other people, because it's just between us. I can let down my shields, if that makes sense, because I know she won't hurt me, ever.
After a while, she said that I'm pretty good looking. Not--those weren't her exact words, but she called me handsome. She said that I'm like tall and buff, but not a meathead, and she loves my hair, even though it's sort of wispy and it's got like no color at all. She likes my ruff, and... my stripes, my eyes, my face, everything. Before I started to work out, she said that she thought I was really attractive, but now... she said that if she could make the perfect guy out of clay, even if she did it absolutely right, she'd just end up sculpting me.
It was kind of weird to hear that. I've never thought of myself as that good-looking. I mean, I keep clean and neat and stuff, and yeah, I keep fit, but... I never knew a girl, let alone a girl as perfect as her, would ever find me attractive. I never thought that would ever happen.
We didn't say much for a while. And then, pretty much out of the blue, I told Aleksandra that... I love her.
I think she was kind of surprised to hear that. It made her blush and just... freeze, and stay quiet, like she wasn't sure of what she'd heard. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just... sort of stroked her hair and held her, and then... she said that she loves me too.
I kissed her after that. On the lips, I mean. Just... for a second. But she liked it, and I did too for damn sure.
Maybe she wanted to kiss me again. I dunno. But I just held her close, and... that was enough for both of us.
4/27/09
Well, we're back in school today. It's kind of weird, because all of my classes are out by Margarita's, so the commute is longer. And it's kind of weird to have a class in a trailer, but whatever. It's the best we can do, and everyone's making it work.
Plus, there are a couple restaurants nearby, so the food options are pretty good. I mean, my food options are always good--I'm a brown paper bag kind of guy, and Mom's a great cook, so I'm always set.
Actually, today was a little different. Mom and Aleksandra kind of coordinated it behind my back. She made me lunch today. Like... boiled fish and noodles with some salad. It was good, but... it was really special that she made it just for me. Really... intimate, like. She made the same thing for herself, and we drove off to this abandoned road, and just sat in the forest and ate all by ourselves.
We finished with a lot of time to spare before classes. I asked her if she wanted to drive around, and she said that that could wait until later. So, we just sort of walked around in the forest for a while.
I wasn't familiar with the area. And it was a thick forest, and... there were warnings from the cops. A lot of David's dogs have been captured or killed, but there are probably more. Probably a lot more. A couple more got caught today, but there are dozens that aren't accounted for. I told Aleksandra, but she just said that it's my decision if we were gonna head out or keep going. She said that she knows I'll protect her from... anything.
And it's true. I'd protect Aleksandra from anything... David, a dog, or... a joint KGB-CIA-zombie spy ninja robot assassin, heh. I'd die to protect her.
But I'm not Superman. We went back to school.
And later, we did drive around on my bike. We were gonna do homework--we did do homework, but then it was dinner time. The teachers aren't going easy on us even though the school got blown up and set on fire.
Anyway, after dinner, I kind of got up from my desk, looked outside, and said, "The Hell with it." Me and Aleksandra were gonna call each other--whoever finished homework first calls. I wasn't near being done, but I called her, and, well, neither was she, but we decided to just put it off for one day and have some fun.
I met her outside about ten minutes later. And she'd dressed for the occasion.
She wasn't like some of those stupid biker girls who'll wear jeans and fuckin' cut off shirts or whatever. She was wearing a thick hoody, protective pants, gloves, a helmet, everything. I took one look at her and kind of gave her a thumbs up, and she just hopped on my bike and off we went.
I drove. Mostly, anyway. She drove a few times, but it was mostly just me. I took her all over the place. We only stopped a few times for gas and water. I showed her everywhere I've been. We brought my rifle, but there was no danger... no dogs, no nothing, barely even any cars on the road. It was just me and her.
Turns out that... mystical place does exist. You know, the one that's totally desolate, and in between two big hills. It exists--I saw it again tonight, and Aleksandra did, too. The thing is... neither of us could remember where it is, so... maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe it's just a place in both of our minds, but that's okay too, because as long as Alekandra's there, it's alright.
We didn't really talk much. But we don't need to. There's nothing that's unsaid between us.
4/28/09
We practiced for the AP tests in class today. It was pretty tough, but we all did well... me, Aleksandra, Browns, and a couple of our buddies all did good overall. The physics one was a killer, so we talked to the new guy and he stayed after until like four thirty and drilled us until we got it.
He's a smart guy. A really smart guy. I didn't really see it before, but I think that he just... needs practice teaching to become really good at it. I mean, the man knows his material cold, and he can convey it pretty well, too. He just needs practice, and when he gets enough of it, well... Takahashi was a giant. But I think this guy might be... a pretty good guy, too.
I wanted to go on a run today, but I'm still feeling kind of off, so I just went on a walk. With Aleksandra, of course. Well, it was going to be me and Aleksandra, but we headed by Chris's place, and the guys were all there, so we ended up just hanging out with them for a while. It was the first time most of them have met Aleksandra, so I got to introduce her, as... well, as my girlfriend.
It's the first time I've said that. And I kind of think of her as my girlfriend in some ways, but in other ways, just eh. I mean, we're not fucking making out in the hallways, or starting drama, so... I dunno. Maybe I'll understand it when I'm older.
Anyway, the guys seemed to like her. That's good.
4/29/09
I finally got to go back to Johnston's. It was fucking great. I walked in, and he saw me, and he just shook my hand and said that I did a good job, and that was that. After that, we pretty much jumped into the normal swing of things.
I went on a run later and talked to Aleksandra about MMA. Turns out she used to do tae kwon do, so I encouraged her to go back into martial arts, and she said she'd definitely look into it after the volleyball season's over, because for now, that takes up a lot of her energy. By the time we're finished running, she said she's pretty much beat, but I know better than that. If she got as exhausted as she says she gets, she'd wouldn't be able to fuckin' lap me around Fox Chase, but she does... every, single, time. Heh.
I had dinner at her place tonight. With her dad. He got home early today--he actually got promoted, so he might be able to keep better hours. We don't know yet, but it'd be great if he could. He has all sorts of cool hobbies--like, he builds clocks for fun, or he used to, when he had the time. But it's sweet--he showed me one of them that he keeps in his living room, and it's like... really accurate, and intricate and everything. He carved it himself from one block of wood, so... damn, you know?
It might be cool to hang out with him more. Maybe I'd be able to sort of absorb some of his creativity. I'm not a creative person--can't draw, sing, play music, nothing, heh. I can barely understand music, for that matter. I guess it sucks, but whatever, right?
Aleksandra's not like that, though. She can draw really well. She showed me--she has this whole book of stuff. A lot of it's anime style, but she's got more realistic stuff, too, and it's really, really good. I was really impressed and surprised, because how awesome can one person be, you know? But she's everything awesome and more, I guess.
I'm really proud of her. Not... paternalistically, though. She's got her dad for that. But I'm proud of how much she pushes herself and challenges herself, every single day, no matter what. School, fitness, drawing... everything. She just gives it everything, and that's why she's like an expert at everything she does.
Maybe I can be more like that someday. Maybe if I stay with her, I'll become more like her. And I'm not leaving her, so... yeah.
I'm not leaving her. Ever.
4/30/09
We did more AP tests today. Schreiner drilled us really hard, but we all pretty much did well, so we had a couple minutes at the end of class to just hang out. And for the first time, I participated in those... Q&A sessions that I used to think were stupid. Basically, we just talked, and the question came up of where we're going after high school, because this is our senior year, so... well, I told everyone that I'm going to Fraser. 'Cause I'd gotten accepted back in like November.
Turns out a ton of people are going to Fraser. Browns is going to MIT because he wants to get into engineering, and a couple other guys are going to other schools, but most of us are going to Fraser. Like Aleksandra. She told me after class--when she came here, to the US, that was like the first thing she did. She applied to a couple colleges--got accepted to them all--and Fraser was her first choice, so... looks like we'll get to be together in college.
That's gonna be nice. I hadn't thought about it until today. Mom and Dad and me all used to be worried about college, even though we never really talked about it, because... well, I'd be a legal adult, so if I did anything bad, then... that's assault.
But I've grown up now. I've grown up a lot. I... understand the value of life, because... I don't know. Maybe it's because I've taken it.
...
David's parents got arrested today. It was all over the news. There was a huge raid... SWAT, FBI, everything. I talked to the Sarge about it--he gave me his cell number--and he said yeah, it's a big deal. They had a ton of shit... drugs, guns, stuff like that, and they weren't cooperating with the investigation on David, so... that was that.
He said that he had thought it was going to go off a lot worse than it did. But they just surrendered without a fight, so... well, no one got hurt, thank God for that.
...
I still can't believe what happened. And what almost happened--so many people dying. I try not to think about it too much, because I just can't comprehend it. I dunno if I'll ever be able to.
Tried to play Halo at Aleksandra's after MMA and basketball. Couldn't do it. I don't think I'll ever be able to enjoy video games again.
5/1/09
I don't think I'll ever be able to top today. Ever. I feel... I've never been so happy. I feel like I'm at the top of the world.
I guess I'll start at the top.
Started out as a normal day. Got up, ate breakfast, went to school with Aleksandra, and hit classes. Everything was pretty much normal, except the football players were bummed, because we were supposed to have a home game today against Xavier, but the cops were still busy checking Rob Lee for bombs and stuff, so it looked like it wasn't going to work out. Everyone thought we were going to play at Xavier at best.
Then, like right before the end of the day, the principal busted into class to tell us that the game was on and that we were playing at Rob Lee. I wasn't too hot on going, but Aleksandra convinced me on the way home, so I said alright.
So, I just did the normal stuff after that. MMA, a little running, ate some dinner, and then headed to school on my bike with Aleksandra. Mom and Dad came too, and Aleksandra's dad hitched a ride with them.
It was a great game. I'm not that into football, but it was a really great game. The Xavier team is really good, but our guys just dominated them all of first and second quarter. So, at halftime, I was going to get a hot dog from the food stand, but a couple guys from the football team told me they wanted me on the field, so... I was confused, but whatever, I went with them.
Turns out that they... wanted to thank me for what I did. They tried to get me to make a speech, so I said a few words, but then a ton of people kind of rushed the field, grabbed me, and kind of lifted me up.
Literally everyone from Rob Lee was there. Literally--every single kid who attends Rob Lee and all of our parents, too. And they all carried me around for a good five or ten minutes. They just sort of carried me around and tossed me up and down, and at first, I was fucking scared out of my mind--Dad said he could see me struggling--but then I kind of calmed down. At first, I hated it, because I hate being touched, but... you know, it's really not that bad when you're being touched by your friends.
And all those guys were my friends. Every single one of them. I might not know them all by name, or even by face, but... they were all my friends.
...
We ended up winning the game. By a huge margin. It was a great time.
I can't stop thinking about how grateful and happy everyone was. And these guys used to either hate me or be afraid of me. But now, they're all... I think I understand things better than I ever have now. I think I understand what it means to be part of a society.
Mom and Dad went out to dance. Aleksandra's gonna spend the night with me. After the game, she stopped by her place to pick up some stuff and shower and all, but right now, she's in the bathroom, changing, I guess, and I'm just hanging out here by myself in my bedroom. Just watching some Discovery Channel or something and waiting for her to come in so that we can go to sleep.
She's coming in right now. But she's nervous--and she's not wearing PJs.
She's not... wearing much at all...
...
I don't know... if I did the right thing.
I'll start at the top. So, I was just sort of sitting here on my bed, kind of writing my logs and just watching TV with half a mind. I was pretty much enjoying myself, and as relaxed as a guy like me can be. It's kind of chilly outside, but since it's late, there's that late night smell that I can't describe in any other way, so I had the window open a little bit. It was perfectly quiet and I'm all... I just had a nice drink of water and I'm all clean from my shower with deodorant on and everything.
And I was about to be warm in bed. With Aleksandra, so... I can't think of a better way to spend a night. Just... her beautiful little snow leopardess body next to me, all warm and soft and purring... I think that would be perfect.
But when she came in, she wasn't wearing her PJs. Then again, I'm not exactly wearing PJs either. I haven't had PJs in like six years--the last set I had was all flannel with rocketships on them and stuff, and I grew out of those pronto. These days I pretty much wear gym shorts and a tee shirt or an undershirt.
I dunno what I expected Aleksandra to be wearing. Maybe... her short shorts and a tank top or something. I dunno.
But she wasn't wearing that. She was wearing... just underwear. Like she was back in February, but this time...
That time she was just wearing normal underwear. Like, white, cotton stuff. This time... she must have put it on when she showered at her place. Maybe she put it on in the bathroom. I dunno.
But it was nice stuff. Black lace with these designs on it that just went so fucking perfect with her fur. When I saw her--she just walked in wearing that and sort of stood in the door kind of looking away, but I swear to God I couldn't breath. It's fucking breathtaking how beautiful that girl is. And she was just showing herself to me--only to me.
She was nervous. You could tell. It took her a while to look at me, but when she did, she blushed real deep under her fur and kind of stroked her hair, took it out of the ponytail. And she smiled at me, so I could see those little dimples on her cheeks, and then she started to walk toward me.
I was sitting on the edge of the bed. She got up right in front of me and held my hands with her sweet little hands for a moment, and then she kissed me.
It wasn't just once, or for a second. It was... it lasted a few minutes. I think she wanted to... to make out, you know, with our tongues, but I... don't think I could do that. But she was okay with that. She was so gentle and accepting--she just sort of stood there and kissed me and let me kiss her back.
After a while, she kind of just held my hands and tugged them toward her, and set them on her hips. She kind of kept 'em there so that I wouldn't move them, and she just stroked my arms a little and asked me if I thought she was... "sexy" was the word she used.
Took me a while to answer. I was staring at her. She's so perfect. Her pure white belly was right in front of my face, and she's been working out a lot, so she's all toned and lean, but you can kind of see her abs, even under that thick fur of hers. I... eventually looked up at her and said that she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that I can't believe I'm touching her.
She smiled at me and kissed me again. Just a little bit, this time. And then she kind of... nudged me down so that I was on the bed and lay on top of me and just held me and nuzzled against my neck. And I held her back, sort of, around her hips, and... I mean, I dunno what else I could have done. It was so hard for me to think straight. My heart must have been beating about a million times a second. She was being so... affectionate to me, and... I didn't know how to act.
A couple minutes later, she kind of leaned up and looked down at me from about two inches away. Her hair had kind of gone to one side of her face so it was sort of on my cheek, and it smelled so sweet that I just closed my eyes and nuzzled against her hair for a minute. And she said to me, "But that's not what I asked, Alex. I asked, 'Do you think I'm sexy?'"
And then I got what she really wanted to know.
...
I'm at my desk now. Right next to the window. Even though I only opened it a little bit, the blinds are wide open, so I can look outside. It's... really dark right now. There's cloud cover, so I dunno what moon it is, but there's not much light at all. It's so dark and quiet, and the only light is from that one streetlight out in front of our house. Even I can't see really well unless I concentrate, and I can't hear anything because there's just nothing moving right now.
I can hear Aleksandra breathing. I can hear her heart beating, too... all relaxed and slow. I guess... I guess she's happy now, but she's sleeping, so... I dunno. I just don't know.
When I got what she wanted earlier, I... pretty much froze up. I... am not that kind of a guy. I'm just not. I don't know why. I think it scares me, or... or maybe I'm just not into it at all. I dunno. But Aleksandra wanted something from me that I couldn't give her, so... I dunno. I feel pretty bad about it, but I just couldn't do more than kiss her.
I told her that... I'm not sure if I found her sexy or not. And she... I think she was about to cry. But I held her real tightly and after a while, she... sort of relaxed. And I think she understood it, so... but she wasn't done trying. She... just kept trying for a while. She was so sweet to me--she just nuzzled me like a kitten and kissed me all over--my lips, my face, my forehead, everything. She... made me feel like a God, I guess. She like... rubbed my arms and my chest with her sweet little hands and snuggled against me and said that she hoped I'd always protect her like I have, and I said yeah, I would, forever.
She had me touch her, too. Just on her hips and stuff. And on her belly and her back. She told me--when I was lying down and she was on top of me, she told me I could squeeze her as tight as I wanted, or... she told me I could do anything I wanted, because she trusts me, and loves me, so if there's anything she can do for me at all, she'll do it immediately and she'll like it.
So, I... tried it out, I guess. I told her--I asked her to lay down, on her side, and face away from me. And she did, right then and there. She got off of me and lay down like I asked and she didn't complain or even say a word. She just kind of... turned to look at me over her shoulder, and I, well... I decided to see if she was really telling the truth.
So I got up close to her. Real close. I couldn't smell anything but her hair, and it's fucking sweet and gorgeous and soft, so I just nuzzled into her hair for a while. And then I sort of... wrapped my arm around her and set it on her tummy so that she could feel it, and I started to move it up. Slowly--real slowly, so that if she didn't like it, she'd have plenty of time to tell me to stop, but she didn't complain. I could tell she was... confused, maybe scared, about what I was going to do, but she didn't say a word. She just... lay there, like I told her to, and...
Well, she... let me put my hand on her neck. And I told her--I asked her if I could squeeze, and... she was too nervous to talk, I guess. But she just nodded, and, so, I kind of held her neck in my hand for a while. Not enough to hurt, but enough that she could feel it. And she let me do it. She didn't tell me to stop once. She actually let me hold her neck in one hand. And then I sort of brought my other arm under her and I had her neck in both hands, but she still didn't stop me.
I tried to catch her eye. Took a while, because we were kind of in a weird position. I asked her if she was okay, and she just nodded, and tried to talk, but she couldn't, so I kind of eased up for a second, and she nuzzled against my face and said that she meant what she said--I could do whatever I wanted.
She trusts me so much. I think... if I actually choked her, she would take it. That's how much she loves me. And I couldn't abuse that, but... I wasn't sure. I dunno. Maybe I just wanted to push the envelope, so I kept going.
I got her in a chokehold. Then I put her in a full nelson. And then I just wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her sweet little body, and then I kind of opened my mouth and got my teeth right against her neck--right against her jugular. But she didn't say anything. I started to squeeze her again, and I said I wish I could do that while holding her neck, so she actually... she actually got her hands on her own throat and started to squeeze for me.
I was looking right at her the whole time. To make sure that she was safe... but that's not all. I wanted to... I dunno. I don't know what I was doing all this time, or why. But... after that, after she started to go a little red, I just told her to stop, and then I just held her. Gently, this time.
She asked if we were finished. I said... yeah. Just didn't know what else to say. And she was kind of breathing hard from getting her airway cut off like that, so I could feel it, and then I realized this whole time, she'd kind of had her tail wrapped around my leg. And now that we were finished, she kind of reached down and held my arms with her little hands, and asked if she had passed the test.
It was kind of a joke, I guess. But I said yeah, and she just laughed... a little sadly, I guess, and kind of brought my hands to her face so she could nuzzle against them a little bit.
I told her that I thought she was sexy. Said that I dunno how I control myself around her. But by then, she was asleep.
And she's still asleep now. She's just... a sleeping blond snow leopardess on my bed. I guess it could be a poem, heh, but I don't have the mind for that, so... I guess I'll take a picture of her on my phone.
...
I can't stop looking at her. I don't understand her. She's so beautiful, and smart, and tough, and fit and everything else, but she still likes a guy like me. I... know I'm an okay guy now, but... being with her is like... I dunno. I think no matter who I am, or what I do, I don't think I'll ever think that I'm good enough for her. So, I... guess I'll always have to try. And maybe if I try hard enough, she'll stay with me.
Heh. Aleksandra's a sweet little thing. She just kind of fidgeted and said something like, "Yes, more milk, please." Heh. Typical. Typical...
I think I could look at her forever. In any context--no matter if she's wearing a hoody and jeans, or her volleyball clothes, or if she's like she is now, dressed in black lace lingerie just for me. She's almost... too beautiful to be real. Perfect body, perfect fur, perfect hair, and face, and eyes. She's across the room now, but it feels like... like I'm just a man, looking up at Mount Olympus. If I hadn't touched her not a half hour ago, I wouldn't believe that she's real. I'd have just thought that I'm hallucinating, or maybe there's an angel in my room for some fuckin' reason.
...I'm sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted, Aleksandra. Maybe... maybe now that you're asleep, I can do it.
Maybe I'll... give it a try.
...
I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I--it's not her fault. At all. She's beautiful, and she's got the perfect... sort of, you know, curves, for this kind of stuff, but... I dunno.
I'm in bed with her now. Just to be close, I guess. I guess that's all I can do for her. I hope it's enough. I...
...
"Alex... are you still awake?"
"Yeah. I am."
"What are you writing?"
"Just my logs."
"Can't they wait until the morning?"
"..."
"If you want to finish them now, it's alright."
"Nah, you're right. They can wait..."
"..."
"Alex, if you're feeling guilty about before... well, don't be, alright?"
"Why not? You wanted something that I should be able to give you--that every straight guy on the planet would be able to give you--but I couldn't, so why shouldn't I feel guilty?"
"You didn't want to."
"So what?"
"Well, I want you... to be yourself, no matter what. Even if... it might take some time for me to get used to it, you have to be yourself, Alex. Who else can you be?"
"..."
"And... it's alright with me if it takes you some time to get used to the idea of being with me like that."
"What if I never... what if it never happens?"
"That's alright, too."
"..."
"Oh, Alex, I don't think you understand what I meant when I told you that I love you. I meant that I love you as you are, and that I will love you as you change. I know... more than anyone else, I know that you're one of a kind. But that's alright--that's part of why I love you."
"..."
"It's alright, Alex. Don't be emotional."
"I'm not emotional."
"Well, you're getting there."
"...Alright, maybe a little bit. Just don't tell anyone, alright? I'd... I'd ruin my reputation as a BAMF."
"A 'BAMF'?"
"Ehm... I, er, uhm, heheh, it's just an, uhm, American slang."
"Okay, Alex. Heheheh."
"Stop laughing at me, Aleksandra. Heh."
"Can I kiss you instead?"
"...Yeah. I think I'd like that."
5/02/09
Aleksandra and I pretty much did homework most of day. Even though we have like three weeks of school left, the teachers aren't pulling any punches. It's just... test after test after test after project after homework.
It's actually not at all surprising that Rob Lee students do so well in college. After this, I guess pretty much anything would be easy.
I'm kind of looking forward to going to college. I'm not sure why. I guess it's just that I'm looking forward to growing up. Not that... my parents are exactly restrictive, or that I don't have that much freedom. I dunno.
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do after college. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do in college--I haven't declared a major yet, so... yeah. I'll probably go for an engineering degree of some sort, and maybe get another one on top of it. Like... something in science, or maybe criminal law or something. I'm not exactly gung-ho about, well, any particular fields, but I do know that I want to go far in whatever I go into. Just like Dad--I asked him about that. He said he kind of fell into real estate, but he just did his best, and now he can't imagine doing anything else.
I asked Aleksandra what she wants to do. Turns out she wants to be an accountant, but she'll probably end up doing a lot more than that. She's just got this feeling about her... not too many girls have it. She's hungry, if that makes sense. But not just for money. She wants to just do the best that she possibly can in whatever she possibly can.
I think that's really cool. It's really inspirational too.
I asked Mom about her field as a software engineer. She says it's nice, but she mostly got it for convenience's sake... so that she can be at home most of the time. After I'm more independent and in college and stuff, she'll probably work with Dad, or maybe do something on her own, like consulting or maybe work for the Air Force or something. She could definitely do that--I can program in C++ and Java and stuff, but it's all because of her. She taught me it when I was like ten.
But, yeah, I guess I didn't do anything exciting today. Just did some running and stuff and played basketball with the guys... Aleksandra just kept running, heh. Didn't end up seeing her after like four o'clock. We texted each other a little after that, but that's it.
I'll see her tomorrow, though. I got a place her in a motorcycle licensing class, so I'll surprise her with that, and then, well, we'll see what happens.
5/03/09
Did some more studying this morning. Hit Johnston's--there was a really cool lesson today. It was all about escaping from extremely close quarters with multiple opponents. Like, if you're in a small hallway or alley or whatever and there are a couple guys around you, there are still a bunch of things you can do. In fact, there's sort of an advantage, because only so many of them can come at you at once from like two angles.
Anyway, I decided not to go running today. I just spent some time reading up on investment and other stuff. Then it was time to go to Aleksandra's.
I surprised her with the ticket to the motorcycle class. She was really happy about it. Turns out she's got a ton of pictures and stuff of her biking around in Ukraine with her dad. Turns out that over there, they were actually pretty well off, but now... eh. Give it like five years and he'll be some kind of boss or something. He's a really smart, talented guy, so I'd be surprised if he doesn't end up going places, even though his English still isn't that great.
But yeah, we went to the motorcycle class and Aleksandra aced it and the test, no sweat. She's got her license now, and it turns out her birthday's on Saturday, so... let's just say that I've got a few ideas for what to get her.
5/04/09
Back to school. In the trailers, I mean. They actually started construction on Rob Lee again. Aleksandra and I saw it--we actually jogged all the way over there after MMA today. They were still at work at the time, and shit's getting done. It's really impressive.
We all ate dinner together today. I mean, all of us--me, Mom and Dad, Aleksandra, and Aleksandra's dad. Just... one big happy feline family, you know?
I've never really felt... the way I did at dinner earlier. I mean... I have no siblings, or cousins, or friends, and Mom and Dad don't really have any close friends that they bring home and stuff. They mostly hang out outside of home, so I've never, ever had the opportunity to just be in a big group like this before. About as close as I got as back when I took the guys to Friday's, but this was... different, but a lot better.
I don't really know what's happening to me. It's sort of scary, but I can't stop it, and I like it, a lot. I don't know where it's taking me or how I'll end up, but I think that as long as I stay true to myself, and listen to what everyone has to say... I think I'll end up alright.
Oh yeah--turns out Dad's looking to expand his business. Now, he doesn't just want to sell real estate, he wants to be a developer, and he needs a couple of people to back him on it. He's already got a few people in mind, but there's a big opening for an engineer and someone with experience managing blue collar workers, and... well, now there's not an opening anymore, heh.
Aleksandra's dad will quit work in like a week. After that, he's gonna work with Dad in a new office in town, and he promised to have construction on something started within a month.
It's so inspiring to be around people like this. I can't wait to get out of high school. I don't know how I'll spend this summer, but I've got a few ideas already--I hope they're enough. I have to prove myself to everyone, but I also have to prove myself to myself, and that might take some doing.
5/05/09
Today, Schreiner pretty much gave us some last-minute advice about the AP test and stuff. It's hard to believe that the damn thing is tomorrow--I mean, I always thought of the AP tests this year being so far off in the distant future.
In fact... barely over two weeks ago, I hadn't even planned on living long enough to see them, so...
But anyway, we kind of got a break in school today. Everyone was sort of nervous, and I am too, but I'm also pretty confident. I mean, last year, I kind of went overboard on prepping for the Comp Sci test, and... well, to be honest, I could have gotten a five on it in my sleep. And considering how much we've been drilled on Calc and everything, I'm definitely not worried about it.
I was sort of worried about Physics, but the new guy has been giving us a lot of practice recently, and the test isn't until next week, so I'm gonna spend most of the weekend just preparing for that.
I hit Johnston's a little today. Didn't do any running--just played basketball with the guys and then we all met with Aleksandra and Browns's girlfriend at Margarita's and hung out for a while over there.
Actually, today was like the official end of trenchcoat season. It stays cold around here for most of the year, but today, it was... well, even I couldn't justify wearing a trenchcoat, so I dropped it off for dry cleaning. When it comes back, it's going into my closet until September.
So, until then, good friend. Heh.
I spent the rest of the evening studying with Aleksandra at her place. When we were finished, I was going to go, but I sort of stopped, walked back, and kissed her. And then I left.
5/06/09
Well, the Calc test was today... and I don't want to sound cocky, but I'm pretty sure that I aced it.
Actually, I'm pretty sure that everyone aced it. Like, we were talking about it afterwards and pretty much everyone was like shocked by how easy it was. It was like... every section, we all finished in like a third of the time allotted tops, so we were stuck just stressing about like missing pages and stuff, or maybe we just fucked the whole thing up. But I know that I went over everything really slowly and carefully, but still, it was just... not hard at all.
We drilled a little bit in Physics, but the new guy could kind of tell that we were sort of drained from the test this morning, so... well, yesterday he asked me about that, 'cause it seemed like everyone was so focused on Calc that they might sort of neglect Physics until later, and I said that one of the ways Takahashi kept us on the ball for Physics B last year was by instead of going through huge questions, just asking us little things and tossing out candies.
He was kind of surprised that high school kids were still into candy, but today, he tried it, and it worked like a charm. I really do think that he's gonna be as good as Takahashi, real soon. Not to take away from what Takahashi did, or who he was--no one can ever really replace him--but as a teacher, this guy is like... he's great.
Mom and I baked some cheesecake brownies today and surprised Dad with them when he got home. He doesn't usually like sweets, but I remember the first time he tried cheesecake brownies--I was like ten at the time, and me and Mom had just made them, and I convinced Dad to try one, and he did, and it was like... you could see his eyes just about bug out of his skull, heh.
I guess I'm not gonna be able to hang out with Aleksandra much this week. Not until the weekend, anyway. We're just way too busy studying for the AP tests and the finals. But I called the guy I got my bike from, and he's got one left. So, I think I'm set on her birthday.
5/07/09
Had the English test today. It wasn't that hard, but I definitely don't feel as good as I did after the Calc test. It's sort of because I didn't study for it. After all, why bother? You're not going to be able to improve your English skills by cramming over a few days, it's just something you have to practice and struggle with. And Mills has been drilling us pretty hard, so I'm pretty satisfied with myself.
I think I earned a five. Aleksandra probably did, too, even though she's got a really pronounced accent. Heh--I sort of teased her about that a little bit earlier. Just for like a second--she didn't get sad or anything. In fact, she was laughing all over the place.
It's hard to believe how far I've come. I mean--ever since the 20th, so many things have changed. I... I know people, and they know me, and they're not afraid of me and I'm not afraid of them. It's... I can't explain how relieving it is. It used to be that I'd sort of unconsciously be walking around, ready to get fucking assaulted or brutalized, and everyone else was sort of jumpy around me, too, but now... it's like there's a covenant or something. Or like a social contract. Even though we might all have our differences, we're all in this life together, so we might as well be decent to each other, and help each other out when we can.
That's why even though the papers and stuff called me heroic, I don't think I'm a hero at all. I just... I dunno. I did what I had to do. I mean...
I dunno. I don't like to think about it too much. I still feel... I still wake up at night thinking about David falling off that roof. I killed that guy, and no matter what he did or what he almost did, that's just... you can tell me that it's okay until the end of time, but I think I'll never really be okay with it. What I did is never okay, it's just that there are some... really extreme times when doing something else is even less okay. That's how I look at it.
I talked to Johnston about it earlier, after MMA. He pretty much agreed with me. He told me about what he did in 'Nam, and... yeah, he killed people. Not in the same way that I did, and he never actually like shot someone and saw them go down, but the number of rounds he put out there, and when he was attached to that artillery unit... yeah, he killed people, and it fucking haunts him to this day. It's true that a lot of them were commie bastards, but others were just like... brainwashed kids, or just people who thought they were defending their homeland, so, in a way, what he did was a lot worse than what I did.
I dunno. It's really hard to think about these things. I guess it's really, really good that there's less murder and war today than there used to be, because now you don't have to do something hastily or because you were ordered to as much and then have to wonder if it was alright after the fact.
I dunno, though. I think... if I was just a little smarter, or a little quicker, David wouldn't have had to die.
...
The Sergeant called me earlier. Told me about an internship with him. I'm not supposed to write about it here, but it has to do with national defense and counterintelligence. So, in a way--maybe in a really tiny and not direct way, but still a way, I'll be... well, I'll be killing people again.
I dunno. I think these days, there's more focus on... non-lethal stuff, and capturing the bad guys instead of killing them, but I dunno.
I talked to Aleksandra about it earlier, and, well, she didn't say much, but she said that... on the seventh, when I killed that dog, it wasn't the first time she used her knife. Not by a long shot. And she said that she does feel bad that you sometimes have to do brutal things, but that's just how life is, and there's no avoiding it if you want life to go on.
I guess that makes sense.
I wish she was here now, though. I know it's a school night, but... I dunno.
...
I called Aleksandra just now. It's ten at night, and we both need our sleep, but... well, I asked her if she wanted to meet up later, and she told me to nap for a while and then come over to her place at one. She told me that the door would be open and that I should just head upstairs to her room, and she'd be waiting for me.
I dunno why she told me to nap for a while. I can't sleep when I'm thinking of her waiting for me in her room.
5/08/09
We had a chance to kind of relax in school today. Just did some practicing for the AP tests and stuff. In Calc, Schreiner talked to us about college--mostly about the transition to college and how important it is stay on the straight and narrow. Turns out... she had came from a big family, like Dad, but now she's probably the only one of her siblings who's still alive, like Dad.
So... it really spoke to me. I have to do my parents proud, because if I fuck up, that's it. I don't have any siblings, so if something happens to me, that's a whole bloodline gone forever. Same thing's true for Aleksandra. So we have to keep each other safe, I guess.
Not much else to say. I guess... I got a haircut, I guess. After hitting Johnston's, but before playing basketball, I just decided to get a haircut, so I got one. Dragged Aleksandra along, because without her or Mom, I'd probably just get a buzz cut, but Aleksandra told the guy how to do it right. What I've got going on now is like... it's really short on the sides but sort of tapered on top so it looks sweet when I spike it up. It's great.
Oh yeah--after basketball, I was just talking to the guys, and Browns asked me if I'm doing anything specific for the prom, because it's literally one week from today, on the night of graduation. And I fucking... I realized I hadn't even thought about prom once in months. I mean, I knew going into senior year--Hell, I knew going into freshman year that I'd never go to prom, or, well, so I thought. But now... well, I'm pretty sure Aleksandra'd want to go, and... well, to be honest, I kind of want to go, too. I know a ton of Rob Lee students go to Fraser, but this is probably gonna be the last time we're all together for... a really long time. Maybe ever.
So I've pretty much spent most of the evening coordinating things about my suit and stuff. Turns out Browns is renting a limo and there's space in it for one other couple, and he said he'd be happy to give it to me. That kid... he's a real good guy. I'm glad he's going to Fraser, because... I kind of want to stay close to him. He's a really good guy.
I'm going to ask Aleksandra to the prom tomorrow. I kind of feel bad for giving her so little notice, but... there's nothing I can do about it at this point.
I hope she'll say yes. I really hope she will, but if she says no... well, I can't blame her. But I think she'll say yes. And if she does, I'll be really, really happy.
...
Oh, yeah... last night, I went over at one, like Aleksandra said. I... tried to sleep, but, surprise of surprises, I don't think I caught ten winks, heh.
So, I went over. The door was open, like she said, and I... kind of walked upstairs. Realized that I didn't know which room was hers, because I'd never been there before, so I just used my nose, and it was easy to find her. She smelled... good, like always, but this time... there was something else about her, and I think I know what it is now. It was that sweetish smell there was when she took her shirt off for me back in February, and when she came into my room with her underwear on last Friday.
I guess it was... well, the smell of her, you know, excitement.
It wasn't as heavy last night. But it was there. It was definitely there.
Anyway, I headed into her room and she was waiting on her bed in her tank top and short shorts. She kind of smiled at me and patted the place next to her, so I went there, and we just cuddled for a while. Kissed a little bit... maybe like two, or three times.
And we held hands a lot. And we talked, too. Just... we closed the door and just talked about... mostly about, well, killing, but about some other stuff too, like the future. I think... we're both kind of scared of the future in a way, because anything can happen, but we're also... really excited and looking forward to it with pretty much open arms.
Because we have everything. I have two great parents, and Aleksandra's got her dad, and we go to a great school. We have great neighbors, plenty of friends, and we--not only do we have our basic needs taken care of, but we have money to do like... like anything we want in our lives.
I told Aleksandra I wanted to go to Moscow soon. Probably not over the summer--maybe this winter, because it turns out that you get like a month off for winter break in college. We could go--my spoken Russian's almost perfect and so is Aleksandra's, and I'm sure I could learn to read it pronto. So we talked about that a little, but we mostly just talked about other things, like... you know, us.
I can't remember exactly what we said. We were both tired, and I think half the time one or both of us was like zoning out, but... I think you can only get into a state of being like that with people who you really understand, trust, and love.
I love Aleksandra. I really do. I think... nah, I know that she'll be the first, last, and only person I ever love like this. What I feel towards her is something that I don't think I could ever replicate or get back, no matter what I do, where I go, or who I meet.
...
I woke up before she did this morning. Just in time to head home and get ready for the day on a normal schedule. But before I went, I held her for a minute and just kissed her, and kissed her, and kissed her, and kissed her.
5/09/09
Well, it was Aleksandra's birthday today, so at like... ten in the morning or something, after eating and all that, I went over and wished her happy birthday and all. Then I asked her if she wanted to go for a ride on my bike, and she said yeah.
So we rode around for like an hour and a half. We stopped after a while to have some water and stuff and I asked her if she liked my bike, and she said that it's probably her favorite model ever. She said I was really smart to choose it, and that someday, she'd like to have a bike like mine, too, with like no changes. Just maybe different color HID beams.
So, we started to drive again, but this time we went into town. And we stopped at the dealership where I got my bike, and I left her for like a minute to talk to the owner, and then, heh, I paid for her bike with a check and brought it out to her.
She was fucking... she didn't even want to accept it at first. I mean, I guess it is sort of an expensive gift, but, well, this is her first birthday around me, and besides, I wanted to get it for her--and besides, she can get me something nice sometime in the future. Plus, I have money, and what good is money if you don't spend it on things you enjoy?
That's pretty much what I told her, and it sort of took a while to convince her, but she eventually accepted it.
And she was so grateful. She kissed me--right in front of the owner and everything, and just beamed at me for a while and thanked me a lot.
So we drove around for a while. For a long time--until like three in the afternoon. Then, we stopped, and it turned out that we were near this huge lake where some guys were renting out boats. And no one was there, and the place was really beautiful, especially at that time in the afternoon. There were mountains all around it and so there was some sunlight, but not too much, so we rented a boat and just rowed around there for a while.
Actually, we only rowed around for a little while. We were both kind of tired after that, so Aleksandra kind of came up to me, and, well, a couple minutes later, I was kind of holding her so that we could both have a really relaxing, peaceful nap for a while.
I woke up before she did, so I got a chance to just... stroke her hair for a while.
She woke up. I stopped, but she told me not to, so I didn't.
We headed back to shore after that. Turns out the guy who ran that place--he owns the whole area, and he's a Xavier's graduate, but his little sister goes to Rob Lee--and she's actually on the volleyball team too; Aleksandra knows her.
Anyway, he said that he owns a ton of land in the area and he's looking into getting some of it up as an offroad motorcycle course or something, and if I'm ever interested to give him a call. So I got his number, we shook hands, and that was that.
Heh. I guess Sun Tzu was right. Opportunities do multiply as they are seized. If you take the opportunity to not be a jerk and to just chat with people a little bit... it's like they're waiting to give you the world.
Maybe it's just me. But I don't think so.
Anyway, after all that, I took Aleksandra out to the mall... just because, you know? We kind of wandered around for a while... looked at some stuff, chucked pennies into the fountain, talked to a few guys from school we met. And then we went to this really delicious Chinese sort of bistro type place and got some duck, which was really fantastic. Aleksandra's never actually had duck before, and she's only had Chinese like... twice in her life before now.
We got home a little late. And then we just ran for a long, long time before going to her place, where all of us got an ice cream cake for her which we... brutally cut into little bitty pieces and ate on the spot, heh.
Then I gave her a kiss goodnight and went home with Mom and Dad, and now... here I am, pretty much on the verge of passing out in exhaustion, heh.
But... I feel good. I think I gave Aleksandra a good birthday. Actually, now, I know I did--she just sent me a text. It says: Thank you for the wonderful day, Alex :)
You're welcome, Aleksandra. I'd be happy to give you a day like this anytime.
5/10/09
I was doing some studying and stuff and practicing my Swedish this morning when I realized, damn, I hadn't asked Aleksandra to the prom yesterday. I called her, but she was studying with a couple of her friends from the volleyball team, and then she was gonna do some sprinting, so I left her be and just studied on my own for a while.
I kind of got bored of it, so I went out and got the HID beam Aleksandra wanted on her bike. The ones she wanted were a little bluer than mine, so I got those, went over to her place and me and her dad installed it onto her bike. Then I went back home to get some lunch... watched some TV with Mom and Dad and then went back to Aleksandra's place.
I guess I must have looked a lot more nervous than I felt. Her dad could tell that something was up when I got there, so he asked me what was up, so I told him--actually, I asked him if I could ask Aleksandra to the prom, because she is his daughter and all.
But he was okay with it. He supported me 100%, even, which was great. I think... I think I'm going to get along with him, really well. We haven't had that much time to get to know each other yet, but he's a lot like my dad, and me and my dad are like... we don't need to talk or hang out much, but we get each other. And I think I'm starting to get Aleksandra's dad.
So I kind of just sat with him, waiting for Aleksandra--she had finished her running and was just showering, so when she came down, she was all damp and floofy and stuff. She was like extra clean... she smelled so sweet that if her dad hadn't been there I might have, well... well, let's just say that it took me a few seconds to remember why I was over there. And then it took me a few more seconds to pick my jaw up off the floor.
And then I asked her to the prom. And she said yes, certainly, and we hugged, and I caught a little kiss from her, and, heh, that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the day.
We did some riding and stuff and then we just went for a walk for a while. We didn't talk much... just held hands and stuff.
I really do love Aleksandra.
5/11/09
Well, pretty much all of us kicked ass on the physics exams. They were hard, but I had time to do triple checking and all, and everyone else was confident, so, that's great. Of course, it was pretty tiring, so I didn't even bother to try running or playing some basketball after MMA, heh. I just read some comics online and took a nap until dinner.
I cashed out from a lot of my stock holdings today, because I don't really like the direction the market is taking, and I've made my money, so it's time to rethink things. That's how I operate--I rarely hold a given stock for more than a month, and when I do, I get really paranoid, because I have no idea what's coming up. The whole principle that I use to make money in the market is--heheh, actually, I don't think I'll write that down. I mean, Hell, if this diary gets into the wrong hands, then not only does classified material get out there, but my whole moneymaking scheme!
Anyway, I pretty much spent the whole day chilling. Tomorrow I don't have any tests, so... actually, today was my last AP test. It's all over now.
I guess... I'm gonna have to do something tomorrow. I'm not sure what it is yet, but it's almost dinner time, so I'll talk to Mom and Dad about it. After that... I might go for a walk by myself or something. I dunno. I'm as free as a bird now, heh. I can do whatever I want.
5/12/09
We didn't really do much in school all day. Mills let us watch The Lion King, which was kind of cool. I mean, it's been a really, really long time since I've seen it, so it was kind of nostalgic. I haven't really done that much innocent or clean stuff in the past like... six to eight years, actually. Ever since middle school, I guess I've been kind of a dark guy.
I guess people change. I certainly have.
So, yeah, after school, Aleksandra and I drove home on our bikes. I went to MMA, she did some running with her friends, and then we both did some running together, and, of course, she could still do circles around me.
After that, I took her out to see X-Men Origins. It was a pretty nice movie, I guess. Not a classic, but still pretty good. And it was kind of a cool experience for me, because the whole idea of going to a movie with a girl is just... something I've never even thought about until recently. It's actually really amazing how much I can do now that I'm less, let's say, reserved. Actually, I guess I mostly have Aleksandra to thank for making my life so much better. Without her, I... really don't know how bad things might have gotten.
Right now, we're just hanging out outside on the porch. Mom and Dad are on the other side, just chilling with Aleksandra's dad and talking business and stuff. I kind of want to pay more attention, but Aleksandra's kind of dozing on my shoulder, and right now, it's pretty hard to keep writing with something like that going on, so, I guess that's pretty much it for my logs tonight.
Actually, there is one more thing that I'd like to say, and that's that if there is a Heaven, and I think... actually, I'm pretty damn sure that there is, and I think Heaven for me would pretty much be just like this: Mom and Dad nearby, cool evening breeze, fresh air, some tea, perfect silence except for now and then when you can hear people playing basketball, or kids playing tag or whatever... and, of course, Aleksandra, my personal angel, half asleep right next to me.
5/13/09
We talked a lot in school today. And signed yearbooks. Heh--believe it or not, I think I was the most popular person today by far. Everyone wanted my signature, because of what happened on the twentieth, so I spent today getting all the upperclassmen and some of the underclassmen before we ran out of time. Tomorrow, I'm gonna get the rest of them.
After school, I was gonna do some MMA, but Mom drove me and Aleksandra out to Dad's new office. He's already working there with Aleksandra's dad on some stuff, and let me tell you, it's fucking sweet.
It's in the new corporate center in town that got built like two years ago. They're renting a whole floor for it, so that's about twice as much space as Dad's office has. I guess this means that Dad's really going all out on this.
Not that I blame them. Turns out Mom didn't just bring us there for fun--we got put to work pronto, just calling people to get contacts with construction workers and stuff and see if we can get material deals. I got to work with one of the architects Dad's hiring--he actually went to Rob Lee and graduated like five years ago before getting a degree in architecture and all that and spending a year with the Peace Corps. He's a really cool guy--I mean, damn, just spending like two hours with him is kind of motivating me to minor in architecture, if you can even do that, heh. Maybe I'll just study it in my free time and do some work with Dad's business on the weekends or something. I dunno.
Anyway, all of us worked until like eight o'clock without even realizing it. Then, Dad took us all out to dinner at this tiny Thai place like two blocks away. It could barely fit us all, but the food was great. Aleksandra thought so especially--she's never actually had Thai before, heh. You could tell her mind was like blown.
So, after that, I guess we all went home. Was kind of feeling antsy 'cause I didn't get to go to Johnston's, so Aleksandra and I went on a run, and I did my level best to keep up with her. I failed, of course, but I did... okay, I guess. Maybe. Kind of. Somewhat. I hope. Heh.
Aleksandra worked really hard today. Like, really hard. She crunched some numbers and stuff to do some economic analysis on a huge plot of land Dad's got his eye on about twenty miles from here, and then she worked with her dad to try to find ways to keep material and labor expenses low.
To be honest... we're probably going to hire illegal aliens. At least, we're going to hire contractors that hire illegal aliens, because I doubt that we're really in a position to directly employ construction workers right now.
Ah well, I guess it can't be helped. And I personally don't see anything wrong with it, as long as we're not abusing them or anything. I mean, they're coming here to work, we're giving them work, so where's the problem?
Maybe I just don't have a political mind. Actually, I guarantee that I don't have a political mind, heh.
But yeah, it was pretty awesome to be part of what was going on today. Everyone was just so focused and dedicated, and the level of energy was... over 9000, heh. And I was reading the news a little bit earlier--just doing some research on housing and stuff--and even though the market's still pretty volatile, I think there's a lot of opportunity in our area, as long as we're careful and sensible.
Sometimes I work at Dad's office over the summer, just to hang out with him, or to help Mom with dealing with computer issues or whatever, or just to see how he does his work and to give him a hand. I might do that this summer, but I've been talking to the Sergeant, and I have to say, that internship that I'm not supposed to talk about looks fucking sweet. Plus, I got a chance to talk to the shop where I've been getting all my stuff for my car and bike, and they're interested in giving me work, too, so I might be pretty busy.
Then again, I might just take them each as part time positions. I want to have some free time to learn another language, work on this business, and, of course, spend some time with Aleksandra. Maybe we could go to somewhere or something. I've pretty much hated traveling too much growing up, but I think that's starting to change, too.
It was actually really inspiring to be around Aleksandra. I think Dad and Aleksandra's dad were probably the hardest workers there, because they've got so much experience with this kind of stuff, so they were like in their zen. Mom was up there too, and so was Ben, who was the guy I got to work with. But Aleksandra was incredible for not being formally educated in what she was doing yet, and for being so young and inexperienced. You could tell that everyone was impressed, even her own dad, who's been around her for her whole life.
I guess she just keeps one-upping herself. He must be so proud of her. I know I would be. And, in a way, I'm kind of proud of her, too.
I make my parents proud, too. Mom told me on the way home. I make her and Dad so proud. I did on the 20th, but I always have. Always. And I always will, too.
5/14/09
Today was the second to last day of school. That means tomorrow is my last day in high school, forever.
I hadn't thought of it like that until now. It kind of... puts things in perspective, in a way. I mean, I'm already eighteen, but graduating is a big rite of passage. I guess I'm not really a kid anymore. I haven't been exactly childish for years, and I've had credit cards and stuff, and investments for a few years now, but this is like a big official step to becoming a full blown adult.
Pretty soon, I'll have a lot more responsibilities. But that's not a bad thing. I'll have more opportunities, too, and more freedoms. And having responsibilities is fun, and they definitely keep me on the straight and narrow, in a way. I guess the busier I am, and the more people I have reliant on me, the better of a person I become, I guess.
Anyway, I went to Johnston's today and hung out with him afterward for a while. He showed me that even though he's like legally a senior citizen, he can still do a perfect backflip, no sweat. It's really impressive and inspiring--I might have to train to do that pretty soon. Looks like it could be fun.
Getting a tux for the prom had completely slipped my mind until today, for some stupid reason, so I pretty much had to rush to town and try to pick one up last minute. I wasn't alone, though--there were plenty of guys from Rob Lee and Xavier there. Some of them had only just gotten dates, others were forgetful like me, but in the end, we all managed to get our stuff.
I guess Aleksandra must have gotten a dress relatively recently. I wonder what it's like. I wonder how she looks in it.
5/15/09
It's been a... really emotional day for me. It still is--but I'll start at the top.
I got up extra early this morning to get in some running before school. See, I realized that I probably wouldn't have time to do that later, and I was right, so I did a couple of laps around Fox Chase before I called it quits and got ready to head to school. Had breakfast with Mom and Dad--some nice waffles with chopped bananas and nuts, because Mom's an awesome chef even when she's half-asleep.
After that, I went to school. And I pretty much spent the whole day--everyone pretty much spent the whole day talking to people, saying our goodbyes and stuff. I have contact information for fucking everybody--phone numbers, email addresses, and all that. I could always find them on Facebook, I guess, but I don't know if I'll ever get into that stuff.
So, yeah, I shook a lot of hands today. And, well, even though I'm generally not a hug guy, I gave a lot of hugs, too.
You know, it really hit me as I was heading out after last period--I'm really, really gonna miss high school. I know--at least, I hope these past few years weren't the best years of my life, but I'll always look back at them kind of fondly, you know? They've had such a huge impact on who I am and who I'll become.
Heh. Actually, after last period, the principal kind of got a bullhorn and yelled at all of us to stop so that we could hear him, so we did, and would you believe it, but they actually just finished fixing and expanding Rob Lee. In under a month, they fixed that huge building complex and added onto it, and they got through all the safety red tape and all too so that we could have our prom where we all wanted to, in our auditorium.
None of us believed it, so every single Rob Lee kid--we all got into our vehicles and headed to the school at top speed. Even the kids who don't usually drive--the buses took them there, so it was like a fuckin' massive convoy of every kind of vehicle you can imagine, all barreling down the road to get to school, after the last day of school. And the teachers came too--I saw every last one of them there.
I came too, of course. And Aleksandra. With our bikes, we were at the front of the pack, and we were the first ones who rounded that corner, the one with the huge trees that are so tall and thick that you can't see through them or past them. We rounded that corner, and there it was, Rob Lee, in all its glory, with the new Takahashi wing attached.
It was hard to believe. But I drove around the school once, and then I parked with everyone else, and then I kind of came to accept that yeah, Rob Lee is back, and better than ever.
Most of the guys who weren't going to prom didn't go home. They just hung out in the parking lot, talking about anything to anyone. As Aleksandra and I were leaving, I saw the barbecue grills and hot dogs come out, so... I guess they all had a pretty good time while the rest of us were stressing out over trying to look our best, heh.
Me, I didn't have that tough of a time. I just went home, took a long shower, dried up, put on deodorant and cologne and put on my tux. And then I did my hair, and that was that--well, not exactly. Dad gave me his watch--not the one he usually wears, but the nice Movado he has for important stuff. He said that he had just bought it and happened to be wearing it when he met Mom, and he also wore it when they went to their college dances, and they're still together--in fact, they'll be together forever--so, he gave it to me and didn't say anything else, but he kind of looked me in the eye, and... well, I guess his hope was that Aleksandra and I will... end up the way he and Mom will.
So I wore the watch. My wrist's a lot smaller than his, but the strap fit and it fit perfectly. I'm still wearing it now, and... ah, I'll get to that later.
I had a long time to go before it was time for the limo to come, so... I just tried to keep myself busy and not as anxious. Polished my shoes a little. And... just thought about stuff, I guess. The future, the past, everything. Where I've been, where I'm going, and who I'm going there with.
A lot of stuff is still unknown. And I guess a lot of stuff will just develop. But I'll be able to control a lot of stuff, and one of the things I'm going to make sure is that this angel next to me right now stays like that--next to me.
I guess it came time for me to get up and head to prom eventually. Mom told me--she kind of knocked on the door and came in, and I guess I looked... uncertain, or something, because she kind of knelt down and told me not to be so nervous. And she hugged me--and... for the first time since I've been able to convey my emotions properly, I didn't hate it. I even hugged back without forcing myself to.
So, after that, I headed downstairs. Mom took a picture of me with Dad, then Dad took a picture of me with Mom, and then we set up a timed shot and took a picture of the three of us. And then I headed to Aleksandra's house to get her. I knocked on the door, her dad answered, and I said hi, shook hands with him, and asked him if Aleksandra's ready. And he just grinned and nodded his head and there she was.
She...
I guess I'll start at the top. With her hair.
She'd kind of gotten it into curls. Normally, Aleksandra's hair's kind of... not straight and completely textureless like mine and Dad's, but more like Mom's. Slightly wavy, with a lot more body. But she'd gotten it into curls, and kind of styled it a little so that they were around her face.
And her face was gorgeous. As always--but even more then than usually. Aleksandra's not exactly a makeup girl--on a day to day basis, I guess she doesn't wear much at all, if any, besides like lipstick. But today, she had on like... mascara, and lipgloss, and eyeshadow, and blush, and all that. Not too much--when I held her face, I didn't get the stuff on my fingers--but just a little. Just enough to accentuate how beautiful she is usually.
She didn't have anything on her arms or shoulders. Just her white, or off-white fur, with her dapples.
Her dress was pure white, though. It was a simple but really elegant design. Nothing too involved or tight or revealing or anything--just like a floor length white dress. And she was carrying her purse, and then I gave her a bouquet of flowers I'd bought, and that was all.
She really is beautiful. I say it a lot here, but it can never be said enough.
So, we kissed--just like real quick--and then the limo came. We got in, waved bye to Mom, Dad, and Aleksandra's Dad--which is kind of odd, since they saw us like just a little bit later when we walked into prom. But we did that, and then I guess we just talked to Browns, his girlfriend, and the two other couples there on the way to school. It was kind of cool. Pretty neat, actually. I'd never been in a limo before.
So we went to Rob Lee. Every single person from our graduating class was there, and all of their families, and their dates, too. Some underclassmen got invited and some guys from Xavier's, and maybe a few others. Rob Lee's a pretty big school, so we had money for this professional photographer who took all of our pictures as we went to the auditorium
And the auditorium itself... they'd done it up nice. There's this one club in school that's responsible for this kind of stuff--the Renaissance Club, I think--and they'd done a great job tonight. There were tons of decorations, sound equipment, a DJ, tables, food, everything. And everyone was there, so I had a chance to talk to all of the guys I've kind of known for years but have never really had a chance to talk to until now.
So Aleksandra and I talked to a ton of people. Since most of us, or at least a lot of us, are going to Fraser, this isn't goodbye. But Browns is going to MIT, and a couple of guys are going into the military. In fact, in two weeks, Jason, who's like quarterback for the football team, is getting shipped out to Afghanistan.
But I'm not worried about him. I've seen that guy shrug off hits from 300 pound linebackers, so a little IED isn't gonna make him blink, heh.
It's gonna be hard to keep track of everyone, though. And everything that's happened here. But that's why I've kept these logs--so that even if I can't remember exactly what happened or who it happened with, I'll be able to flick these open and know for sure.
And there will always be pictures. Aleksandra took a ton today with this camera her dad got her for her birthday. She took pictures of everyone--her and her friends, me and her, me and--me and my homedogs, heh. And me with our teachers, too. And there were more she took later.
So, I had a great time talking for a while, and then I realized, damn, I haven't asked Aleksandra to dance yet. Not that... I actually knew how to dance. I mean, I've never practiced or had any interest in it--I've never even really seen people dance before. But I took one look at her, and I told myself that I'm going to have to learn pronto, and then I asked her if she'd like to dance.
I think she was waiting for me to ask. Maybe she wasn't sure if I was ever going to. She looked a little surprised when I did ask her, but in a good way, and she said yeah, so... off we went.
Luckily, it started with a slow song, so I didn't fail that badly. It was still kind of awkward to start out, though. But Aleksandra just looked at me, took my hands, put them on her hips, and kind of showed me how to do it.
At first, I was really uncertain, but then I kind of started to get into it. Started to enjoy it. And I... kind of held her close and told her that I was having a great time, and that I hoped that she was, too. And she was--and I told her that I look forward to having more great times with her going into the future. She said that she can't wait to experience the future with me.
There are a few pictures of us dancing. More than a few, actually. One of her friends from the volleyball team--Danielle--had her phone out and got a couple of good ones before the song ended. And then there was a faster-paced song. I kind of wanted to leave, but Aleksandra didn't, so I stayed and danced with her as best as I could. I basically... to be honest, I owe a lot of credit to Will Smith, heh. I watched the movie... Hitch I think it's called, and I basically just stepped from side to side and snapped my fingers. Sometimes I threw a little twist in there, but fuckin'... I can do a spin kick in the air perfectly, but I tried to spin once and I almost tripped and fell on my ass, heh. So I just stepped from side to side and snapped my fingers after that.
It was kind of enjoyable. I didn't really know any of the music--I mean, my tastes are like... Marilyn Manson and extreme metal, so you could say that I'm pretty much a headbanger. So dancing to pop music was kind of fun, but not really. Maybe someday soon I'll get a chance to take Aleksandra to like a Behemoth concert or something, if she's into that kind of stuff. I think that would be better.
But this was pretty good. I danced with Aleksandra like... 75% of the time. But other girls wanted to dance with me too--just people I've known over the years, and Aleksandra was okay with it, and besides, she wanted to dance with Browns and some other guys, and I was fine with that, so that's how it turned out. I wasn't jealous of her at all, because I knew the guys she was with and I trusted them all... and, well, I was always kind of careful to be facing them, heh.
It's actually kind of weird. Guys have never liked me, but they've always kind of... respected and feared me. Girls just fear me and don't understand me at all. But that's not how it is anymore. Now, I kind of have the feeling that... they're kind of interested in me.
I'm not... really sure if I like it, heh. I mean, it's great to be friends, but the only girl I like in that sense--the only woman I'll ever like in that sense is Aleksandra. I'll have to talk to her about it later, so that we can work out ways to let people know that I'm not going to get poached from her.
On the other hand, if someone looks at Aleksandra wrong, I'll fuck them up!
Heh. Damn. I can't even pretend to be brutal and intimidating to myself. I mean, I'd still... do what's needed to protect Aleksandra, no matter what, and there's no mistaking that, but on the other hand I'm not going to be some jerk who pushes people around for hitting on her when they don't know that she's with me. Actually, I'd be surprised if Aleksandra doesn't get hit on a lot when we're in college. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, after all.
Anyway, I got tired of dancing after a while. So I sat down and watched Aleksandra dance with some of her friends. Took a few pictures of that and talked to some teachers, and then we all sat down to get some dinner.
The food was really good. It was Italian... and really authentic. Very tasty, and not heavy at all, so after dinner, we were dancing again, for just... hours on end. Until the end of the night. I don't really remember that many moments in particular, but the whole time was just... really, really great and memorable. It was an awesome way to end highschool--especially for me. Not a month ago, I didn't plan to live to see today, and before that, I had never intended to go to prom or the graduation ceremony. I think... even back then, I sort of knew, or sensed that I'd probably die before now.
But I'm here now. I'm alive, and well, and happier than I ever have been. And from here, things are only going to get better.
But I'll still miss Rob Lee. And I'll never forget the memories I've made here... the people I've met, my friends, my teachers, and just... faces in the hallway who contributed to making me who I am.
In a strange way, I wish David was here tonight. Not... as he usually is, or as he has been recently. But I was that he could have lived, and that he could have been here like he used to be, back when we were younger. I remember him, back in first and second grade. He was always a little, well, different, even next to me. And you could kind of tell that his life at home wasn't good. Half the time, he'd come in without lunch, and the other half, he'd come in bruised.
And, to be honest, the way I sometimes treated him in those days... I'm ashamed of it, I really am. I know I was just six or seven years old at the time, but... God damn it, looking back, I'm disgusted by what happened to him--what we all did to him. Not just his parents, but all of us. If we'd treated him a bit better, he wouldn't have turned out like this. If we'd treated him half-decently, he would have had a shred of moral fiber, and he wouldn't have done what he almost did last month.
But we failed. And now that kid's dead as a result. I know that I did the right thing at the time, but if things had happened differently years ago, I wouldn't have been in that situation, and I wouldn't have been forced to kill David, and maybe he'd be here with us now. Maybe he'd be dancing with Brittany--that's his girlfriend. She graduated last year, I guess, and she was pregnant... and she's dead. David killed her when he hit her, along with his unborn kid.
...
I don't hate David. Some people do, but I don't, and I never will. I... feel bad for him, and I feel for him, because I was so, so fucking close to being where he was on April 20th, 2009. As far as I'm concerned, it's a miracle that I didn't turn out a lot worse.
David's being buried at the Catholic church in a couple days. It's the same one Takahashi's buried at. Some people are going to picket it, I guess, but I'm going to go there and try to stop it. That kid had a Hell of a fucking life, and now he's dead, so I think he should be able to rest in peace.
...
Ah, God damn, David. You used to fucking bother me in first grade--follow me everywhere, try to be my friend, or my bodyguard, or something. I hated it at the time, and it scared me and I didn't understand it, but I do now. You admired me, and you looked up to me like I was your big brother--more than your own big brother, who was a dope fiend and who probably abused you worse than your parents did. And he's dead now, too, just like your parents, who killed themselves in jail last night.
Nothing I can do can bring you back, or change who you became. But... just rest in peace, man. I'll be at your funeral, and every April 20th for the rest of my life, I'll remember what happened and what almost happened, and what we can do--what we have a responsibility to do--to make sure it never happens again.
...
At the end of prom, Aleksandra and I got announced King and Queen. Which was great, it really was. We're gonna package the tiara and crown carefully so that they don't get damaged... in fact, I think Mom's on that right now. And after that, we got our graduate certificates, and we were free to go home or dance until dawn if we wanted to.
But I didn't want to do any of that. I told Aleksandra what I wanted to do, and she came with me.
We snuck out of the auditorium. And then we snuck around school, taking pictures and just going into classrooms to hang out.
I told Aleksandra everything about me. Every room we sat in had a story for me. Every classroom, the gym, every hall, even the administrative offices--and we snuck into those, too, and I told her everything about my high school years. I'm really glad I got the opportunity to do it, even though I kind of, well, bent the rules to do it.
We hung out in Takahashi's room for a while. It was the last room we went to. Actually, it's not exactly Takahashi's room anymore, is it, because of the new guy--but a lot of his stuff is still there. Even though a lot of stuff got destroyed in explosions or set on fire, a lot of his stuff survived--like, notebooks, those framed quotes he has, and all that. So, it looks like his legacy will go on--his spirit's still in that room, and in the new part of Rob Lee--Hell, it's all over Rob Lee, and I guess part of it's in me, too.
I'm going to treasure his belongings, when I get them. They're still tied up in legal limbo for some dumb reason, but when that's over, I'll make sure that they're taken care of.
So I talked about myself a lot in Takahashi's room. I kind of realized that--and I felt a little guilty, because Aleksandra was kind of being quiet, but she told me it was okay. She told me she wanted to know me--every single part of me. So I said, well, you know, that's all well and good, but I want to know about her too.
But she's a cheeky girl. She shook her head no, so I told her to stop being such a secretive snow leopardess, but she just laughed and said that since I told her my life story in my high school, she'll tell me hers when we go to her high school.
So... arrest me now, Sergeant. Heh. I'm planning to go to a foreign country to break into a high school to talk to my girlfriend. And I'm going to do it, too. Not over the summer, but maybe... probably over the winter. The original plan was to go to Russia, but I've never actually been there, so it's not my homeland the way Ukraine is Aleksandra's. I guess the US is my homeland... this is where I was born and where I've been raised, and even though I eat pelmeni and fish soup, I also eat hotdogs and meatloaf.
...
So, eventually, Aleksandra and I headed back into the auditorium. We danced one more time, and then we left. I was thinking of calling Dad to pick us up--I actually hadn't thought of how to get home after the prom--but then I saw that my bike was in the parking lot with the keys on the seat. There were no helmets or safety gear, but I looked at Aleksandra for about have a second before I knew what she wanted.
So we got on my bike and we just drove. We drove for... I guess about two, almost three hours. It was pitch black out, and at some points it was foggy and rainy and we were wearing our best clothes, but that didn't stop us. We just drove--and there wasn't a car on the road, so we drove fast. I must have pushed it to... over ninety, anyway. At least a hundred miles an hour at some points. If we'd hit anything... it wouldn't have been good. At all. But we didn't--we just drove as fast as we could, and I somehow knew we weren't going to get hurt.
I dunno. Maybe it's because kids our age have these delusions that they're invincible, but I dunno. Tonight, I really, really felt like nothing could happen to me. I felt... so free that half the time, I wasn't on my bike--it was just me and Aleksandra, racing each other through the air.
Eventually, we got to the ocean. Which is weird--actually, considering how much I ride my bike, it's weird that I've never been there before. I always explore other directions, so... but anyway, we got to the ocean. It was just... the road ended, and there was some grass, and a tiny boardwalk, and then the waves, and then the sea.
I stopped and turned the bike off, and asked Aleksandra if she wanted to swim. She said yeah, so we took off most of our clothes and just dived right in.
I... never actually learned how to swim. It's not that I'm afraid or that I dislike water, it's just something I never really bothered to learn to do. But Aleksandra knows how to swim, and really well, and in maybe ten minutes, she had me diving and just... propelling myself through the water and grabbing her like I was a shark, heh. And then we swam out as far as we could, and just treaded water for a while, and just used the moonlight to look at each other.
We kissed. A few times. In fact, we... may have gone a bit further than kissing. But then we just held each other.
We were... I don't know how far out from the shore. Anything could have happened to us--in theory, anyway. But I've never felt safer or more untouchable than I have in that girl's arms.
Eventually we swam back to shore and sat down on the beach to rest for a while. Just... we just looked over the water and held hands, and then, we started to kiss again. For a long, long time.
At one point, I kind of stopped and ran my hands through her hair--her perfect blond hair--and looked her in the eye. I... for a minute, I didn't say anything. She's just so beautiful that I...
...
I asked her if she wanted to go further. Further than, you know, kissing, and... and touching each other a little bit. She said yes, she definitely did, and then she asked me if I wanted to, you know, go all the way with her. She said that she's barely ever kissed anyone besides me, but she's willing to do everything with me. She's willing to give everything she has to me, and that if I want it, all I have to do is ask.
I was kind of overwhelmed for a moment. But then, you know what, I realized that I didn't actually feel pressured at all. I knew that no matter what I said or did, she'd accept it, and love me just the same. That's why I...
Heh. I don't need to write down what happened next. I'll remember it for the rest of my life.
...
Anyway, Aleksandra's asleep now. She's kind of on my lap. I'm sitting on the grass and just looking at her, and the sea, and... thinking about the future. I guess each day is like the waves, because it comes, and then it's gone, and then the next one comes, but nothing can ever change what has happened. All you can do is embrace what's going to happen and deal with it in any way that you can.
That's why I'm so hopeful about the future. I'm not afraid of it--I'm a little intimidated by it, but I'm not afraid of it at all. I'm ready--I'm looking forward to embracing the future and whatever opportunities it holds for me and my loved ones. I know... things aren't always going to be as easy or as beautiful as they are tonight, but if I can have a tenth of the happiness and beauty as I've had tonight, just time to time, that'll be enough for me.
As long as Aleksandra stays with me. As long as Aleksandra's with me, and as long as I have my parents, and my friends, and things to challenge and interest me, somehow everything will work out for the best. I know that. And I... I can't wait for the future, to be honest. I'll take every day as a blessing and an opportunity, and I'll be damned if I don't rise to meet every challenge that I encounter. I have so much energy and hope right now that I feel like I could wrestle Atlas and win.
...
Ah, man. I can't sleep. Heh. I really should, but I can't. It's still pitch black out here, and Aleksandra's still all snuggled up next to me, and we're out in the open. I kind of put my jacket over her, but it's not cold, or hot, or rainy, or anything--it's absolutely perfect out here, just for the two of us.
Soon, it'll be dawn. It'll be a new day... the first day of summer. I'll make it a busy day--I'm gonna do MMA and running and basketball, and I'm going to make a decision about the internship and working at the shop. I'm also going to trade stock and work on my Swedish, and then I'm going to start looking into getting Dad to buy an apartment building near Fraser. Originally, I was planning to live at home and commute, but the place is like an hour and a half away, and besides... now I kind of have a roommate in mind, heh. She's on my lap right now... just smiling and purring a little bit, so I know that she's happy.
Oh, Aleksandra. I know I say it a lot, but I can never say it enough--you're the most beautiful, smart, wise, brave, cool, kind, sweet, and loving girl I'll ever meet. You're... I know we're young, but I know that you're the perfect woman--the perfect woman for me. You're the one I want to spend my life with... I want to do everything with you. And someday soon, I'll tell you that, and I'll promise myself to you until death do us apart.
I guess... just by having that thought, it's really time for me to stop writing in this log book. After all, I promised I'd only keep logs like this until I'm done with high school, or when I become an adult, and... when you have feelings like this for someone else--when you'd die for them in a heartbeat without a second thought--I guess that's when you really are grown up.
I'll keep track of what I'm doing in other ways, though. Maybe I'll finally get a Facebook account, or maybe I'll keep logs on a computer, or videos, or audio tapes... I dunno. But I'll have to pick something good, that's for damn sure, because I'll be doing a lot in the days... and the weeks, and the months, and the years to come.
...
Heh. I could never have guessed that things would have turned out like this. Now, I have it all, and now I know how little I had, and... how close I was to losing that. I think... things could have turned out really badly for me.
But here I am, with everything, on the verge of becoming all I can become. Now, I'm... I'm not just looking forward to the next day, but the future in general. I really am, even though I'll never forget who I was, or who I almost become... or the angels I have to thank for making me who I am and who I will become. I'll never forget any of them.
I... guess that's all I have to write, so... goodbye, Log Book for 2009.
Hello, Sun. Hello, tomorrow.
Hello, Aleksandra.
You're so beautiful.
2010
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5/28/30
Wow, I thought that I'd lost this old thing. I haven't seen it for years, and after we moved last winter, I searched for it for ages but couldn't find it, and no one knew where it was. But here it is.
I... can't believe how seriously I took this stuff. Even back then--I mean, I don't use pen and paper anymore for a reason. But back then I did, and just flipping through here, it looks like I wrote a log for pretty much every day, except for when I was sick. I--oh, Jeez, there's the documents the Sergeant gave me. These really shouldn't be here at all; I mean, they're classified stuff.
Eh. It's been twenty years. I guess it's okay now, heh.
Except, the Sergeant's not a Sergeant anymore. Now, he's Director for the whole... actually, I shouldn't write that down, heh. But he's been my boss here and there over the years, and for good reason. The man's a genius--I mean, half the time when I'm around him, I can feel him trying to... well, I don't want to say that I feel him trying to dumb down his thoughts, but... that's what I mean, I guess. Heh.
And he's remarried now. Only just since last year, though. I've pretty much been in constant contact with him, and the feeling I've gotten is that he's just so busy that he never really had time for all that stuff, what with his job and spending time with his son and grandkids. But he found someone last year, just like I always knew he would, and she's a really, really sweet lady--we all met her at the Christmas last year, when I was working on the--that is, when I was working on the big project that I started when I was an intern. She's Indian--Indian American--from Cali, and she teaches at Fraser. She's a really smart, nice lady.
Sort of like Diana--that's Viktor's wife. And, err, Viktor's Aleksandra's father's name, heh. It took him forever to get me to refer to him by his first name, but I worked at it, and now... Viktor this, Viktor that, all over the place, heh.
Anyway, Diana and Viktor married about... gosh, I guess it'd be about fifteen years ago, now. It was right when Aleksandra and I were finishing up school. He met her through work--he and Dad were looking around this town about a half hour away from here, and they decided to have lunch. And that town had a big Polish population, so they went into one of the Polish places, and Diana was the owner, so... heh, fast forward about ten months, and they got married, and now, I have a brother- and sister-in-law who are going to Rob Lee, just like I did--just like Sam is. And Sam's best friends with them--they hang out all the time and--oh, I guess I'd better say who Sam is, heh.
Sam is my boy. He's my first born son. Technically, his full name is Samir, but everyone calls him Sam. Even I do.
Actually, technically, he's not... biologically related to me or Aleksandra. We adopted him when he was... just a few weeks old, I guess.
It was after we'd finished up at Fraser's. After we'd finished our undergrad and grad studies there, I mean. We decided to go on a little vacation for a few weeks before I had to start work, and one of the places we went to was Orissa, in India. Actually, there's a whole story to that, too--how we got there, I mean, and the headache I had trying to convince that old customs official that I'm not horribly sick, but my hair's just really pale naturally--but let's focus on Sam.
So, we were just hanging out, heading into shops and stuff, trying out our really tenuous grasp of Hindi, when we saw this orphanage.
It... it was a terrible, horrible sight. I mean, the place was falling apart, and the sanitation was just... and the kids, man, they were practically walking skeletons... it was just awful. It--I couldn't bear to see it, so we went in and started to talk to the director about what kind of money he needed. At least, I was doing that, and Aleksandra was helping out with the kids because the place was horribly understaffed.
I had just sealed the deal with the director--Prasad--and he's still there, doing his job perfectly; we hear from him every couple months when we send over cash. Anyway, I had just sealed the deal with him, and we were shaking hands, and Aleksandra walks in with this tiny little infant in her arms. He was... so small, and so weak--I couldn't believe he was still alive, because he was horribly malnourished--but we got him to a hospital pronto--one of the good, private ones--and the little guy made it.
We didn't know what his name was. Turned out, he didn't technically have a name, because he was just dropped off, because his mother was Hindu and his father was Muslim--or vice versa, who knows?--so we called him Samir, because it can be a Muslim or a Hindu name.
I knew from the beginning that Aleksandra wanted to keep him. Just from the way she held him, I knew that.
At the time, I wasn't... sure that I was ready to be a father. I mean, we had talked about having kids, of course, and we had tried to, starting in our last year of school. But before finals week, Aleksandra went to a fertility clinic, and they told her that she'd probably never be a mother, so...
I wasn't upset about it. I really wasn't. Being parents isn't for everyone, and besides, without kids, I figured we could travel more, and plus, we'd have our home to ourselves. So, I never really made the mental preparation to be father at all, but all of a sudden, I'm supposed to be a father to this--to this little fuzzball.
I couldn't say no, though. I mean, Aleksandra wanted it, and... to be honest, when I held the little guy, I thought, wow, you know, this isn't so bad. And he's kind of cute, with his like pitch black hair and green eyes, so... how bad can it be, really?
So I said yes, and we did the paperwork, and we adopted Sam, and brought him home.
To be honest, when he was growing up, I... I never really felt a connection with him. Don't get me wrong--I loved playing with the little guy, or helping him with his homework, or teaching him about math or English or whatever--but I never really... felt like he was my son. I mean, even then I'd die for him, just like I would for Aleksandra, but I never really... I felt closer to Mike and Sarah, and they're my step-siblings.
But then, one day when he was ten, I came home from work, and I did all the usual stuff. Did some MMA--I guess it was at Johnston's... third place, I guess? I really don't know, and it's hard to keep track of them now, considering how many he has. Heh--that old man spent so many years at his one school, but now he's got like fifteen, and even though he's got to be ninety now, at least, he's still going like a maniac.
So, anyway, I went to MMA, and then me and Sam headed out for a run--or, in his case, a bike ride, like we usually did. He asked me about work, and I asked him about school, and it turned out he had some project where he had to write about his hero, so I asked him who his hero was. And I figured it would be Spider-Man or something, but then he told me that his hero was me, because... because of how good of a person I am to do what I do, to be who I am, and because I saved him and all of the other kids at that orphanage.
I... pretty much stopped running in my tracks. He got maybe twenty feet ahead before asking me what was wrong, and I just said, nothing, and went over and gave him a hug. And starting that day, we became a lot closer, and he really did become my boy--my first son, even though--heh, even though it turned out the fertility doctors were wrong, big time, because Jack and Hannah were six at the time, Chris was five, and Ryu was three.
Ryu's named after Takahashi, of course. My old Physics teacher... the man who's getting a building at Fraser named after him this fall. The man who I named my third son after--and the man whose spirit that kid channels. He's just nine years old, but that kid can outthink me at times.
Which isn't to say that Sam or Jack or Hannah or Chris are stupid--not at all. Not by a long shot. Sam's already got his full ride to Fraser secured, and Jack's at the top of his class--except for his sister, heh. And Chris is like... he's great at hard sciences and everything, but he's just fascinated by the written word, like literature and poetry and stuff. He's gotten some of his stuff published in pretty big magazines, and in like two months, his first novel's coming out, so... I'm really proud of the kid. No one in our family's really that good with that stuff except for him, and he excels at it.
And he excels at swimming, too. He's really, really good at it. It's sort of like how good Jack is at soccer, or how good Hannah is at horseback riding, but even more than that. I think... someday, if he keeps practicing, he might be Olympic level, actually.
I'd say the same thing about Sam and basketball, but he's got an unfair advantage. He was always short growing up, or like... average, at best, but now, the kid's 6'8" and still shooting up, which makes him about... three inches taller than me, which... I don't really like, at all. Heh.
Ah, kids. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was in Rob Lee. Back then, those were--actually, those weren't the days. I had a lot of fun when I was in my teens and twenties and stuff, but I can honestly say that things have only gotten better since then. Right now, I'm having the time of my life, and things are only looking up. Dad's and Viktor's business is booming, and they call me in for work there all the time, and Mom works at Davidson Technologies, which is like the new Bell Labs. She's the one who thought up the new series of superconductors, which let us pump DC current from here to Alaska in the blink of an eye. Diana's place is doing great, and since it's so close to where I work, I head in there for lunch all the time. I'd make a joke about her pierogies being no good for my waistline, but I still have abs, so... I guess not, heh.
And Aleksandra's doing well, of course. I always thought that she'd be an accountant, but these days, she does mostly business stuff. Her company consults for all kinds of things, which is really wonderful, because it gives us the inside scoop on tons of great deals. Just two years ago, we bought this fish farm an hour from here, and it's booming. We actually put Sam in charge of it for the most part, just to give him some experience and a feel for what he'd like to do for his career. Jack and Hannah mostly work with their grandparents--just doing simple stuff, because they're still kids--and I talked to a few of my old humanities professors from Fraser, and I'm going to send Chris over there on weekends to study and perfect his craft, because he's got a gift that I can't help him develop.
And of course Ryu's gonna go places, with a brain like that. I'm... actually kind of tempted to send him to a private school, but at the same time, I think he should have the exposure that you get at public schools... to all different kinds of people, I mean. I don't think he'd get that kind of exposure at a private school.
I dunno. We'll see. Maybe I'll give him to Mom this summer to see what she can do for him. He doesn't spend enough time with his paternal grandparents. I know he loves them, but he's always liked being with Viktor and Diana a lot more since the day he was born.
Eh. He likes bikes. And these days, Dad's doing a lot of custom work on bikes, which is... odd, seeing as how he doesn't like to ride them--but I'm not judging, heh. So I'll see if I can get him to do something with Dad.
Or, I could send all of the kids to Orissa over the summer. Maybe Aleksandra and I could join them--Mr. Prasad's been begging us to come see him for a while, and I'd love to see the orphanage again personally. And I think the kids would gain a lot from working in charity. Sam sure as Hell did, but he's basically a Boy Scout--he's got... such a powerful sense of right and wrong. Half the time, I feel that he's as much of a father to his siblings as I am. I love that kid, even though he'll probably tower over me by the time he's eighteen, heh.
I love all of my kids. All of my family--and of course I love Aleksandra, too. She's the one I have to thank for this--for all of what I have. Every day I find a new way to love her, or a new reason, and she still impresses me and inspires me all the time. I think that's the reason all of us are so prosperous. We don't compete with each other, exactly, but it's always... we're always looking at each other and saying, "Wow, that's amazing; let me see if I can become that good at what I do."
It's no surprise to anyone that Aleksandra and I have continued to love each other so much over the years. What surprised everyone, myself included, is that I actually became religious over the years. I'm not... devout, but I do try to go to church at least once a month, and I do believe in God. Well, actually, I'm not entirely sure, but I do think that believing in God beats the Hell out of the alternative, so, there you are, heh.
I feel old, at times. But not in the bad way. I'm still--I'm fit as a bull moose, heh. But I feel... accomplished. I really do. I mean, I've done so much, and I'm not even forty yet. I'm raising five kids, and I'm accomplishing so much at work and my investments. I'm always learning something--these days I'm trying to learn to paint--and I can honestly say that every day is an adventure. Every day is a challenge, but every day is an adventure, too. And I'm glad I--
Oop, that's Aleksandra. Oh, Jeez--I didn't realize people were getting here already. Son of a gun, this is my own--and I'm gonna be late--and the last thing I'll do in my life is to disappoint Aleksandra or embarrass her, because she's the angel who saved me from myself.
So, see you later, Log Book for 2009. I'll scan you into my computer soon--real soon, I promise--but for now, I have a much, much more pressing engagement.
The final house at the end of a recently-constructed road belonged to Alexander and Aleksandra Rindenko. The other two belonged to Alex's parents and Aleksandra's parents respectively, and all three residences were scaled-up versions of those found in new developments all over the Xavier-Rob Lee school district.
There were set so that while they were within reasonable driving distance of major points of interest in town, they were relatively isolated from main roads. A recently planted apple orchard near the deviation that led to these three houses furthered their separation, and the densely forested nature of the whole area lent itself to a general atmosphere of privacy and seclusion.
That day, however, Alexander Rindenko's house was far from secluded. Dozens of cars choked his driveway and the roadway leading up to his house, because dozens of people were visiting him that shining day in May, 2030. Some were friends from work, others were friends from Fraser University, and many were friends from Rob Lee and before. Some were even Aleksandra's childhood friends--these relative few had moved to the US and were happy and proud to see their friend after decades of correspondence by only phone or letter.
Many of the guests had children of their own. These young people--the new generation, the living legacy of its parents--played together, or sat and talked in the sunshine. Some of their conversations were silly--frivolous, even--but like their parents before them, they, too, spoke about the future, and the challenges and opportunities it might bring.
Soon, dinner would be served. After that, the children would be allowed to play with sparklers, and Alex, his father, and his father-in-law would set up larger fireworks that would shoot into the air and explode over the deep blue, placid lake at the back of his property.
The whole time, Alex would never be far from Aleksandra. Throughout their marriage, they'd rarely been more than an hour's travel of one another, and that evening, they'd never be more than a minute's travel from one another.
It was, after all, their twentieth anniversary, and everything--the people, the preparations, the food and the activities--was there to affirm the love and the life that they had created together.
In time, the ceremony would end. But as they kissed for the first time that night, to the applause and cheers of their friends and family, Alex and Aleksandra knew that their love never would...
5/28/2012
(I don't think there's much left to say about the story at this point.
I hope that after reading this and the original ending of Lone Tiger, you have a very good appreciation of just how bad things can get for those of us who are a little different. Apart from that, I was surprised that I was able to put as much emotion into this ending as the amount which went into the original piece, and we all know how that turned out.
One of the biggest challenges I encountered in writing this piece was trying to keep Alex personal, and yet continue to emphasize just how socio/psychopathic he is, or can be. Since I had more time to do flashes back to his childhood, or talk about his parents and such things, I feel that you now have a much greater handle on who he is, and how no matter who you are, he's not so very different from you after all.
Anyway, Lone Tiger is now finished. I'm pretty sure that there's nothing more I could possibly do or say with this series that hasn't been done already, so, goodbye, Lone Tiger.
Remember to review, fave, vote, and watch. See you in the future.)