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The Porn Note

Chapter 5: Life and Death on Line 3

By Draconicon

"...I'm dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead."

"If I had that power, you'd be the third person to suffer that fate, Terrorist. But I don't, so you're safe...for now."

That wasn't very reassuring for the mouse, and he shuddered as he leaned back against the headboard of the bed. Lord Jonah stared back at him, the stag glaring down his muzzle through the communicator link.

"Do you have any idea of what you have unearthed?"

"You mean the book?"

"Of course I mean the book! What do you think I mean, an ancient recipe for fried chicken?!"

Malcolm blinked, staring as the stag took a moment to recompose himself. In all the years that he had seen the broadcasts of Lord Jonah, he had never, ever seen the stag lose his composure like that before. The head of System did not do that. He'd been half-convinced that the ruler of System simply didn't have emotions, before this.

Yet...

"Terrorist. I have one offer for you, and one offer only. I advise you to take it."

"...I'm listening."

"You have in your possession a magic book. The...Book of Porn, I believe it calls itself."

"It calls - what do you mean, 'it calls itself?'"

"I see that you are as uneducated as you are lewd."

He bit back a more sarcastic response. Sure, the ruler of all System states didn't have the power to kill anyone with his book, but that didn't mean that he didn't have the capability to reach out and pluck him like a ripe apple. Sys-Sol was likely mobilizing, and he doubted that his meager traps would be able to hold them off for long.

So, he swallowed his pride, putting on as meek an expression as he could manage - which was pretty meek, being a mouse - and lowered his head.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to press."

"At least you have some small sense. You know when you're outmatched."

"I do. Please. Enlighten me."

"I see no reason why I should. My offer is simple enough. Bring me the book, and I will ensure that you lack nothing for the rest of your life."

He blinked.

"...I'm sorry?"

"Your book is a menace. I intend to remove that menace from the world, and from System, in particular. If you bring it to me, as my original subordinate was instructed to, then I will ensure that you have no problems for the rest of your life."

"That is...most generous, Lord Jonah."

More than generous, for that matter. Malcolm was already thinking of all the problems that would solve. The idea of actually having enough money to live on rather than hoping for the charity of the university to extend another month would be amazing. The chance to actually eat good food would be wonderful. The chance...

The chance to see his mother healed, brought up the list for the treatment that she needed rather than simply going to the Unaligned States to have a prolonged attempt at recovery...

He looked away from the stag for a moment, glancing down at the notebook itself. The Book of Porn...It was an incredibly powerful item, but it was just...fun. He had done a lot with it that would have been impossible, but -

Bzzzzzzzt! Bzzz bbzzz bbzzztt!

He glanced up at his screen again, saw that the blue-white background that dominated the majority of the screen was getting nudged to the side. A red-black one replaced about half the screen, and a multi-armed silhouette stepped up to dominate the new half.

"About time that tech got through...I've been trying to talk for the last minute."

"You?" Jonah snorted. "Get out. This is a private System communication."

"Yeah? Well, good thing I decided to hop in, because it looks like you're talking to someone that isn't entirely in your system, Jonesy."

"My name is Jonah."

"And mine's Greydrone. Head of Crypto. Nice to meet you, Malcolm."

The mouse stared, his mouth dropping open. Head of Crypto, the owner of the Book of Death, and probably the most feared person on this side of the globe. If he hadn't already shrunk back against the head of his bed, he probably would have. Hell, for that matter, the mouse was at the edge of burying himself under his blankets.

Oh god, oh god...both of them...both...

"Hey, hey, Malcolm. Stay with us for a minute here. Grown-ups are talking, and time for you to join us."

"Greydrone, I suggest that you stop talking."

"Yeah, bite me. You think I'm letting you have a free shot with this? Not fucking likely."

This isn't happening. This isn't happening, he thought, but even as he closed his eyes, he could see the pair of world leaders on the other side. They were fighting. They were fighting in front of him, and there was no way that this could end well. Magic books bullshit was going to unfold, and he was going to be a helpless victim, and he might die, or he might get hit with who knew what other magic they could summon, and -

"Oh, fuck, now look at it. We're gonna give him a fucking heart attack."

"...I do not see the problem with that."

"You seriously want to risk him popping a gasket right now? This fucker's got the third book, and even if you know where he lives, good fucking luck finding it again if he goes."

"I suppose you have a point. Malcolm!"

Long years of hearing the stag on various projections, every day hearing commands and learning to respond to them, snapped him back to the moment. The mouse stared at his communicator screen, looking back and forth between the two people staring back. One silhouetted in dark red, the other in light blue, and it looked like a morality choice in a video game. He shuddered at the implications.

The stag finally seemed to have gotten some control over himself, and Jonah cleared his throat.

"As I was saying. My offer to bring the book to me, in exchange for the resources to live in comfort for the rest of your life, still stands."

"Bullshit."

"You know that I deliver on my promises, Greydrone," the stag said, giving a side-eye to the other image. "I give my word."

"Yeah, to destroy that fucking book."

"Destroy..."

His fingers tightened on the book, and he felt a tingle. Not strong, but something of one, enough to snap him out of his shock. The mouse shook his head.

"I...is that even possible?"

"I do not know. However, I do believe that it is in the best interests of the world to see a book of such...perversity...destroyed."

Despite his own feelings on the matter, he could see that. He still remembered the things that he had seen written in the notebook when he picked it up, and what had been done to the System girl he'd seen in the alley. She'd been raped by it, even though the book turned most things consensual. It warped reality to make things happen, and in the wrong hands...

Greydrone laughed, the demon shaking his head. Several arms raised on the right, rubbing the back of a thick head.

"You know, Jonesy, I can't help but think you're not mentioning something here. What could it be? Hmm. Hmmmmmm."

"I am asking you to remain civil, Greydrone. I am doing what I can to keep the peace. You can offer me the same -"

"Riiiiiiight, by lying to the guy who has the third book."

The demon glanced his way.

"Tell you what, kid. You ask me anything that you want to know, I'll tell ya."

"You?" Malcolm blinked. "Why?"

"Because it fucks with whatever Jonesy is planning, and anything that does that makes me happy. Besides, maybe you might want to bring that book my way, and we can have a little fun."

The angel or the devil, indeed, he thought with a slight shake of his head. He looked down at the book again, flipping towards the front page. The ancient-looking writing told him that there was something powerful about this book, and they had mentioned it as 'the third book.' Was there more than just the three, then? Was this 'toy' of a book equal in power to the other two?

He stroked the top of it, remembering the chase just a few hours ago. How Jonah had been hanging in the helicopter, ignoring the command he wrote. How it had scared him. He looked up again.

"How did Jonah ignore the command in the book?"

"Heh, one of those safeguards, kid. These books?"

The demon held up his, and for the first time, the mouse had a good look at the feared Book of Death. The front was a pure black with shifting red lettering, almost seeming to float off the front before reappearing on the matte. It sent a shiver down his spine just looking at it, almost like it was pulling at his life just by being in view. Thankfully, Greydrone put it down again.

"These books protect us from each other. I can't directly fuck with Jonah over there -"

"Just as I cannot attempt to heal him of his madness while he holds his book."

"Ain't madness when you're right, Jonesy."

"So, when I...wrote for him to strip..."

"HAHAHAHAHAH!"

Greydrone fell out of the camera shot, while the stag rolled his eyes.

"Yes, your attempt failed because I was holding the Book of Life. Were you to have used that command on anyone else in the vicinity, it would have succeeded."

That was...something of a problem. If he couldn't affect the two people that were most dangerous to him, then the book was going to be a target on his back. That said...if they couldn't affect him either...

Greydrone continued laughing, the sound echoing throughout the channel and making it hard to hear anything else. Three times, Lord Jonah tried to speak, until he finally gave up and lifted a blue and white book. It burned to look at, hurting him in a different way than the Book of Death did. Instead of draining him, it felt like it was filling him, driving him to expand to painful levels.

A few little flicks of a pen, and something exploded on the red and black screen. The laughter stopped immediately, and Greydrone leaped back to his feet, looking around.

"What - Jonah, you son of a bitch."

"I was meaning to speak. You, however, were interrupting me."

"That doesn't mean you get to blow up my fish tank by steam 'purifying' the water!"

"..."

He had been in awe of these two for years, and now, he saw them for what they were. Angry, annoyed, and completely crazy people with the powers of gods. He stared as they went back and forth, Greydrone writing something in his book and a scream coming from Jonah's side as someone died, followed by a scratching sound as something else was 'purified' on Greydrone's side. The channel was corrupted as the Book of Death tried to kill communications, only for it to be resurrected a few seconds later by the Book of Life.

Pettiness, utter pettiness ruled the pair of them, and he was the one that was stuck right in the middle. Malcolm shook his head slowly as he realized that he was more fucked than he had originally thought.

The clash finally ended as Jonah used his book to invigorate the lights, making them explode over Greydrone. It left the demon in darkness, and the head of Crypto groaned.

"Okay, fine. We'll end it there, for now."

"I am so glad that you finally see it my way."

Even though one screen was completely dark and the other was completely light, he could feel the eyes of both world leaders pointed back at him again. He realized that they were still waiting for an answer from him, and he shivered as he felt their attention focusing down on him.

Questions. He needed more questions.

"What did you mean when you said the...the book calls itself the Book of Porn?"

"Heh, Jonesy figured out that one. You want to tell him?"

"Must I?"

"If you don't want to, I can always -"

"Fine.Fine."

The stag shook his head.

"The books are...how do I put this? They are leftover pieces of primordial energy, the essence of what began the cycle of life, death, and...procreation, let us say. They solidified into different things as the world went on, from stone tablets to papyrus, to scrolls, and finally to books...and notebooks. I imagine once datapads become universal, they will transfer to that form, as well.

"As a result, they are more than technology, and more than magic. They are part of the initial formation of existence, and our passage through it to the next, as well as the part of us that continues its existence between generations. Because of this rather formidable force -"

"They basically got a mind of their own, tl;dr."

"...I swear, if I could affect you with this, I would 'heal' that mouth of yours and that tongue of its incessant abbreviations."

"Hey, it got the point across."

"Wait, wait." He shook his head. "You're telling me that all three books...are basically alive?"

"They are not basically alive, Malcolm. They are exactly alive. Without someone to hold them and direct them, they create their own results, often in much more intrusive ways than what we direct them to do. My book could, theoretically, decide to raise every dead man across the Saharan Desert, emptying the dunes of those that died in its crossings."

"And mine? Best guess, it's considering a tsunami somewhere right now."

"By holding them and utilizing them, their magic is drained, and used in something useful, rather than in the expulsion that the books direct across the world at random."

He slowly looked down at the book in his hands. The Book of Porn. The things that the Book of Life and the Book of Death could do were...impressive, to say the least. They could destroy and grant life on a massive scale, and could do it with or without the owner's permission, it seemed. They were literal embodiments of forces beyond human control, yet in the form to be controlled if you knew what you were doing.

And this one...

It warped reality, he remembered. It didn't just heat water, or stop a heart, or anything. It created new things. It changed what was in that church. It altered minds and...

If the other two were weapons, this was something of a different order. No wonder Jonah wanted it destroyed. If it didn't have an owner, then it could warp things around until the world wasn't recognizable anymore.

But...

"Why haven't we noticed this? If they can do this...and they've been around that long...why hasn't the world already died or -"

"Heh, what makes you think it hasn't?"

He was almost certain his heart stopped for a second, his eyes going wide. Greydrone nodded.

"You see now? The books? You don't even notice what they do, sometimes. If they're acting on their own, you never notice what they're doing. I found that out real quick; this thing's killed the world five times, and the other book brought it back four times. Yours brought it back once. Every time, nobody remembers. It's just as if it never happened. As if we were always living in the world that we're in now."

He was starting to see why Greydrone seemed so crazy. If someone had learned that, and held the book that did it in their hands, how did one remain sane? How did anyone manage to keep sane holding onto these things, knowing what they could do?

"We are wasting time here."

Brought back to reality, he looked back at Jonah. The stag stood in front of a console, now, his hands lingering over a large number of buttons.

"I know where you are, Malcolm. I have made my offer. Are you going to accept it, or do I send in Sys-Sol to remove you from your home?"

"Hey, hey, I didn't even get the chance to make my offer yet." Greydrone chuckled. "Get that pretty little ass over here, Mal, and I'll make sure that you're safe from Jonah. And besides, imagine the stuff we can do to him when he's got to worry about Death and whatever you want to do with that thing. We can really mess with the System then."

"Um..."

Malcolm shook his head. The initial temptation to give the book over to Jonah - something that had sounded good at the time - was dying quickly. He didn't want to see the stag throwing something like this away. If it was a primordial force, if it was something that had seen people get started in the world and had enforced their growth ever since, then what would happen if it was destroyed? It was the Book of Porn. Would life even have the urge to keep breeding in order to keep bringing more generations into the world? What would happen to their sex drives?

That said, he definitely didn't want to go running to Crypto. Greydrone headed an organization that poisoned the air, polluted the food, and generally made life miserable for everyone in System, and a good number of people on the border territories between the two clusters of nations. He basically waged war with his book. He didn't want to think about what he'd want with this.

"I said, are you going to accept my offer, Malcolm?"

"...."

"You have five seconds."

"..."

"Four."

Say something!

"Three."

The mouse flipped open the book. There was no choice between the pair of them. Just the choice to do what he needed to survive. He took his pen and started writing, hearing Greydrone laugh in the communicator.

"Oh ho ho, fuck it. I knew he wasn't going for you, but FUCK! This kid's got balls."

"All Sys-Sol units, advance on -"

"Sir, the building is gone."

"...What?"

Malcolm cut the communication, not wanting to keep it running when he might give something away. If he had the equipment, he would have removed it from himself completely, but for the moment, all he could do was shut it off. The mouse stood up, walking over to his window, shivers running down his spine as the adrenaline from the situation slowly started bleeding away.

He looked out over a whole fleet of hovercars, their sirens off, all of them staring at the place that his apartment used to be. He wondered what it looked like, to them. Probably strange, considering his hastily-written command.

The only people that can find my apartment are the ones that want to fuck me.

It was one he hadn't been sure about, only hoped that it would work. It effectively turned his apartment into a sex-only zone, and with the way the book seemed to work, it seemed iffy at best. But with the blindness of the Sys-Sols outside, he knew it had. He smiled to himself, flopping back down on the bed.

"Okay...that's something...That gives me a few hours, at least."

If Jonah wasn't affected by the book, as they'd said on the call, then the stag was the only one that they could call down to find their way into the apartment. Once they were here, he was pretty sure that the actual protection would fade. Much as the stag wanted the notebook, Malcolm was sure that he'd not be here immediately. The whole of System needed his attention, and considering the sheer glee Greydrone had at his little defiance, he thought - or at least hoped - that the demon would be taking full advantage of this to throw more torments at System space. Much as he hated the thought of taking advantage of suffering, it was the only chance he was going to get.

He resisted the urge to reach up to his ear and call Taj and Rashii. So far, his apartment was hidden, but he didn't know if that could be broken by calling out from it. More to the point, he didn't know how much Jonah knew about him yet. The apartment was one thing, as was his daily routine, but if System records hadn't shown his friends yet, he wasn't going to make it easier. He'd see them at university tomorrow, anyway, so there was no point in pushing it.

For now...

Glancing at the book, he groaned. He'd already pushed his imagination as hard as he could coming up with traps, but if Jonah himself was coming, then he needed to do more to protect himself. He grabbed it, pulling it over and writing in it.

Anyone stepping into my apartment will be hit with an irresistible fascination with stags, and will need to grope or stimulate the nearest one.

Anyone passing by my apartment door will need to pause and strip down, unable to take a step until they finish getting naked.

Everybody entering apartment will wish that they were handcuffed, developing a bondage fetish.

Everybody entering my room will become pansexual.

Events happening in my room will be streamed to my communicator in a video call to show off all the sexy things.

That last one he wasn't sure of, but he hoped it'd work. With all the things that he'd set up for the night, he didn't want to miss anything when morning came around. With all the different traps he'd put together...well, he'd see what happened, but he imagined that some people were going to get the fuck of their lives.

With it all written out, he folded the notebook up under his arm, and laid down on his bed. There was no way he was going without touching this thing from now on, and considering that he only had a few hours to sleep, he was going to get it now. He closed his eyes, already filtering through plans for the next day, and hoped that one of them, any of them, would actually be good enough to keep him out of Jonah's hands.

Three hours later, just after midnight, a white tiger walked out of the building. He was fondled by every Sys-Sol on the way out, one pair of Dobermans trying to invite him into the back of their car, but the tiger turned them down, saying that he was 'needed' elsewhere. A glance at the silver S on his neck - the sign of a rarer, but still possible System boy - was all they needed to know he had to get to different appointments, and they let him through.

When Lord Jonah arrived five minutes later, the tiger was gone, and Malcolm was settling in to get a good look at the fireworks...

Who would have thought so many Sys-Sols liked cats, he thought, shaking his head at the fading disguise. I'll look like the fantasy of the majority of Sys-Sols...really? A white tiger with a dick bigger than his arm and a System boy to boot? THAT is their fantasy?

The End